A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had earlier posted a question about losing spark with my long term boyfriend. We have been together for 9 years and ever since then he has had insecurity issues. Finally when he moved to another city 2 yrs back , our communication stopped and we broke up for about 6 months. Then realized we are best friends and life is difficult without each other and we got back together. Now Things seems still.We hardly talk. There is no FUN in the relationship.He has a terrible time at work and has no time .We talk maybe twice a week and meet once in 4 months. He again seems withdrawn and not interested.ALso we had not had sex.i always wanted to wait till we got married but seeing how things were deteriorating we gave it a tryIt hurts me to say this but it was horrible. I felt nothing and even felt very wrong doing it. I felt pain and pain and more pain emotionally during and after.Now i dread being alone with him .I keep putting off even simple making out. I can listen to his problems endlessly and support him through anything but i cant be with him sexually.He is handsome and a very good guy. He has anger and insecurity issues but nothing out of ordinary.Ever since he moved, (which he did not discuss with me even though we were together for very long,) his lack of communication and placing the blame on me for all things that go wrong has left me emotionally exhausted.I am tired.How do i sort it out.How do i connect physically. I have tried everything from dressing up, to getting excited before to candle light, but it seems like i have deep rooted issues which i am not able to get over or figure out and being the non conversational guy talking with him ends in fight or misunderstanding, what do i do
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female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (8 March 2014):
 All I can say is things happen for a reason it may not be your doing. I feel like this about my ex its like the only time I ever enjoyed sex was the first night and I got pregnant thank God he didnt and I didnt and we dont have Hiv and other stuff. But I didnt enjoy sex thereafter on a few occasions I did with threesomes that he arranged and participated in. But one on one is not a hit for me with him. I think I know its cause he kinda stop caring let his self go a little got depressed. I worked alot at times I know and felt I was just a roommate that happen to make children with him. You know when people care for you it shows in the love making. Even if you not go be with that person forever you can tell and that effects some peoples sex drive unless you just on a hit or miss trying to accomplish a goal. At this time Im so over past lovers and bad love making. Im starting to want to be more into pleasure and pleasurable things by any means necessary. All I can say is get to the bottom or point of the deep rooted issue and it could improve things with you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes it was our first time and we havent tried since. We both realised it would not be great but this was worse. Not the physical pain but emotionally there was no connect.
Even before we had sex , when we did "other things" i couldn't wait for it to stop.I would dread it. but i knew for a healthy relationship we needed it. I kept quiet for a long time as i realised it would hurt him even if i communicate , as i said he is not the talking and sort it out types. But i guess at some point it began to show. Otherwise we are good together. We help each other grow emotionally and we are best friends.
He is the guy every girl would love to marry , He doesn't lie or cheat or hurt, is caring and an extremely dependable person. Some one you can have a family with. And yet this one aspect of our relationship is ruining it all
When he moved to another city , he did not consult with me. I felt a bit stranded and left out . I did not anticipate it and hence could not move with him. I completed my studies last year and this year i have applied for opportunities in same city. It was very bad as relationship went from seeing each other everyday to once in few months
As his job is more permanent , it made sense that i move. But again he tells me, don't move because of me. Don't make me your priority. this confuses me. Is he thinking of breaking up? He sometimes says we wont work out.
I am still ready to move and make things work. If not then atleast i tried. I am hoping bridging the distance will help work out differences
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (8 March 2014):
 I have to ask... had you had sex before him, or was this your first sexual experience?
If so, it's normal to feel pain during first-time sex. Sadly it's also common, if not "normal," to feel wrong and guilty about it if you have been raised with faith or morals that specifically prohibit sex before marriage.
If any of the above is true in your case, then you may be a bit premature in declaring that you are completely sexually incompatible with this man specifically - it's more that sex, ALL sex, is out of your comfort zone at the moment. From your post it seems you have not been intimate with him since this one failed try. So I wouldn't necessarily treat a single bad experience in the bedroom as a dealbreaker.
That said, there are clearly other issues in your relationship that ARE a big deal, and should cause you to seriously consider whether you see a future with this guy.
First off you say you talk twice a week and meet once every four months. After nine YEARS of your life in a committed relationship with someone, it is fair for either party to expect more regular contact than this. If there is a long-distance element, it's something you two should be making plans to resolve eventually in order to have a future together.
Are you satisfied with only seeing him that often? Is he content to only see you that infrequently? If not, you either need to work toward a compromise that makes you happier or consider leaving the relationship.
You also mention that communication between the two of you is very poor. Some of this may very well be due to personality traits that he has (or lacks), but I am willing to bet the infrequency with which you actually see and talk to one another isn't helping things any. If he only talks to you twice a week and can only hug and kiss you three days out of the year, I have to say I'm not surprised he isn't thrilled to devote those days or that time to hearing complaints. Should he BLAME you for them? Absolutely not, but on the other hand I can see why he might not be as receptive as if he had plenty of time to see and talk with you about happy things, too.
The third red flag to me is your statement that the relationship is "no fun" at this point. You are in your late twenties and have your whole life ahead of you. The last thing I'd want to do is try to convince you that you should stay somewhere you're not happy - and that, for me, would be the deciding factor in all of this. Can you compromise with him to the point where this relationship does bring happiness to BOTH of you? If not, it's time to move on.
Good luck and best wishes as you work through this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2014): I think you need to consider what is good for you, and when you have decided on this matter, you should sit down with him and explain why you have made your decision, either to try and repair your feelings or you are getting out of this relation. What ever decision you make, you have to be strong.
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