A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’m not sure what to make of this but i know I don’t feel good about it and wonder if there’s something I did that led to this:I’m part of a group of four friends... one of the friends (A) just purchased a new place, and was telling me about how she’s renting a place in the meantime before moving into the new place. This conversation happened last month. Just yesterday another friend in the group (B) told me that friend A gave her B the new address (friend B brought it up to me to me because she apparently looked up the address and wanted to tell me how shocked she was how expensive the new place was). B in this conversation did not give the new address to me (and I’m going to say right now that I won’t ask B for the new address, which will be explained later).I didn’t think anything of it when B told me about the new address because I assumed B got a the new address through a Christmas card that A had sent to her (we send each other Christmas cards, and it’s that time, in fact, I already got a card from friend C in our group). I further assumed I would also get a card—therefore I wouldn’t need to ask about A or B about the address because I’d get a card, too and I could use the return address to send my card to A. B then messaged me this morning to tell me that she made a mistake in telling me that she got A’s new address. B explained that A sent a mass email providing the new address to various people on the list, so that A and her family could receive Christmas cards there. In the email A instructed people not to share the address for privacy reasons. Friend B let me know that she realized too late that I wasn’t on the email list. Even at this time, I didn’t think anything of it because I thought it was a mistake I wasn’t included. I then later messaged A because I realized I don’t even have her rental address to send my card. I know I was going to wait to get a card, but I WAS curious to see if there was a mistake I didn’t get added to the email. A responded giving me the rental address but not the new address. That’s when I realized A deliberately did not include me on the email list and did not want to give me the new address. I realize this may seem small, but the fact is I’m a a little bothered by this. I keep thinking now if I did something wrong or perhaps I haven’t been a good enough friend? There are four of us and we’ve known each other the since school days. The email apparently included the the two others in our group (so only I was left out) as well as A’s other friends. Friend B lives out of state and has not seen A in a while, but friend C and I live near friend A. A, C, and I don’t meet often though, I think it’s because we are all married, A and C have kids, and we all have different career paths, so it can be hard to find a time that works for all of us. A and C and I keep in touch, however, and we usually meet up at least twice each year. This year in particular I met with A and C for A’s birthday and met with A and C for C’s baby shower. And recently last month we had a triple date brunch with the kids. At the end of the day I respect A’s wishes and will leave it alone. I won’t ask her what’s going on because it’s her decision, and friend B made a mistake in telling me.... so I don’t want to open that up. But I just don’t feel good about this... I know it’s just speculation which will probably go nowhere since I can’t bring it up to her... but does anyone have any insight as to what could have happened? I’ve tried to put myself in her shoes and I can’t imagine not sharing my new address... From my end I can honestly sense no animosity, competition or anything, so it just seems so out of left field. I can’t figure it out. Which is why in the end I can’t help but feel I did something. Perhaps I wasn’t a good enough friend... I didn’t bring gifts for her children when I should have? That’s all I can think of....Thank you for reading and any insight and help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2019): Something similar happened to me once, but with a friend I had been very close to and had helped a lot. I bought an apartment and she was still in a rental. I did this as a single mother, with no support from anyone. She was older than me and in a lot of debt but also stated many times I was the only friend she had that never used her as a personal counsellor and also tried to help her whereas her other friends all made her feel like she had to offer counselling in order for her to have their friendship.
I moved into my new apartment and, shortly afterwards, she moved to a new rental place but did not give me her address. She also started acting somewhat snooty, if not downright rude towards me. For example, I once had to call her when we were both at work, literally on a work related matter because there was a chance the company I worked for could actually have put a lot of business her way / for the company she worked for. When I called the receptionist put me through to her and she said "what do you want?" No "hello" or "how are you" or anything.
This was mind-bending. I really had been a good friend to her and had never treated her badly and definitely was not showing off about my new place. When sh e say my new flat all she talked about was how inflated the house prices were and "we both know your place is only worth about ...." and stated a figure of less than half what I'd paid for it. I actually sold it 12 years later for over three times as much as I paid but hey ho...
She also did this weird thing of collecting any stray post (I had previously lived in the flat below hers) for months on end and then just dumping it through my letter box with no note, or explanation or anything.
It was horrible. Looking back, I had felt something like a resentment building for a long time; she had a heap of problems of her own and I suspected she was taking it out on me - finally, I realised this really was the case and that she was projecting a lot of her insecurities on to me. I did try to discuss it with her but she simply blocked off any conversation that led that way.
In the end, as much as it really hurt me, I called her and told her not to bother putting post through my door anymore. I was moving in with my partner but I didn't tell her this, I just said "I'm moving elsewhere, so I won't receive the post". I felt her kind of inwardly 'stumble' on the other end of the phone - because the point was I was not giving her my new address or explaining my circumstances, which is pretty much exactly what she had done to me. We then said goodbye and that was that.
It actually took me years to really get over that friendship but I increasingly put together little pieces of events and memories and realised that she really was extremely jealous of me and couldn't cope with her jealousy, which came to a head when I bought an apartment and she remained in rental property.
So, it's your choice but I would take the 'upper hand' and just cut this woman out of your life without saying anything to her or to anyone else. Move on. whatever mind games she's playing let her play them without your involvement. There are so many lovely people in the world to choose from as friends and sometimes you really can only go so far in a friendship. Cut her loose, don't let her mess with your head any longer. with time, you may see the situation differently and more clearly and things may make more sense than they do right now.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2019): Hi, OP here. Thanks for all your help and insight! A few days have passed, and I feel a little better about it, in the sense that it is what it is, and life goes on. The funny thing is that we are all meeting up for the holidays, but I respect her wishes and I will leave it alone. I’m blessed enough to have the people I have in my life and the things I have going on in my life, too.
Thank you again for your help!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2019): If you really don't want to ask (which is the only way to find out because no one here can tell you what's happened) then I suggest you wait until she's moved into the new house and then send a casual text like 'hey what's your new address, I got you a little housewarming gift I want to send!"
If she suggests that you just give it to her next time you see her say it's a bit time sensitive. (ie could be flowers or a fruit basket)
If she doesn't want to give it to you then she won't be able to avoid giving you some kind of reason.
Although my guess is that B knows what's up and you should just ask her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2019): Unfortunately, it sounds like she's trying to phase out the friendship. :-( you don't have to have done anything wrong for this to happen! I tried to phase out my friend D but she'd always track me down and confront me on why she wasn't informed of contact information or invites
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (2 December 2019):
 I would change countries to avoid confrontation, so maybe another email is in order
Using your own words just say you have noticed the others in the group have been given her new address and been asked not to share it with you …. have you don't something to offend her lately, because if you have you would like to apologise for any hurt caused.
Yours in friendship ….
Leave the ball in her court. There is not much more you can do. I hope it gets sorted amicably and that it was a horrid mistake.
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