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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I love my boyfriend of one year. He would do anything for me and appears to want this relationship more than ever. We've been spending a lot of time together over the months and hes ready to start living together. I dont think its too soon but i have issues with how he raises his kids. His daughters are 9 and 11. My daughters are 15 and 10. His 9 year old has autism but no other disabilities. She regularly hits and kicks my kids with no consequences because he feels bad disciplining her. She basically does whatever she wants and he blames the autism. His 11 year old has ruined her reputation at school because she keeps skipping showers and not changing clothes here and there wearing the same clothes 2 3days when hes not paying attention. Recently his 9 year old has started humping things around the house and i told him she needs to find something else to be doing when she comes over other than laying in bed for 3 hours face down like she does out of boredom i guess. I know kids will be kids and need guidance so im not trying to judge them but i just wouldnt be ok with my daughters doing these things and as a mother would put my foot down nicely but firmly. His 11 year misses ressus at school everyday for not doing homework. The teachers have told him about it. If he asks her about it she lies. He doesnt check. Lately shes been talking to older boys online. Hes been told by others but still allows her to do so. My daughter walked in on her standing in the bathroom on her phone chilling with the shower running, skipping her shower once again. I feel like its not my place to correct someone elses kids and that i dont want to give up the way im running my own show. He says hes working on these things the best he can because he doesnt want to lose me but i dont understand why it takes more than a few days to fix this sort of stuff. Im second guessing if this can go forward any longer if he cant raise his kids similarly to how i am mine. Im uncomfortable with being hit, lied to, having a stepchild that has literally had nice people tell her they can smell her crotch through her pants, and another one humping the couch all day. I love the guy and things are great when its just us on the weekends. If this were to be improved, what would it take? Am i being irrational? It would hurt to break his heart if hes actually trying but i dont know what to think. Doesnt seem like hard stuff to correct.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2019): OP, you posted on Sun Dec 8th, that you were reporting the situation of your bfs two daughters, and your bfs neglectful parenting, of them, and also visible indicators of sexual abuse, that are present, in them, to the school counselor, on Mon! Today is Wed Dec 11th, and I would like to hear if that counselor took your report seriously and if she contacted Child Protective Services. I certainly pray that you acted on these very serious matters, as you said that you would! If the school counselor has not contacted CPS, then you need to contact CPS on your own! The school counselor has a moral duty to notify and report this to CPS, but be aware that she has NO legal power, to help those girls. Any adult who is aware of mistreatment of any child, has a moral duty, to follow thru, to see that CPS, and if necessary the Police and the Juvenile Court take corrective and/or legal action! I pray that you are keeping your two girls, away from this man, and his two neglected/abused daughters! Please do report back!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2019): Trust me, i left him alright. I have an appointment monday to spill my situation out to theor school counselor. Im a train wreck over these suspicions im starting to have and its probably dumb im waiting until monday. Im just trying ti grasp the signs of sexual abuse at this point so please if anyone has advice on this thread continue to add please. Ill keep updated
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2019): Autism is not an excuse to neglect and sexually abuse his daughters.What are you waiting for? Leave this man to protect your kids.Call cos to protect his kids.You do not need a man this bad.The damage he will do or has done to your kids will last forever.Stop being selfish by making excuses for this man.Put your kids first for once and do what a mother is supposed to do....Put your kids first and protect them.
You know his kids are showing signs of sexual abuse yet you make excuses for him like it is nothing.As a grandma this makes my head spin what is wrong with people? Why would any mother put their children in this situation just to have a man?Get real intense therapy like now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 December 2019):
 I think he sees you as his way out of HAVING to actually parent his kids.
Are you willing to sacrifice your kids childhood to date this man? Because YOUR kids will bear the cost of him not being a good parent. HE isn't going to be a GREAT dad overnight and neither by dating you. You might be able to help him change some things, but HE knows he is failing as a parent and he wants YOU to move in so YOU can take over.
Your kids should be the ones to adjust? Bear the brunt? Because what? They are "normal" and well adjusted? They have a parent who PARENT her kids?
THAT isn't YOUR job as a GF to raise HIS children. Nor is it your job to make him see he isn't going a good job, he knows, but he isn't DOING anything about it.
His 11 year old is engaging in really unhealthy behavior, the no hygiene, talking to older boys online and lying about her homework? ALL things that HE should NIP in the bud. Not that hard to tell your kids to shower daily or every other day. Not hard to sit down and check her homework assignments, if he BOTHERED talking to the teachers and have an assignment book that HE and the teacher can communicate through DAILY, yes it's extra work for a teacher but I think most teachers worth their salt would WANT their students to succeed and help parents to help their kids. ULTIMATELY, this is the DAD's job. As for talking to older boys online, EASY PEASY, DENY her access to tech she can be online on. REVOKE her access. If she needs to be online for school work, well then HE has to supervise her as she has PROVEN she isn't mature enough nor trustworthy to be online by herself.
Whether or not there is sexual abuse going on, I can't tell. But this is NOT normal behavior for an 11 year old. As for the Autistic one, I don't know. I don't think being Autistic is a free pass to kick other people, EVER. But if she has gotten away with it for 9 years that will NOT be an easy fix.
I had a neighbor who had an Autistic kid, they had to paint each room a certain color whenever they PCS'd (moved from one military base to another) and UNTIL that was done the kid would be almost catatonic. He simply could NOT be in a house where the living room wasn't green, kitchen blue etc. etc. There isn't a "one set of behavior that covers all Autistic people". So it's not like you can read up on it and then "get it".
I think YOU have to be the adult here and ACCEPT that YOU and HE have TOTALLY different ideas on HOW to raise a child/children and IF you move in together YOUR kids will bear the cost. Emotionally and physically.
He is a trucking DISASTER as a father. It's probably more than he can handle, thus he is SO keen on moving in together so YOU can take over. And ONCE you try and make some sort of routine for all four kids, HE will NOT like you ACTUALLY parent his kids. Because with that come discipline.
I think it would be a HUGE HUGE mistake to move forward.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2019): This guy should be a ex.His daughters are being sexually abused.You need to call cps.You also need to keep your daughters away from this man.Please open your eyes and see this guy for who he is.Protect and save his daughters and yours.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2019): Your bf is just a pitiful, and yes, very lazy father! He has no idea how to properly raise his two daughters! I too would suggest that the proper authorities be notified of possible sexual abuse, and true child neglect! I am not saying that your bf is the abuser, but you as a resposible adult, owe it to those innocent girls, to give this over, to the state authorities, to investigate the origins of these inappropriate behaviors, and to determine if, and what crimes, have been committed, and by who! The autistic girl may be too greatly disabled, to be handled, in home. That child deserves evaluation, by experts, in the field, to determine where she can achieve the best possible outcome, for her good! Please do not move your two girls, into this unstable and unwholesome enviornment! Do not team up with a weak man, to be their father figure role model. It is not hard to bathe your kids, to do their laundry, to lay out what they must wear, to check their homework, and stay in close contact with their teachers!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2019): Im the original poster. In regards to the second reply, the autism is one of the few reasons i tried to work with him on these things. I figured if it was something that cant be managed my kids could adjust to an autistic stepsister who has behavioral issues because its an exception. I just dont know enough about aspergers to say whether its exceptional or should be corrected as with any other kid
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2019): Your partner is abusing those kids.
1. He is DEFINITELY neglecting them. There are clear indicators of neglect here. And it confuses me that you want to be with a man who neglects his children, who treats his children in a way that you would never treat yours.
2. There are some extremely worrying signs of sexual abuse here. Not showering and inappropriate sexual behaviour in public are signs of sexual abuse.
I am a social worker and I think you should be phoning one. It baffles me that no one in these children's lives has phoned a social worker yet.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (2 December 2019):
 No! Why put your kids into a situation where they are hit and kicked on a regular basis? No. Why do that to your children, furthermore I think you should ask your boyfriend why he thinks you should deliberately be putting your children into a situation where they are going to be hit and kicked on a regular basis. I bet his answer will be a doozy.
As for the humping of furniture, that's just not on, he needs to take that child to a paediatrician for a complete assessment. Tell him to make it a double booking and take the child that he is so aware of she goes to school in dirty clothes and stinking.
The man is a terrible parent. What on earth do you see in him to love. A man that neglects his children to such a shocking extent …. its downright negligent and he needs to be reported to the relevant authorities.
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