A
female
age
30-35,
*weetturnover
writes:I had known my friend and her brother for almost 7 years, and although I wasn't as close to him when we were younger (due to the 3 yr difference) I used to have a big crush on him. After years of not talking, we messaged each other back and forth on facebook, hung out a couple of times as friends and then another 6 months or so went by without us talking because my dad passed away. I decided to message him randomly to just say hello, and since then we had hung out a few times, went on 2 dates and everything seemed awesome, he was hooked and all about me. I genuinely liked him and I knew he had just gotten out of a long relationship so I wanted to just be light hearted about the situation, I understood. He told me that he would never be an a-hole to me because I am not like the rest of the girls he knew, and since we knew each other for a long time he wouldnt hurt me, I believed and trusted him. One night we had all gone out after a night of partying and I ended up going back to his house to stay with him. *This guy is 25 and I am 22* We didn't fool around that night.... but in the morning when we woke up we ended up messing around without having sex... well just oral sex... to be detailed. Something about it didn't feel right to me, as if I wanted to wait till things were serious, but I didn't say a thing and went against my instinct. It was awkward at first, but after the deed was done we acted like everything was normal and went on with the rest of our day with the last words from him saying "Ill catch up with you later" Since then I have attempted calling him and texting him a few times.. no answer, last text message said that I hope our friendship is not on bad terms and I hope to hear from him more often... still no answer. What kills me is that I have never felt so cheap in my entire life, as if he had almost put me through a test, and me gullibly thinking that he is different and genuine would not take what he wanted and toss me out like a piece of trash.He had told me that he put me through a few tests before and I passed (whatever that means) but I never thought that he would take advantage of my vulnerability the way he had just to TEST me. I want to express this to him but my pride is killing me, and the fact that I was judged so harshly by someone who I wouldve never expected to do so makes it even worse. My mind wants to go beyond sanity and I don't want to act irrational or "crazy"... please help.
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female
reader, Sweetturnover +, writes (14 October 2011):
Sweetturnover is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advice, I had been suffering from the fact that I had been judged so harshly knowing that I didnt deserve it... even if I took part by putting myself in a situation. As for a few clarifications, I do agree that oral sex is as intimate in a way as the whole thing, in my mind at the time I just convinced myself that it wasn't anything more than a "happy ending" so to speak. Although I was hungover and really wasn't in the mood to go full on, I wanted to please him because I liked him. Didn't think i was going to be feeling like a 2 cent whore a few days later. Yes, it was wrong, and for me to think that sexual intimacy could be built before other aspects of a relationship was a big mistake, no matter how much you think you may know someone.
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (11 October 2011):
 Im certain he played a game with u and u used u. Hes all words no action about what u mean to him. Drop this guy. Dont let his behavior be an attraction. Its ridiculous. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (11 October 2011):
 YouWish said it better than I could have. Spot on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): OK. This guy has problems. The A- hole conversation...WTF. So, he is telling you that he normally is an a-hole to girls, but that you are different? That's sick. He is admitting he is a bad person, and now he has proven it. Why would you want to spend your time with such a person is beyond me. Personally, I would look for the opposite: someone who appears to be nice and treat others well. That's a person I could like and trust. If I was sexually attracted to them, then I would consider going out with them. But, if you see or have heard that he treats people badly, why would you want to be with such a person?One side question. I am just curious. In fact I think I will post it as a new topic. Why do you think oral sex is somehow less than intercourse? It seems to me that having someone's genitals in your mouth, rubbing around your face, as you solely pleasure them with no reciprococity (at least during the act) is much more intimate, and potentially much more demeaning, than staring intoa pillow or at the ceiling.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 October 2011):
 Heh. This may be hindsight, but if a guy ever mentions that he put you through "tests", run like hell! It's not his place to test you, and who does he think he is, anyways?
The answer here is in the fact that he just got out of a long term relationship. You didn't mention how long ago, but I'm guessing he's still carrying around some baggage there, especially if he has to be "testing".
Also, another red flag are the overserious "a-hole" conversations he's having with you. Why would he even have to say that to you?
You're not cheap. He just comes with issues. You did what you felt like doing, and that doesn't cheapen you. However, what does cheapen things is if you keep chasing after him calling and texting him. Stop all contact and hold your head up high.
It's not your fault, nor does his flakiness cheapen you in any way. Chalk it up to a lesson learned. In this guy's case, you built up a fantasy about who he was because of your history with your friend. In reality, he's flaky, and you might need to look elsewhere. His friendship with you wasn't worth as much as you thought it would be.
Even platonic friends don't flake on each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): He was a willing partner in your intimacy - you did what you felt was right at that moment, even if you had vague doubts. It very much seems as if he has gone cold on you. Since he has proven not to be the fair guy he promised to be, you can only think that you were taken in. If he cared for you be would be honest and at least contact you. Don't feel cheap. Put this behind you, gather your dignity and move on. And if he eventually contacts you, I would be friendly but distant - don't give him another chance to hurt you.
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