A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a separated man for over a year. We knew each other casually for 3 years prior to dating. He asked me to lunch one day and told me he was divorcing and suggested we go out. I reluctantly began dating him, although I clearly stated that I was uncomfortable dating a man who was not fully divorced. He assured me he was completely over his relationship and that he was divorcing and worth the chance. We quickly grew very fond of each other and have been exclusively dating for over a year now. A year later, he has not filed for divorce -- reason?? He was waiting for his high school senior to graduate, his to be ex is manic depressive and addicted to drugs so he had stayed in the marriage until he felt the kids could fend for themselves, and money -- He has two kids in college, so that comes first. Two months after his youngest graduated from HS, he contacted a lawyer and started the processes to file for divorce, but he's not actually filed. We get along great. 2 months ago he wanted to move in with me, but I refused saying that could not happen until he was divorced. He basically stays at my home every night but when he is traveling for work or has an early morning meeting. I live an hour from his work. This week he said he needed to start spending more time at his house as he was not taking care of business; the divorce, his bills, etc. He said when he's with me he just wants to have fun and doesn't take care of the things he needs to. I didn't understand that...Last night he asked if we could go back to 'just dating' and not have an 'expectation' that he will be at my house every night. Mind you, I didn't set this up this way, he did. He's the one that has moved the majority of his belongings in my home and does my lawn, and plans our weekends, hurries to my home in after work, etc. Now, all of a sudden, he wants to go back to 'just dating'. He said he doesn't want to date others or breakup, but just doesn't want to go from one marriage to another and that he feels that we are like a marriage. I replied that I just can't 'go back to just dating' but that i am not expecting him to be at my house every night -- he does that on his own. We argued and he and I both had angry exchanges and then I finally said, "Fine. You win. No problem. You don't have to worry about me anymore." That surprised him. He looked at me with that deer in the headlights look. I told him I loved him, but I couldn't imagine just "going back to dating." If he needed a break, then take it. He then suggested I was breaking up with him??? WHAT??? So this morning, he had to go out of town, kissed me on the cheak and said he was headed to the airport. I said 'Good Luck' as he was going to work on a big client out of town. He texted me a few times throughout the day to let me know some issues his daughther was having. I briefly responded to his texts. This afternoon he text me that he hoped I had a good day and as his flight would arrive late he so would go directly to his house. I text back "You too. OK." At this point, I almost want a break -- yet not really. I am thinking I should just be cool. He has a lot of stuff that he will have to move out of my home, so one day or another he will have to come to get it. I think I'm through "waiting". I don't care to date anyone else, I know I love him, but I'm not happy to slow things down. I think I will just let what happens happen. I will not ask him what he's doing, why, or anything else anymore. If he's truly in love with me he will make this happen. I am a bit angry that I was perfectly clear that i was worried about dating him, but he was very persistant. He has pursued a relationship with my parents and my children (2). When I asked why, he said because he loves us all and loves being with us, but he knows he is not handingly his business (divorce, etc.) when he's always at my house doing things with me. We are not kids, I'm 45 and he's 49. I only have one elem. child at home and I've not met any of his adult children. After all, he's not divorced yet! Is he just confused and needs to gather his thoughts, or should we end this? I love him and I believe he loves me, but we cannot go on like this...Right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk...So we talked today and we've planned a weekend out of town. We'll see what happens, but for now we're back as usual. I'll let you know what happens after this weekend, but i do plan to tell him my feelings after listening to him.....IF he talks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo clarify, he had moved out of his house 3 months prior to our dating.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI believe you're right on. I have been divorced 5 years and it was a totally different situation than he is going through. Mine was called for much ealier, but I hung in there thinking we could work it out. My ex had a violent side that would surface when he drank. After one awful night I said that's it -- I'm through. He knew I meant business and we were divorced in as soon as the process would allow. He actually can be a very nice man, and takes great care of our son when he has him, but he also has that side that will surface if he drinks and that seemed to progress the longer we stayed together. Anyway, I had no desire to date for at least 6 months and then I dated a lot. However, I never cared about anyone enough to date more than a few months. I would just break up and be done. However, this has been different. Everything has been so smooth all along. We love being with each other and I never get tired of being with him and him with me.
We've been communicating via text a lot last night through this morning and he said he wants to talk later today on the phone. I hope we will spend some time together this weekend as I don't have my son this weekend, but if not I've got plenty of household stuff to keep me busy. I'm not sure what else to do at this point. He only said he wanted to start spending more time at his place rather than always at mine so he could start handling his business better and get his outstanding issues settled. Now that I've settled down, I can understand that. He was perfectly clear that he wasn't breaking up but that he doesn't want to be expected to be at my house every night. Again, I never did, he just always has been doing so since about 6 months into our dating. He still has his own place, but he chooses to stay at mine. We live about an hour away from each other and his work is about an hour from my home. He did say he is tired of feeling like his living out of a suitcase, but we agree that it would not be right for him to move in with me until his divorce is final. I do not have the feeling he wants to date others. Should I ask or just leave it like this for now, respect his need for time alone, and see what happens? I just don't want to set myself up for hurt.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (29 September 2010):
 The best person to talk to is actually him. When you got emotional you didn't have the chance to ask the why of everything. I don't know how long you had been divorced and how it was for you, but he's at a weak moment and does everything by impulse. You don't need to be told that divorce is a draining process. I think he loves you. You will get your reward if you can be more flexible. For him, you are waiting a year but for you to wait for a man to love you might feel like forever. If you break up right now then all that waiting would be in vain. Give him time to do the divorce and if after a year still no divorce then it can't go on. You need to give him reason to believe that spending time with you is worth it. If you argue a lot then he's going to associate relationships with pain, then it would send him back to the opposite direction. He would even be afraid to suggest things in the future for fear of upsetting you, because you would begin to have high expectations of him. He shouldn't have moved in so soon but remmeber he's being impatient to live life with you, right. You can take a few steps back and still have fun with him. If you can't even have fun dating, how can you enjoy your marriage?
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