A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my girlfriend for 16 months. We were best friends before we started dating and she was almost my first everything, except for kiss pretty much. I loved her so much but we decided that we should break up for college, and go back to being best friends, because it was "the right thing to do" sort of thing. She was my first and only love and I was hers, we figured it was smart to try and date other people, but we still loved each other, its hard to turn that off. We broke up for about a month and a half, and still talked all the time and skyped and stuff. I was going home and she told me something was wrong and she really messed up and needed to tell me in person when I came home (she was going to be home that weekend too). Before I got home I was skyping her and guessed what was wrong. She had sex with another guy when she was drunk. It sucked, because yes we were broken up but we still loved each other. I was super mad but she was super down on herself too, she kept telling me she needed someone to be mad at her. When I went home we talked about it and she kept saying how she wanted to leave but she didn't want to be a bitch. I told her if she didn't want to be there she was raped, and how could she be so stupid to get herself into a situation drinking alone with a guy in a dorm. She was crying and I love her, we ended up getting back together that weekend. I had hooked up with another girl (just making out) and found it really empty. She wanted to do more with me and I said no, because I only want to have sex with the girl I love. I understand that my girlfriend was really drunk and would never do that sober but it still happened, she still remembers it and regrets it. It just sucks, because I said no I just don't see how she couldn't have. But at the same time I love her and care for her so much, and feel stupid for letting her go for college. I am happy we are back together, like unbelievably so. But I would be lying if I said it didn't bug me, and we haven't had sex since it happened and I told her I wouldn't pressure her into it because of bad memories, but I just feel like she was so stupid sometimes. I'm not really sure even what my question is, I guess more than anything. What do I do? I love her and she is amazing but I just can't fully accept that she had sex with another guy. I don't know, sorry for the long story.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): You said no to another girl and she did not say no to another guy. She saw your relationship as being over, you did not.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 October 2011):
 How long have you been with her? You said 16 months, but that must be BEFORE the break up, right? You need to scratch that both emotionally and mentally. If you and her have been together since the end of summer, then it is around 2 months, isn't it?
The only way to deal with this relationship is to think of it as a new relationship. You aren't "getting back" what you had before. That can never happen. You and her have an opportunity to make something new and fresh now. Old things must be left in the past.
It is understandable that this bothers you, but half of the reason why it bothers you is that you wish you and your girlfriend never broke up. You are trying to live in an imaginative world where your break-up never happened. That's why you say you have been together 16 months, but in reality you haven't been together 16 months. You have been together a couple of months top.
You need to take the break-up you and her had seriously. The break-up was THE END of what you and her had. What you and her have now is NOT some fantastic continuation of what you had then. Your relationship with her ended. And then you started a new relationship. Same girl, but NEW RELATIONSHIP. This is what both you and her need to accept. You need to accept that what you had before is long gone and lost, and that what you have now is still at the baby stages. You are in a fresh and new relationship, you can not support yourselves on how things used to be before. You and her both need to adapt to being in a new relationship, treat each other differently, see each other differently, and adapt into different roles than the ones you played before.
There will be a change, and make no mistake: things will be different. You can never have back what you had, even if she hadn't slept with someone else. What you and her had in the past died when you broke up. You need to let the relationship you had before pass, you need to let it go. Only then can you begin at this new relationship, grow in this new relationship, and make this new relationship into something great.
Try not to see this relationship as better or worse than the last one you had. It will be different. But it was bound to be different either way. And the only way a relationship like this could work is if things are different. Instead of pushing the new dynamics away and pretend things are like they were before, you need to embrace these changes and go with them.
You and your girlfriend need to start something new together, and build new common grounds. One way to go about this is to imagine your relationship with her in the future. Do not look back and say "I want to have what we had then". Instead what you must do is imagine how you want your relationship with her to be in the future!
Don't look back. Look ahead. And talk to your girlfriend about this so she does the same. You and her are at the beginning of a new relationship, remember that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 October 2011):
 First off, I don't think you need to push her to think it's rape. She feels bad enough as it is. The guy could have been just as dunk as her. You two were on a "break" so getting mad at her for having sex with someone else is rather irrational and unfair.
She most likely had sex with the other dude for two reasons, she missed you (he was a replacement for the night) or she was trying to "move on" by having sex with someone else.
Either you accept that is happened and you let her go. Going around being mad at her is detrimental for any relationship. Sooner or later she will have enough of you being bitter over this.
So either you want to be with her or you don't - there is no - I want to be with her if we could go back in time and change what happened. You can't.
The thing is ... when you take "breaks" in a relationship it means that you aren't together, even if you still talk/skype whatnot.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): Firstly you were broken up, so she didn't cheat on you, and you don't really have any right to be angry over her being with someone else when you weren't together. I know it hurts because you say you said no to that girl why couldn't she say no too, well simply because she isn't you, you are 2 different people and she has made a mistake, we all make mistakes. She wasn't raped though, so don't tell her that she was, as a girl who has been raped I find it terrible that you would even say that, and as for being stupid to be in the situation, she made a mistake and she needs for you to be understanding.
It sounds like you love her, so don't ruin what you have together by holding onto anger, over a decision she made when you were not together. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you, she was hurt and someone made her feel special, told her what she wanted to hear and she was drunk. It could have easily been reversed and you been the one who said yes and she said no. If you can't forgive her for a mistake, what future can you really see for yourselves. Stop thinking about it, and focus on the fact that you love her and she loves you, and don't break up with her in the future if you don't really want to break up.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (10 October 2011):
If it was not her, it would be you. Sometimes we all make mistakes and we wish we did not make them. Yes it is cowardly to regret things but sometimes that is the only way we know how to deal with it. At the end of it all we want to forgive ourselves and know that the person we love can forgive us as well.
You have to have forgiveness in your lives if you ever hope to come past these problems. We are human, we make mistakes. Some mistakes are unbearable but others can be forgiven. The reality is that the two of you are young and in college. At least the two of you were broken up when this happened.
Move on. Realize that now she wants to be with you and bring yourself into the present to realize that the girl you have been talking to all this time still wants to talk to you. Do you really want to waste all this time to stay bitter? You have every right to be upset but you need to try to move on and think positively.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (10 October 2011):
Girls make decisions on their emotions, at the time she needed company and companionship and added to the fact she was pissed and not thinking straight, she went along with it. You need to accept that girls and guys think differently in this regard, it's highly doubtful she went out looking for sex, but the circumstances were that she wanted to be with someone and there was a guy around who was able to tell her what she wanted to hear.
I don't think you should be throwing around the word rape, as this is going to make her feel even worse about what happened. I think you are doing this, to try move away the pain that you feel to blame someone else when actually what happened is just a tragic event that unfortunately happens to most girls in their life when they are feeling hurt and alone.
It sounds like you love her, and she loves you. This is something you need to just put in the past, and forget about. If you don't, it will never work out. You need to not allow yourself to dwell on what happened. If you do really love her, accept her for everything that she is, and that includes her past mistakes. She will love and accept you back, and you can have a happy future together. But you need to just stop yourself thinking about what happened, this is the key to moving on in life.
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