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We are looking to move in together, yet he won't be flexible! What should I do?

Tagged as: Family, Long distance, Love stories<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 October 2015) 4 Answers - (Newest, 31 October 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, *1983 writes:

Dear Cupid,

I have been in a long distance relationship for two years. I am 33, he is 30 and we live 3 hours apart.

We are looking to move in together. He wants me to move to his house which is in the countryside. There aren't any jobs in my career there and wages are generally low. I have an elderly widowed mum who would then be 6 hours away and a nightmare journey.

He says he is willing to look at other locations but isn't keen on leaving his house which he owns and his job which he has been at for 10 years. I also own my own house.

I have said I am happy to move anywhere within 3 hours drive from mum. From there I could easily juggling any health problems with mum around work and our relationship. I am really worried by moving to his I would be forced out of employment should something happen to mum as we have no other family helping out and moving back to her leaving him.

I am trying and be as flexible as I can be and give the relationship the best chance of moving forward. But, If I'm going to move I want to know it is to a place I can settle long term.

I feel torn. What should I do? I feel I am being over flexible in compromising and am starting to resent him. I am frustrated by the way he is refusing to be practical. I understand he is happy where he is but if we are going to make a go of this I need him to at least cooperate a bit.

What should I do?

View related questions: long distance

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2015):

It doesn't sound as if he is budging from his home. And you have your own place and an elderly mother to consider. Without reasonable compromise you are not going to be able to find a solution. It needs as list of what is important to you both and a realistic look at the options. If your relationship is strong you will find a way through but maybe, if he won't consider your needs then he doesn't care for you enough.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 October 2015):

Don't feel torn. Don't make any move that isn't within compromise. If he isn't budging, knowing the less than flexible situation you're in concerning your mother's welfare and accessibility; than consider that a deal-breaker. Keep things as they are.

In a relationship, all things are negotiable. If they're not, there's a power-struggle and somebody is trying to be in control. He isn't giving up his job, and you'll be out of a job and looking. Consider the fact you'll be at his mercy financially. Out in the boonies, and always concerned about your mother.

Unless you can afford geriatric care for your mother and/or have access to social services that provides a visiting nurse; you may want to find yourself a man who isn't stuck out in the countryside, willing to compromise, and gives a hoot about the lopsided sacrifices you'll have to make to be with him. Be equals or be nothing. Imagine what it would be like. Stuck out with the cows, driving miles each way to see your ailing mother; and having no job?

It's a no-brainer. You've got a job, reasonable access to your mother, and you're independent. Find another man.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (30 October 2015):

YouWish agony auntHonestly? Your mom should take precedence over him. I have an elderly widowed mom who I live 12 hours away from, and it's awful enough as it is, even knowing my brother lives in town with her, so I know she's being taken care of.

This is also a RED FLAG in that if he's this rigid now before the moving in happens, what will happen AFTER you move in? Will it be his rules? Will it be his career and ambitions before yours? You will be sacrificing your independence and subjecting yourself to financial weakness, and you don't even have any safety.

I say don't move in until you marry. That's not a moral stand I take, but a practical one. Marry first, and then if it goes south, property is communal, and you're not left out to dry.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (30 October 2015):

Aunty BimBim agony auntWhy does he think its okay for you to leave your own house, and your elderly mother, but not for him to leave his house?

Tell him its a new start for you both, and that means you both need to agree on a new place to live. If you move into his house, it will always be his house, and same if he moves into yours.

I also think your situation with your mother needs to be given more consideration by him, his care level at the moment seems to be nil for you, and all for him.

Consider carefully if he really is the sort of man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

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