A
female
age
51-59,
*lowerdoll
writes:I am with a guy for the last year and a half and we get on very well in general in that we don't really argue but lately i am getting more and more unhappy, problem is we have no sex life. He has made many excuses as to why we don't, depression, stress etc and his latest one is that he needs at least 4 pints to be in the mood. I find that very insulting. He gets very down and sometimes i might not see him for a good few days as he takes to the couch and watches tv a lot. We never do anything together as such and i have been on his case a lot lately. He told me the other day that we are going away this weekend and that it was a surprise. Turns out we are going away in his camper van which i hate as its old and a bit grotty and we are linking up with a couple who he is friends with that have a child. I really hate this and dread the thoughts of it. I wouldn't mind if we did things together a lot but this is supposed to be a treat for me except i fail to see where the thought is for me. He knows i hate the camper and i don't know the other couple. Am i being a selfish bitch? How can i improve this relationship or am i doomed.
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female
reader, Manya  +, writes (31 July 2008):
I was wondering if you had ever talked to him about both of you (or separately) going to see a counselor, and especially a sex therapist? Sounds way out there but he could have a medical problem. OR perhaps, he DOES care about you deeply but is very afraid of the idea of marriage and more sex would bring that closer. He sounds very mixed up and kinda mean, actually. You are in NO WAY a bitch, but rather a
person with a very legitimate concerns! This weekend, just try to be positive, even if that seems impossible.
Afterall, in the end marriage is about much more that sex!
Best of luck and let us know!!
A
female
reader, flowerdoll +, writes (30 July 2008):
flowerdoll is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your time and advice. Today is a bad day for me and maybe after the weekend i will have some positive action taken in whatever direction. I'll let you know.
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A
female
reader, flowerdoll +, writes (30 July 2008):
flowerdoll is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto answer the question of whether or not he knows i dont like camping the answer is yes. He told me he was going to sell it so i cleaned it out myself for the sale but unfortunately it never made it to the sales yard. i have always been upfront about not liking it, i went once and said never again. In fact we laughed about it because he said that every time he turned around i was with the sweeping brush cleaning the bit of floor space we had as there was grass and mud coming in on his shoes every time.
I agree with you about alcohol being a hinderence rather than a help with sexual arousal, however, i think that it is more to do with masking his lack of confidence.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (30 July 2008):
 Alcohol in my experience is an erection killer. If he is having troubles then the last thing he needs is 4 pints.
Alcohol does remove inhibitions make us worry less about things temporary. If he can't or doesn't want to have sex because of worries then he might believe alcohol makes him stop worrying.
However I think it is just an excuse. Just how important is the erection to him during sex? Ever heard of women who fake orgasm? Or use lube? All tricks women can use to have sex when things ain't working. Men have no tricks, either it is hard and stays hard or it doesn't and our ego's do not cope well with when it doesn't. Especially if the woman collapses in giggles and makes comments about MicroSoft (to a linux man to add insults to injury). Not that it ever happened to me, no sir!
If he is having troubles, then you two need to work them out.
The camping trip could just mean you two are mis-matched. Did you tell him you don't like camping? Then how is he supposed to know?
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A
female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (30 July 2008):
 There is nothing wrong with you at all. You just happened to get two bone heads for boyfriends.
Have you noticed when things start turning sour in a relationship, things seldom get better?
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A
female
reader, maggiex95 +, writes (30 July 2008):
 hi, im the previous anonymous lady...
there is NOTHING wrong with you just because you've been a little unlucky in love! you'll get through this, and then you'll meet some wonderful guy who exceeds your wildest dreams!! good luck honey!!
XX maggie
ps, you ex is also very jerky-seeming.
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A
female
reader, flowerdoll +, writes (30 July 2008):
flowerdoll is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses, i know ye are right. Last night i got quite upset on the phone when i was talking about our impending trip away with him and he thought that i was being really selfish. When he has a few drinks in him he is always telling everyone that he wants to marry me and he even said it to my mother recently. She is not very happy with him and says he does not show any regard for me and of course i tend to go on the defensive straight away. I think that there may be something wrong with me as last April i went to a wedding and met my ex boyfriend. We also had no sex life which he since has told me that he was just too tired and had no energy. Anyway, he decided then that he wanted me back and basically phoned me morning, noon and night telling me how he wanted to marry me and have children. As things are not great with my bf as i have explained i certainly considered going back but i told my x that he had to give me time as i needed to be sure. He gave me 4 weeks in which time he continuously called me, cried and generally made himself sick with obession. He tried to have sex with me on a wednesday and i said no as if i was going to leave my bf and go back with him, it had to be done correctly. By Friday he started dating someone else and now has cut me off completely saying that i didn't move fast enough. What upsets me most about all this is that i was trying to think and behave rationally and yet i got no respect for it. i am very insecure in myself and i dont know if its me that has caused things to be how they are or am i just one extremely unlucky lady
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2008): honestly, your guy sounds like a jerk!
sorry, but that's just my personal opinion from your post/questiony thingie...
you may not argue and you may get on well, but do you like/love him enough to stay with him?
think about what he means to you...could you do better?
and i personally don't think you're being a selfish bitch about this.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (30 July 2008):
I don't really see any good side to you being in this relationship. I think it may have come to an end.
The camper van holiday idea is sweet but just proves that you he doesn't even know you. The 4 pints thing is VERY insulting, I would have walked out of someone had said that to me.
Tell him you are not happy with the way things are and that you think it's time to move on.
He may step up to try and keep you but I really think you will be better off finding someone else.
Good Luck!! xx
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