A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I am a 29 year old man and i have been with my wife for 5 years married for 3 of them. We have a little girl who is nearly two and we both dote on her.Just after we were married our sex life appeared to change dramatically, I understand that the honeymoon period normally deosnt last very long but we were happy and a healthy sex life for over two years.Sex appeared to become a chore for my wife and over the months we had sex less and less.For the past 3 years i have tried on multiple occasions to bring this up and my wife end up crying and saying she doesnt know why she doesnt want to have sex. The side effect was i started noticing more and more that it was me who was always making the first move when it came to any kind of affectionWe are now at the stage where we just dont have sex,and 2 months ago my wife agreed to go to the doctors to see if there was anything wrong, problem is she still hasnt done anything about it. I feel as though she is punishing me for something sometimes, I no longer have the confidence to even give her a kiss or a cuddle unless i get an obvious sign from her that it is ok.I know im supposed to be a man but most nights after she has gone to sleep, I cry because i know if something doesnt change soon i will have to do something about it and that would mean leaving her and my daughter which would rip me apart.I feel like she doesnt love me though she assures me she does, she appears not to like to talking to me as if she isnt watching the latest soap on TV, she is on the phone to her parents or at her parents house leaving with the baby on my own, The phone thing happens every night and she goes to her parents 3 or 4 nights a week. Also i have recently(the past two weeks) started playing football after work which means rather than me getting home at 6pm I get home at 7:30pm, when i speak to her to tell her she always makes me feel guilty about it.I have always been very close with my parents and they have recently emigrated to USA and my freinds are hers so i have no one i can talk too. And i guess this is adding to my feeling of isolation.I want to save my marriage but I just dont know what to do, please help
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (5 June 2008):
 Take her out. Make it "formal". A meal out, just the two of you, once a month at least. Arrange it right now. It doesn't have to be an expensive romantic dinner.
Do the little things that you might have done when you first met her. Hold her hand when you are out together - you don't have to go down the street hand-in-hand like kids! - just a touch and a squeeze is enough (and don't worry if she says "get off, you silly sod" or something like that. That's OK. Do it again later.)
Make her feel special. Open doors for her. Touch - not sexually, just affectionately. The briefest of touches on a shoulder or a hip can say "I'm yours, I love you" much more effectively than words ever will. Concentrate on her and on anything she says when you are out together. Make her the centre of your attention. Try to respond not just to her words but to every action and look she makes.
It doesn't matter that it's always you who makes the first move. It does matter when you stop making those moves.
When you have sex, concentrate on her. Make more of the foreplay. Forget about your pleasure for the moment - that will come in time. The spark is still there; it's just not turning into a fire for the moment.
... and I like the comments from StudentofLife. Good clothes on a man make all the difference. I can't explain it, but the better a man's clothes the quicker we want them off him...
A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (5 June 2008):
 I was in the same situation once (sex...). Turn out I just didn't know how to turn her on, I did some small changes and noticed a big difference.
My problem was with what she was seeing of me. I was always a mess, wasn't dressing properly, hair never done ... etc. One day, I looked myself in the mirror and laugh cause I looked like a bum. I went to the closest mall and bought myself some new clothe that I wore back home. The first thing she said, when she saw them, was "Get naked!".
I learned then that physical appearance is important too.
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There's another thing that may affect a relationship-love languages. I learned, from a book, that if you don't speak the love language of your spouse that she won't understand it and will feel unloved ... that will result in less sex.
In order to speak the love language of your spouse, you just need to figure out how she shows her love to you. If she's the kind of woman who do the dishes, cook ... etc. A good way to show that you love her would be to do or help her out with those.
The way that she shows her love to you is, most of the time, the way that you can show your love to her.
If "Don't do to others what you don't want others to do to you" is true. Than the opposite "Do to others what you want them to do to you." Is also true.
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Looks like you guys can't stay in your house anymore, so don't. Go out!
When is the last time you went out alone with your wife? Danced, romantic diner (To talk to your wife, not to eat), vacation, went to the beach?
Hope this help.
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A
female
reader, Star_07  +, writes (5 June 2008):
 The fact that you have a young one at home could be a big part of it. Some women, not all, lose their sex drive after having kids.
How about intimacy without sex. You should be able to hold her hand, kiss her, and hug her without it meaning that you want sex. Talking to her and spending time with her without sex. Going on a picnic or out somewhere without sex. I think you should try these things first. Sometimes strengthening the relationship helps in the sex department.
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