A
female
age
36-40,
*eeVee
writes:So, I've been talking to this guy online for almost a couple of months and he first asked me out about a month ago but then cancelled because he realised he had plans that evening. We exchanged numbers after this and he called to ask me out the following week but then cancelled by text on the morning of the date because he was ill. I though OK, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. I got in touch with him by text a few days later and we had a quick text chat where he mentioned he was really busy that week so I decided to leave it and then just text in a friendly way about a week later. He asked me out again and called a couple of days after to arrange things properly etc. On the day he called two hours before to say he was behind at work and wouldn't be finished for the time we'd planned to meet. He was apologetic and said he felt guilty. I asked him if he'd be free any later and he said he wasn't sure and he'd call. I was out and about anyway doing chores so I didn't really mind meeting later. A couple of hours after I was pretty wound up with nervous energy and decided to give him a call and hopefully get him to agree to meet later. I'm not normally forward or pushy so this cost me a lot of effort and I kind of wish I hadn't done it now. He said he thought he'd be done about an hour and a half later and would give me a call and apologised again. Two hours passed and he didn't call so I just sent a quick text saying I was still around if he wanted to meet but otherwise I'd head home. He replied to say he'd finished but had a head ache so was going straight home and said sorry again… I didn't reply because I was worried my earlier call was too pushy and I haven't heard from him since (this was 2 days ago). I don't really understand the situation, since we have never met and I just don't get why you would keep asking somebody out and then cancel on them? Surely he would just not ask me out or ignore me or tell me straight if he wasn't interested? He did vaguely mention that he'd had some sort of bad online dating experience in the past so I don't know if maybe that is making him flake? I also don't know if I should get in touch with him again even though I want to? It's pretty frustrating. I haven't dated anybody in a loooong time due to hectic work life and bad past experiences myself and thought this guy seemed really nice (or as nice as you can seem over the internet) and that we'd probably hit it off in person.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2013): Girl, you don't even need to confuse yourself.
A guy who asked to go out w/you and cancels the date the last minute deserve to be thrown in the garbage.
Honestly. he shows no respect for your time and look what he have done for you, you wonder anxiously. Asking strangers what's on his mind...
If I were you. i wont give a damn to his excuses. LAME excuses. I wont even talk to him EVER AGAIN. Otherwise, you will always get disappointed w/him, every time.
Trust me, give him a chance and prepare to get disappointed.
This type of guy is time waster.
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (22 December 2013):
 I know. I got that, but you shouldn't have called him. He keeps bailing out and you keep chasing him.
Write this one off.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2013): Don't waste your time with him. I've had the same meeting girls, I've had one or two dates with them, they forever tell me how nice I am definitely want to see me again, then like you describe, cancel at the last minute but continue to show interest. Say they will call and never do.
Walk away. I wasted 5 years of my life with people like this.
The right person will move heaven and he'll to be with you. Find that person instead.
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A
female
reader, BeeVee +, writes (22 December 2013):
BeeVee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to clarify that the last time he cancelled he did call me a couple of hours before to say he didn't think he could make it and then I called him back a little later to see if he was nearly done with work. I don't think this was clear before given one of the answers I got. He did let me know he couldn't make it, it wasn't just because i called him. Thanks!
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (22 December 2013):
I wouldn't contact this man again. Ever.
Whether he's interested but shy or not interested really doesn't matter at this point because he's made zero effort to make a good first impression. He's cancelled at the last minute three times and one of those times you only found out because you called him. That is a red flag.
Personally I think you made a mistake calling him after he cancelled the second time. Whether or not he contacted you, and how soon would have given you a chance to gage his sincerity, but you pre-empted him by calling him first.
Don't rely on a man to tell you up front that he isn't interested. Most people would consider that rude and decent people don't want to hurt someone else's feelings. That's why you have to pay closer attention to subtle cues. The ones other people give you as well as the ones you give others.
The general rule of thumb in polite society, whether the acquaintance is romantic or platonic, is that the person who does the cancelling is the one who should initiate contact and try to set up another meeting. If they don't it should be taken as a polite 'not interested' or 'not ready at this time' and nothing more said. If they do initiate contact it could be their way of reassuring you they're still interested and the reason for cancelling was legitimate. Give them a chance to give you the chance to size them up.
If you want to have good connections with quality people you have to set limits, stick to them and be prepared to walk away at the first red flag.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (22 December 2013):
 At first I was going to suggest leaving it until he called or contacted you, and then I thought, but what if ....
What if his reasons for breaking both arrangements were genuine, and now he is too embarrassed, or feels he probably screwed his chances to contact you again?
So, a quick text, "Happy Christmas, I hope it is all you could wish for": and leave it at that.
You have left the door open for him to recontact you, and the ball is quite firmly in his court.
What happens next is up to him, in the meantime keep your options open.
Good luck!
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