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We moved together after graduation, our sex life deteriorated and we argue constantly - althout we love each other! I don't know what to do to improve our relation!!

Tagged as: Faded love, Family, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 March 2008) 2 Answers - (Newest, 18 March 2008)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

ok i am 19 and my boyfriend is 20, we met our senior year of high school and moved in together after we graduated and we just bought a house and everything.everything was great in the beginning and our sex life was wonderful but now we never have sex, we never get along or agree on anything. we have been together for a year and a half and have a 9 month old son and i do not want our son being raised around our constant arguing, we both know what we need to change but we just can't seem to do it, we dont have money for counseling and i do love him and am in love with him and i know he feels the same way about me but we cannot stop arguing.

i know a lot of it is me because i want him to understand what i do with our son and that it is not as easy as he thinks it is running a household all by myself and he does not understand or even care or appreciate everything i do. I stay home with our son all day while he works and i feel like he is never home, we never have any alone time and i never feel like having sex.

he always wants to and i'm always making up some kind of excuse why i can't. i want us to be together so bad and get along and so does he and we just can't stop. we are both lazy sometimes and it just doesn't go well togehter, we just bought our house and a new car and all new things for the house, if i left him i wouldn't even know where to start with sorting everything and i don't ever want our son to have to leave, i am used to being with him 24/7 and i don't want that to change- i want things to work so bad i just dont know where to start, if oursex life could be back how it used to be and we could get along and not argue about all the stupid little things everything would be perfect, we're both still in love and attracted to each other so that's not the problem, although he has gained a lot of weight i don't like very much, i wish he'd lose about 40 pounds but he was big when i met him and i have also put on about 20-25 pounds from the pregnancy, he still finds me very attractive and i find him attractive too but it would really help if he lost some weight but he can't do that either, i want this to work i just don't know what to do please help!!!

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A female reader, asian tealeaf Canada +, writes (18 March 2008):

asian tealeaf agony auntI THINK u two moved too quickly in the realationship.

although, my man and i have been together for 2 and half yrs, have a 1 yr old daughter and lived together almost immediatley, but our sex life has never decreased. i was lucky enough to not have gained any weight, mind u he did, but it never bothered me. hes in the process of losing it and we love eachother and and our focus in life, is eachother and our passion for eachother and basking in eachothers ambience. for most women, i guess, emotion plays a large part in the desire to have sex, so if u had an argument, u wont be apt to want to have sex. most men, are going to still want it. now, u also mention u both gained some weight. first of all, maybe u too should get motivated and go to the gym, together as a workout couple and train together. which is what my man and i did. not that he gained much, but we love the fact we b oth do it together as a couple. so u need to start taking the initiative and start doing things with him. and perhaps u should be the one to initiate sex sometimes with him, to show him u desire him. use birth control, so u do not end up pregnant again, that will put a huge damper on ur relationship. especially since u already are bothered by ur weight gain, u will only gain more in the following pregnancy, and in turn u wont feel like having sex due to insecurity.aND, if ur having problems already, well another child will only make things more complicated. there are certain factors which can either make or break a couple. children, finances, sexual relations, and communicative skills etc.i have a child, and u know i am tired all the time. i work, i choose to do the housework and cook, because my man works longer hrs and does shift work i dont. but i go out of my way to make things work. there was a short period of time that i was not motivated to do much, like engage socially with our friends outside of the home. its way too much work just getting the child prepared, dressed, diaper bag ready and get her in the vehicle. so i always said no i did not want to do anything and since he hates being anywhere without me with him, hed stay home. i stopped doing anything that requird me to leave the house minus working. and one day he talked to me and he said he missed doing things together. we live in the bush in a mining town in northwestern ontario, we both love camping, fishing, hunting, boating, skidooing, fourwheeeling etc. and i was not even motivated to do that with him. and it put a huge damper on our relationship and he told me how he felt. he had tears in his eyes, and thought in was falling out of love with him, that id lost interest doing the things we once loved doing sooo passionatley, together. i had to do some soulsearching, and i decided to take the initiative to do things with him, because were mates, were teampartners, were lovers, were bf and gf and husband and wife, were soulmates forever and a child, being tired, cranky, bitchy from having a period, whatever our feminine excuses are, should NOT ever come between us two. lifes too short to complain and be negative about. and my man told me i had become negative, my energy was dark, and i was always in some dark cloud somewhere and he wanted me to let him in and let him help me to to help us. he was ever patient, and at one point we had constant arguments so bad we almost broke up. and then i looked at my daughter, who saw us argue one day, and she came and hugged both myself and her daddy, and i thought, im doing this, im going to break up this beautiful relationship and my daughters going to have a broken home not because of someone cheating, or abuse, etc, but over some stupid silly trivial things that i had total control over. i reminisced over how we met, and what brought us together, SO FAST, and what we saw in eachother the first time we met, and how we both knew we were going to marry eachother, and die with eachother, old and gray, with our children and grandchildren there. how when we grow old, wed sip icecold icedtea on a porchswing overlooking a beautiful terrace with the smell of tropics and coconut in the air, and the cool summer tropical wind soothingly sifting thru our hair, and us holdind hands and gazing into eachothers eyes, and breathing eachothers smell in, and whispering how much we love one another, and remebering our youthful days.... u need to rember what brought u two together in the first place, u still have time to turn things around, but, the clock ticks dear, and once u cross that certain invisible line of no return, u can NEVER turn around and cross back over. thats when it will be over. done. finished. the point of no return.

we have now overcome the short period of hardship, and now, even more so than ever before, we love eachother even more, and when i sleep and hes awake, he comes to me while i sleep on the couch, and will whidper in my ear how much he loves me,how beautiful i am, and how proud of me he is oas the mother of his child, etc, and he will do this all night, while hes gaming,and i do the same to him while he sleeps and im awake caring for the child when hes on nightshift, we cant get enough of oneanother. we want to build our own empire together, e.i our relationship. its our world, our utopia. our heaven on this earth. and u need to look at ur situation, and look at ur HUSBAND. and repeat the word my husband,in ur head over and over as u gaze at him, and let those butterflies come back. i look at my man even now, after all this time, and i still get goosebumps and chills down my spine when i gaze upon his loveliness from across the room. my eyes tears up when i think about him, or touch him. and it happens to him too. its soo beautiful to have this kind of rare love. and u can too. but u have to suck it up. ur tired? so is he. u work caring for the house and child, and he works making the bread and butter. u both at the end of the day need tp

cling and embrace eachother, becvause u never know if it will be ur last. a word of advice. dont ever go to bed angry with one another. and if it be u both stay up till its been resolved, so be it. if one of u dies in ur sleep, or leaves to work the next day and the last memory is the harsh words etc, that were passsed between u two, the surving spouse will grieve forever more, and remorse will be the only thing left, and u will NEVER have the chance to make peace with ur deceased loved one. because they have left this world to move on to the next level, whatever thaty may be. and until itsd ur time to join them, u carry the pain and the burden. so look at ur child and ask urself, do u want him-her to be in a broken home because of something so futile and silly,something u had control over, or do u wish ur child to have the everlasting gift of two parent s who love eachother passionatly, and share lifes adventures together, and have a beautiful family life to share, a relationship so airtight and beautiful, others brag about u to their friends, others envy what u two have. etc. and u two holdstrong the homefront. when he is tired and feeling down, he depends on u to be strong and hold down the fort, and when u are down and tired, u depend on him to do the same. u both depend on eachother to be there for eaCHOTHER, IN THE BEST OF TIMES AND THE WORSE. and if u two are close and treat eachother good in the goodtimes, but argue and fight in the stresssful hardtimes, then u need to rethink ur relationship. rockbottom, or in riches and in best of health,either ur eachothers backbone and moral support, or ur the destructive partner who tears down the home u both worked hard to build. i hope i have given u some light at the end of the tunnel. i hope somehow i have inspired you . goodluck, be a family unit, be one stronghold which is impenetrablefrom the outside -in. ur marriage is ur utopia. ur fortress, ur safehold, ur paradise, ur empire. build upon it brick by brick, wipe the sweatfrom ur brow, and when the day comes to rest, have passionate sex, dirty sex, whatever makes u two happy and reconnected. remeber, sex is communication, for women and men. it plays a huge part in ur bond. hold him, cuddle him. kiss him. notice the small things ge does, and let him know how proud u are of him, how much u admire him, how u dont take him foregranted. men need to hear this. because nobody elses opinion matters most other than u. lol.

and of course, his moms. u both need to make eachother feel that ur the limelight in eachothres lives. one more thing. maybe try to do more spontaneous things, activities, that u have always wanted to do, talked about, but just never did. sorry for such a long column. if u need anymore advice, etc u can message me anytime dont be a stranger. we all need to shed light on eachothers dark moments. best of luck my dear.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008):

Sounds like lots of problems on your end. A child is exhausting to the point where you both feel tired & unhappy. That usually causes more arguing. I can tell you his biggest gripe is probably the lack of sex. Give him that & his mood should improve drastically. Denying him that makes him frustrated & probably makes him feel more self-conscious about his weight. You just need to create a situation where you feel like YOU want to have sex. Get a babysitter & go out on a date.

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