A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is it normal for guys to be distant and not want sex when they are stressed?We live together and are both out of work.He is also having issues with his son.He just says he is aggravated. Not sure how to handle this. He says we are around each other all day but really we do not talk he plays video games while I clean, read, apply for work in another room.
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female
reader, broken33 +, writes (9 July 2015):
Thanks guys for your input he just told me he wants to move out and be alone
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (8 July 2015):
 His Depression is likely altering the man's outlook. He has his shoulders over-burdened with resentment that he's in this predicament. But there is no excuse for him being dismissive and rude.All credit to you for trying to remain positive. That's a great way to address adversity.Whereas he is going in the opposite direction.If he's like that then nothing will be good enough.I'm not sure he's even going to be able to embrace a more positive outlook.He may even have convinced himself that you are going to leave so he's pushing you away....Talk to assertively when he seems in a receptive frame of mind.Ask him where he sees you and him in 5 years time. Ask him how he wants things to be between the two of you in 6 months time.And tell him, calmly:When you (his action) that makes me feel (you feeling following his unwanted action) and as a result, in future I would prefer that (alternative way of him speaking/acting/behaviour instead)If his rudness becomes intolerable you may need to look for alternative living arrangements. No one needs to share a home with someone who can't bring themselves to be pleasantMy best wishes to you.
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A
female
reader, broken33 +, writes (7 July 2015):
@Abella I get your point and maybe I should redirect my myquestion. I feel like I am trying to stay positive while he seems to be pushing me further and further away ie meaning no affection, no words of admiration, it is like I am the problem. He is rude and mean most of the time. Not sure if it os the stress or he wants to break up because I can no longer contribute much. I sold an appliance and instead of saying that is going to help a lot he said you got extra money now my boss and mom are covering the bills which was hurtful
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (7 July 2015):
Wonderful comprehensive answer from Aidan.
Your question has touched on an area that I find very fascinating.
Forgive me, but the following is more of an article, to demonstrate how severe economic downturn, coupled with severe psychological depression can result in less desire for sex and how the history of the Great Depression can demonstrate this via statistics and many studies .
When a person cannot see forward, cannot make plans that involve spending money, and added to that is the stress of continual rejection when jobs are applied for but each time a job is not secured, plus the worry of how to pay all the regular accounts that come in and need to be paid it can shatter self esteem.
If a responsible guy feels a failure because he can't secure a job and an income then he may become disinchanted with things in general.
To illustrate this effect I am going to draw on history and economics to illustrate how a previous economic downturn affected whole communities and resulted in a birth rate reduction.
These effects that affected large numbers of the population in the 1930s have been researched, analysed, documented and studied in more recent years by students studying economics.
In the 1930s depression unemployment was very widespread across the world and severely affected USA, Europe and the United Kingdom and other countries.
Many people became depressed by the economic downturn in their lives. Most, in the 1930s had to put up with no treatment for their depression, making the outcomes for individuals worse.
With less money in the community coupled with food shortages in many communities both the weight of children dropped (as they were not getting adequate nutrition) but so too did the birth rate (there was no ''the pill) in those days.
This drop may have been voluntary by people being careful to nor get pregnant but depression played a part plus many marriage break-ups occurred due to the severe economic downturn. At the time men were often seen as the breadwinner but in poorer families women would often try to take in work that they could find or do at home. Another mouth to feed was the last thing a poor family needed.
The other effect noticed, when statistics were analysed decades later, was who survived the Depression better versus others. Many students have interviwed people who were the children of parents who lived through the 1930s depression. Books have been published on the effects of this widespread economic depression.
While psychological depression (as described later by the families descendants) was widespread as unemployment rose the true ''survivors'' of the 1930s (1929 - 1939) Great Depression were people, (even though dispirited and ashamed), who kept busy - by walking each day looking for firewood or anything useful they could find and treated this search like their daily work.
The ones who stayed home, moped, lost heart, loss all motivation to try anything (and exhibiting these signs of Depression) stopped trying to bring in some found resources and became more depressed had less positive outcomes and were less able to function and less able to support their families than the guys who went looking every day.
Such severely depressed men would sometimes walk away, abandon their families and take on a new identity, never to be found again by the family they abandoned, such was their shame at not being able to financially support their families.
World War II provided the first employment some people had ever had in the ten years since 1929.
In such cases in the Great Depression, where men just abandoned their families, the human tragedy left such men as aimless wanderers. While the family they left behind were more vulnerable again. These were times when any kind of welfare relief was less common than today.
People would often owe so much rent that they would do an overnight flit with all their posessions, leaving landlords with no tenant and months of unpaid rent. Tracing such people was near impossible (unlike the electronic times we live in now)
Sometimes though whole families went as a unit together - and travelled from place to place looking for any work they could find.
The family of Elvis Pressley (Elvis born 1935) were such an example. Though they had twin boys (one twin died) they never had another child as they could barely survive in the Depression even with just one child.
My meaning is all this is to show that in times of severe economic hardship, in the more recent past, the desire for sex was lessened, birth rates dropped and depression was widespread, when bigger issues of survival existed, such as how to afford to live and keep a roof over one's head, feed the family and survive when jobs were so scarce.
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A
female
reader, broken33 +, writes (7 July 2015):
I have been out of work for four weeks and he is injured from work so income is sparse but there. He really truly acts as if I don't matter. All he does is play video games and I know he is watching porn too. I have tried talking to him with no luck. Just kinda feel like I am buliding everyone up staying positive etc. No one seems to care how down I am feeling right now. He does tend to run when things are stressful and I am trying to prevent it from happening once when things were stressful he told me to move out that things were better when we didnt live together, so as heartbroken as that was I made an effort to do so, then he changed his mind.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 July 2015):
 Yes, I think him not wanting sex is fairly normal. Stress hormones can make you gain weight and lose your libido.
He is disappointed in himself, he feels the stress and as a failure = playing video-games can be his escape.
I do think you two ought to talk about this, maybe even help each other in the job search, could be one of you have more experience in writing CV's etc.
How long have you two been out of work? And how do you manage to live ?
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (7 July 2015):
Yes, stress is a leading cause of loss of sexual drive in men and women. Your lives sound pretty stressful at the moment and your communication has broken down. You need space apart from each other. This might come when one of you gets work, starts volunteering, or does something to get some space and not live in the other’s pocket. In the meantime, ask him to sit down without his video games and you without your laptop. Encourage him to share his concerns, and share with him yours. Encourage him to see that, when it comes to his son, he can only do his best. Try and have a conversation with each other about how you can support, and how you can set aside time to meaningfully spend with each other, in other words in each other’s company, not simply each other’s presence. This won’t necessarily be a miracle cure in the bedroom but it’s a start. Remember things are particularly difficult at the moment and will hopefully get better. Stress is something we have to manage, and it sounds like he’s bottling his up, meaning it’s hardly surprising it’s taking its toll on his libido.
I wish you all the very best.
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