A
male
age
30-35,
*aulki
writes:Hi there, long message coming up.Im feeling quite depressed, so i'm probably going to sound like someone blabbering senselessly. Please read my message and try to make sense.Ive been in a very loving relationship for about a year now. We had some occasional fights every now and then, infact.. we've had at least one fight every 2 months. I see her on weekends only, as she is at University in another city... when I see her over the weekend,we rarely ever fight or have relationship problems(I think I can remember of only once that we have had a fight/bad argument over a weekend)-During the week however, we CONSTANTLY fight. I think we have one fight every 2 days, and not simple arguements, we nearly break up when these fights occur. They start because of simple arguments or misunderstandings via text messages.Fights seem to start over the simplest of arguments, or sometimes just careless replies; most of the time, she will get irritated with my way of asking a question or she will misinterpret exactly what I tried to communicate... for example, she explained something REALLY complicated to me (biology) this weekend, I did not fully understand exactly what she meant and as a result, I simply forgot it... today, she got real irritated when I asked something which was contradictory to what she explained to me the weekend... and that resulted in a huge fight.MOST of the time, fights begin because she blows things out of proportion- freaking out over the smallest of things. I would then just be shocked at why she can throw such a huge scene and instantly start talking less. She obviously takes this up as me not really caring and ignoring the situation, when I am infact trying to keep as quiet as possible so as to not provoke her and cause a huge fight.. she will start making comments filled with sarcasm etc etc.I'm not saying that she starts all the fights, but if she does start a fight, it ends up really bad. and I mean REALLY bad, because I will not give in to th fact that "SHE STARTED IT!!!"... things just get worse and we both just keep feeding the fire until we eventually start forgetting about what we are fighting about.. at that point things start to calm down and go back to normal, but I always know a fight is just around the corner.I admit that its hard for me to see when I am the one blowing things out of proportion and feeding the fire/argument and because of that I dont easily apologise for the things that I say during fights (mostly) and the main problem with me (I think) is the fact that I will NOT, EVER, give an apology to a person who does not show compassion towards me?? I CANT... ive tried, but.. I really cant apologise or try to better the situation if she has an attitude.Once again, we are both in the wrong and if I made this sound like I am an angel, its not like that... I just hope we can resolve this constant fighting somehow.We do love each other and both of us are able to imagine a life together. She will make a great wife, and I hope I am capable of being a great husband and father. We share almost all our interests and when we are together, we are able to be ourselves... or at least, thats what I think.-One more thing, 99.999% of our fights happen via text messages, and it would be an easy solution to just cancel out texting, but that also cancels out all communication during the week, because phoning her is just too expensive.Thanks for reading, :'(
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): WOW.. thats me Question... thanks for the answers
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): From the sounds of the way your girlfriend blows the smallest things out of proportion and gets sarcastic what I envision as being nasty she sounds very immature, which isn't going to change about her overnight.
You two also are engaging in power struggles and you need to realize that when ever you choose to engage in a power struggle with someone then you are contaminating the relationship as much as they are...just walk away until you cool off.
Now about the texting. Back in the day when I was your age and in college, we didn't have cell phones, we didn't want to be in contact with anyone 24/7 because we had our own life and things to take care of and we didn't get our feelings hurt 24/7 either. Listen, cancel the texting, you both are addicted to it, you "can't imagine not being in contact with her 24/7" you are way over dependent and up her ass....sorry for the language, but this is simply unhealthy. People did not need this technology, technology is invented and it creates the need first and then it sells in the marketplace. We all did just fine with the Telephone, and internet and cell phones are great conveniences but the are misused I think by replacing real human interaction with sound bites of text......the relationships between people are in trouble over this because rarely do people give it much thought what they are doing to contribute to the problem.
If you are away from each other every week, you both have computers. If your computer does not have a video camera, get one for it, download skype, it is a free service and you can make long distance calls for free and actually see eachother while talking...pick a time of day that you both will be available and be there for each other. Also, long distance calls are free on a cell phone, it is just the minutes that are not free, so choose to have cell phone conversations after 9 PM or 7 PM whatever your plan allows and stick to it....
Your text wars need to stop, period.... is your problem, so fix it.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (1 September 2009):
 Things that I have learned after 33 years of marriage to a businessman who travels constantly and has lived in other countries while we were raising kids together...
Guys want to win the fight, girls want to have their "feelings" acknowledged. If YOU can stop and listen, and repeat back to her how she is feeling and that it matters to you, you have won half the battle.
For women, half of the conversation is in tone and gesture, so you will lose half of it in a phone call, and even more in texting. If you have something IMPORTANT to talk about, do it face-to-face.
GIVE IN occasionally! You can tell yourself (and keep it to yourself, if you can stand losing one petty argument) that YOU were the bigger person. Besides, half of the time, the fight turns into who started the fight anyways... (are you sure you guys aren't already married?).
Choose your battles and give in on the small stuff or things that aren't that important to you and which are obviously important to her. You need to compromise on things. My husband has finally figured out that he doesn't pick out the furniture in the house, or the paint colors, and I pretty much don't pick out the TV shows at night. Why? It saves arguing.
And lastly, my husband and I have at least one argument a week, still, so I think that you are pretty much ahead of the game. :^)
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A
male
reader, paulki +, writes (1 September 2009):
paulki is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answer, I agree that we should cut down on the texting, but the problem with that is... its free, and i'm actually able to be in contact with her 24/7 via text messages/msn/email etc... so its really hard not to think about what she is doing and going to a computer and starting up a conversation :(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): Hey. This might be a bit of a long answer. This sounds EXATLY like me and my boyfriend. We both love each other so much and are in such a good relationship but as soon as it comes to text and emails etc. A fight can sprout from nowhere! what we did was just stop texting during the week whilst we were at uni. This made us miss each other more so when we saw each other on weekends its was even better! We still text but its just to say i love you. Or say somthing that isent going to start a conversation which is when we normally argue. Its such a simple solution but it worked so well for us and now we hardly ever argue.
So maybe you could try that? i hope it works for you too and everything goes well for the two of you x x x
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (1 September 2009):
 Things can get really misconstrued by email or texting. The subtle voice inflections aren't there. A joking tone can sound criticising instead. Add all those with a long distance and bam bad pizza. If you can't phone her I would just try cutting down on the texts and do most of your conversing during your weekend visits.
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