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We have broken up but he doesn't turn up to agreed meetings

Tagged as: Breaking up, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 February 2006) 5 Answers - (Newest, 3 March 2006)
A male , *reg writes:

I am having some problems with my ex, 21, since our split after five months.

I am 33, we are both gay, and we had a wonderful, honest relationship.

However, after New Year he suddenly chose to end things saying things were not working for him.

I accept this, but since the split he has put up a wall of silence. We have arranged to meet but he didn’t turn up - coming up with excuse why he could not make it. What is more puzzling is that he arranged the suggested the meeting.

I really loved my partner and I am finding it hard to move on when all I want to do is talk to him. I rang him last week, he promised to call me back but he didn’t.

The next day he e-mailed saying I could call whenever, providing I have something to talk about. I have not pestered him in anyway, and it has been me who has held back from calling him.

We are due to meet this weekend, something which he suggested, but I will be stunned and unable to get my head around things if he chooses not to turn up again.

He says there is no way back for us and I accept that. But all I want to do is see him. He chose to end our relationship by not turning up on a Saturday night - forcing me to visit him at home to ask why he had not turned up.

I want to see him but his cold behaviour is just killing me. What should I do?

View related questions: move on, my ex

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A female reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (3 March 2006):

beentheredonethat agony auntOk...he says there is NO way you will ever be a couple again?

He did this suddenly...you had no warning?

BAM...he's met someone else. (and probably been cheating on you for a while to be that sure of himself)

That is the only reason he would go from loving person to cold hearted fish without shifting gears. He probably didn't mean to hurt you...thus he's willing to say he would like a friendship...YAWN.(but he will only talk to you IF YOU have SOMETHING to talk about...like your so boring to him he can't even WASTE his time just saying HI...PPPLLLLLEEEAAASE!) Then he treats you like dirt...thinking...oh if I do this...he'll get the idea.

So beat him at his own game...YOU HAVE THE IDEA...ITS OVER.

NEXT Time He wants to set up a little meeting....Show up. Sweet little sexy date on your arm....(even if you have to pay someone or beg a friend...don't show up alone) That way...if he stands you up...hey you have better things to do...

You know where he hangs out...Show up with your(well instucted can't take his adoring eyes off you)"date" there...evil grin...and ignore him.

The only way you will ever have a chance with him would be if he realised he'd made a BIG mistake...HE WON'T EVER DO THAT IF YOU APPEAR NEEDY, clingy, sappy, heartbroken, lost, unable to cope with out him, or too SAD to breath.

Sure it confused you because he didn't even try to work it out....but now..(no matter how sad you are inside) you must not show him your pain...because then you become this whole noose around his neck....not the attractive, suave, YOU that he met and took for granted. (Totally pamper yourself for a bit and loose that sad puppy face...smile alot...even when you don't want to...be so bloody cheerful that he will wonder what hit him.) And before you know it...He will be the one wishing maybe he'd thought about his actions....then don't take him back...because by then YOU will have met someone that makes him look like Homer Simpson....Dooogh! Best of luck and even though it hurts...There will be another one by in 15 minutes.

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A female reader, smeedle United Kingdom +, writes (1 March 2006):

smeedle agony auntThis time dont you turn up, give this bloke a taste of his own medicine and get some of your self respect back.

He has finished with you and that is that, no ammount of talking will make this different and while in the short term you are hurting, seeing him does not make this any better or help you get over him any faster.

Accept it and move on, you know in your heart that you have to so just leave him to rot

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A female reader, willywombat United Kingdom +, writes (28 February 2006):

willywombat agony auntYou need to face up to the fact he is unable to be honest with you and is trying to make you give up wanting to see him without just saying *I dont want to see you!*

Just cut him out of your life and move on before you get any more hurt.

Dont waste your time on this loser.

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A reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (28 February 2006):

Rebecca Batchelor agony auntI think he is being immature and playing mind games, to be honest.

Perhaps you do just wish to be friends now but as the relationship is over and you have accepted this, then I think it is time to be very straight with your ex.

Explain to him that you only want to see him but that if he is going to insist on messing you around with arrangments, then there is no point in pursuing your friendship. You really should express how you feel to him.

I know you don't like his cold behaviour but it may just be his own rather immature way of dealing with the break up.

Be aware of the fact that you have dealt well with the break up and leave him to his silly games. There are other people out there who would be a much loyal friend; remember that and widen your horizons.

I hope this helps.

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A female reader, Sexybum United Kingdom +, writes (28 February 2006):

Sexybum agony auntYou're obviously going through a hard time dealing with this split. Its been 5 months and still no renunion is in sight. I know you probably don't want to hear it but it sounds like this guy is too chicken to tell you the truth. If he can't make it to meet you why doesn't he call you and let you know!?! Instead he just leaves you standing there feeling more and more anxious. Its not fair that HE arranges the meetings and it is HIM that does not turn up to them.

After he split with you he told you there is no chance of you two being a couple again. You really care for this person and want him in your life. He must know this. Thats why I think its unfair for him to keep you on the side seemingly for his own sake not yours. If he knows how much you love him and he knows there is no chance of you two getting back together he should leave you in peace to move on.

You need to draw the line honey and decide how much you are going to stand for. If he stands you up without giving you an explanation then its sounds as if he is not as interested as you are. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone where it is you giving and them taking!? You need to be more assertive and stand up to him. Don't allow him to let you down too many times because this will only damage your own self confidence.

When you arrange to meet him ALWAYS have something else planned as well. Somewhere else where you are going to go afterwards. This will help ease your dissapointment if he doesn't show.

I just have one more thing to add, you say he only wants friendship and you are happy with that?? Its seems like you are really keen to kick start the relationship that you two once shared. You want more than friendship from this guy, you love him. If he is going to settle for friendship and you stay in his life (just as his friend), how will you feel if he started another relationship with someone else? I'm just suggesting that you be careful with this one, don't think you can make him love you the way you love him. Be prepared to realise that things might not work out and in the end you may need to move on and leave him behind,

Either way I hope you find your way and I really hope that you find out EXACTLY where you stand with this guy. I hope you come out of all this smiling, take care and good luck x :-)

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