| A
male
,
anonymous
writes: Hi... I live in England, UK. Heres my question.Im 20, but my girlfriend is only 14 (she has the mind of someone more my age, shes mature). Iv known her for about three and a half years, but we were just distant friends for about one year. She started to like me, as in romantically almost straight away but it wasnt until about a year later i started to fall in love with her, real love. She's gorgeous, has the most perfect personality and i would die for her, id do anything. We are the perfect couple and we want to spend the rest of our lives together...Only, her mum doesnt like the idea of us seeing eachother. Dont get me wrong, we arn't having sex, and we dont plan to for a while, but her mum seems to think that its all wrong. She is trying to stop us going out together and she has also been reading our msn chat logs. She has threatened to phone the police or something or other.Is what we are doing illegal? and if so what are the consiquences? We arn't having sex or anything like that, we are just in love and enjoy spending our time together.Please reply with your thoughts. Thanks :)
View related questions:
msn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007): hi there i agree with ana im a 13 year old girl my friend who is the same age as me is goin out with a guy in his 20's , there not having sex or anything they are just having a relationship .She hasnt told her mum or dad about her relationship with him casue they would go mental lol . But they have just broken up because he is moving flats cause of university e.t.c and they were goin to have an open relationship but the trouble with that is they are both scared the other one will cheat which is possible becasue her boyfriend tom feels like she could stray to a boy at school and my friend feels tom could stary with someone at uni.and this could happen in your relationship because the girl your going out with is only young she probs doesnt have that much a sex driv4e as you do have a big sex drive and you will need/want to have sex (this is if you wait untill she is older) then you will probs cheat and her heart will get broken but it could also work the othere way round she will chaet and your heat will get broken and its fab that your not having sex with her welldone but i just think one of you is goin to get hurt either way
good luck steph x
A
male
reader, Country Bumpkin  +, writes (16 April 2006):
 I hear everything your saying bro. I don't want to concentrate on the legal stuff, it seems to have already been covered. I want to concentrate on the concequences for you. Hope you don't mind if I bore you with a bit of history. I met a girl who was 14 when I was 26. She pecked at me so much that I fell for her. We used to see each other in secret but sood realised that we would have to come clean. Her father wasn't hapy at first but I got to go to meet him at home. To be fair to him he took me at face value, he could see that I loved his daughter and he gave us our blessing after setting a few ground rules. We had a blissful relationship for over 4 years, we even considered marriage, then she changed. In the space of a few weeks she changed her mind and left me for someone else. I was heart broken.
That was 14 years ago she is now 31 and I am 43. I'm 43 alone and still heartbroken and alone, she was the love of my life and in someways still is. I dream about her regularly and when I see her, which is about once a week I go to pieces.
I know this may be hard for you to take in right now and I'm sure she is the love of your life but be careful or you will be hurt and hurt bad. I wouldn't change a single moment as I'm sure you wouldn't. I would still love her even if I knew she was going to break my heart. I just fear for you because I know where your at. I wish you luck and hope you story doesn't end up the same way as mine.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (6 April 2006):
 i think that sometimes its important to remember that although some children appear mature they are still in fact children , and as adults we should look back ourselves and aprieciate their vunerability and protect them ,not set them up as future sexual partners.
this girl must of been but 11 or 12 when this began , try and think back to when you were this age and judge it from this , i think youll find that you felt like you knew your own mind more than you did .
i would be worried that her mum has threatend to phone the police, you have done nothing wrong with regards to underage sex , but in protecting this girl im sure they could find someting to go down against your name.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlol. Good way of putting it WillieWombat, im deffo not one of them! again its, i suppose, good to hear that other people have been able to work around a thing like this. I mean, i have no intention of goin behind her mum's back, because im all for getting to know her mum properly... its a genuine thing for us, which is why i wanted to ask a question on here, and its good people have experience or know people who have been through the same. I will keep you posted on what happens :) thanks :)
...............................
A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (5 April 2006):
 I ,eant to add as well. My sis-in-law was going out with her bf (on the quiet) from the age of 13 and he was 9 years older. her brothers age (my hubby). When they confessed she was 16 and it caused some big time fights. They got married last year when she was 21 and he is celebrating his 30th. It can work. It depends on the individual. You just need to play it properly and let her Mum know you are not a creepy cradle snatcher.
Good luck, keep us posted.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2006): Hi! I think there is a bit of an issue here. Although you are not doing anything illegal, as you are not sleeping together, I still think you need to consider things a bit. I am a school teacher with a class of 14 year old girls and if one of them told me they were seeing a 20 year old man, I'd be a little concerned as I know what 20 year old men are usually after. Now I am by no means suggesting you are like this as I don't even know you but I think if you really care for each other you would leave it a few years when the age gap won't seem so huge. There are 11 years between my husband and I but we met when I was in my 20's and he in his 30's and there was no problem. If you still feel the same perhaps when she is 18 or so (I know it's a long time to wait) then you will know it's right and the age gap won't be such an issue.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCheers for the constructive replies people. Ana and WillieWombat, your views are much appreciated and will most likely help me to come to my decision of what to do.
We've discussed waiting the one and a half or so years and its do-able, we both know that but would only consider that a last option. I will most likely try and reason with her mum and tell her what our intentions are... I would most probly be in the same shoes as her if the situation was reversed, yeah, but you've also got to understand not everyone in this situation is a "pervert" or anything of that sort, some people can be genuine, which is the message iv tried to send accross here.
Thanks for your help anyway, i think ill be able to decide now. Take care
...............................
A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (4 April 2006):
Obviously you are not going to get the help you want here. People are too quick to judge. Have you actually tried talking to her Mum? Telling her that you mean well and that you and her daughter are not having a sexual relationship? Can you put yourself in her shoes? If you ahd a 14 year old daughter that was seeing a man 6 years older than her you would worry....in fact you would probably behave in exactly the same way.
Try talking to her. If she refuses to talk try putting your feeling down on paper and send her a letter.
Above all you have to respect this woman. She doesnt know you, she is trying to protect her daughter. After all she can only see you as a man after her *baby* girl.
Good luck
x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell you obviously havent read what ive said. If i was a pervert i wouldnt be asking this on the net where people could read would i? jeez. If you have nothing constructive to say then dont reply at all.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2006): Four words you are a pervert!! A 20 year old fella is only interested in one thing from a 14 year old girl!! Do you not have any friends I mean why would you want to go out with someone who cant even get into a club!!! I think her Mum is right to be ragin I would be too!!!
Leave this CHILD alone and get a WOMAN of your own age
...............................
A
female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (4 April 2006):
 Talking to her and spending time with her is not illegal when she wants to talk to you and spend time with you. But I can imagine how her mother feels.
Imagine if you had a daughter who was 14 who was seeing a man who was a few years older. Whilst 6 or so years is not the biggest age gap in the world, when the girl is a minor, the age gap is a big deal.
I think you need to have some respect for her mother's fears. I think many mothers and fathers would react in the exact same way, it's nothing personal, they just want to protect their daughter.
To continue to spend time with her, I think you are going to have to talk to her parents and establish some ground rules. Maybe you have to spend some time with them and get to know them, maybe you need to have more dates at her house where they are around and feel comfortable.
Whilst I don't really feel, that generally speaking, a 20 year old guy should be dating a 14 year old, I have no right or no authority to tell you that you can't spend time with her. I agree that you shouldn't enter into a physical relationship because that would be trouble. Big trouble.
I think you need to talk to her parents and present your side of the story. Without that it is going to be hard to see her or develop a healthy relationship by sneaking around and upsetting her parents.
Alternatively, maybe you need to cool things until she is a little bit older. True love will wait and letting her grow up a little bit probably wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Whilst she may be mature and smart for her age, she is still, in the eyes of the community, her family, her teachers and the law, a child and perhaps she does need to experience a bit more of life before getting into a too serious relationship
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your fast replies.
Ana, thanks for your detailed response. Because you have experienced 'in sorts' this sort of thing before, its good to hear it from your point of view, and to hear of other people also in the same similar situation or who are seeing girls of that sort of age. I think it would be wrong of her mum not to be concerned, but i just wish there was some way we could tell her how we both feel. I mean, she's not totally against us as she's said she would have no problem with us seeing eachother when she's 16.. so my girlfriend said anyway...
I can see it from her mum's point of view though. As you have said, you wouldn't like your daughter seeing an older lad and it will probably be the same when i have kids.
On the subject of sex, yes we've talked about it and yes obviously we've joke around with the 'talking dirty' part (the only way i can put it really) but we wouldnt do anything like that to jeopardise our relationship, i love her too much to disrespect her like that. She has a good head on her shoulders definatly and she knows exactly what she wants, as do i.. and that is just to be with eachother no matter what.
Um, i can maybe show this to her mum (my reply here) as id probably bottle being able to tell her to her face... hopefully it may do some good in the situation to hear that other people are doing the same, but a whole lot more of them are doing it all wrong.
Thanks :)
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (3 April 2006):
 If you are 20 years old you should know that what you are doing is putting you at risk of going to jail. They don't call 14 yr olds "jailbait" for nothing. You will need to wait a couple of years to date this young lady. If it's true love it will withstand the time. Hands off and good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ana183 +, writes (3 April 2006):
 Hi There!First of all, I wanna say that I think this story is so sweet that you are both in love with each other! And I also wanna let you know that I know totally what you are feeling, as I dated a man at 21 when I was just only 15 (I am nearly 16 now), so we had the same age differences as you and your partner. It was hard for us, as it will be hard for you. Personally, I don't think that there is anything wrong with this relationship, as you are not having sex (which I really respect of you as some males would), but I can also understand how her mother feels about this, as I guess I would be a little upset if i had a young daughter dating a man with quite a large age gap to my daughter. If you and your girlfriend stay together (which I hope you do), then when you are older, the age gap will seem nothing to you. I mean, my cousin is 22, and with a man that is 40 years of age!Really, her mother should notice that you are not having sex with her daughter, but maybe she doesn't believe this. If she has maybe had an older man lie to her in the past, she might have insecurities about older men, you never know. She might not, but it is a possibility.I do really respect you for not having sex with her. This shows how much love and respect you have for her. I mean, I know a girl who is 15, and she is with a man that is 25 years old. They have sex all the time, and her mum is really not bothered at all. In fact, the girls boyfriend sleeps at her mums house nearly every night, in the same bed as the 15 year old girl!Out of everything what I have told you in my answer to your question, no matter what you do, always remember that; to her mum, she will always be her little baby girl, no matter how mature and how old she is. She is just trying to protect her because she loves her so much.I hope this will help!Best of luck with the situation and your relationship!xANAx
...............................
|
