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Was my husband lying about not loving the other woman?

Tagged as: Cheating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 April 2018) 11 Answers - (Newest, 9 April 2018)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

is my husband lying to me when he says he never loved the other woman? I found messages and video with him telling her he loves her

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (9 April 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntI guess you will never know. Deep down what is your head telling you? I know it is easy to follow your heart because you love your husband. But him having an affair is a sign that there is something lacking in the marriage for him. Maybe he likes the thrill or the excitement. Or maybe he caught feelings for this other woman. Either way I don't think I would be able to forgive it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2018):

It doesn't matter if he loved her. She was clearly important enough for him to risk your entire marriage to be with her. To risk losing you to be with her. I would not be concerned about whether it's sex or emotions cause both are equally bad. I'd be concerned there was another woman, period.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2018):

I believe that he could still have loved her and not left you. Men are weak cowards and have too much to lose, even for love. What usually happens is they keep 2 relationships. One with the wife and one with the mistress.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2018):

He didn't love her enough to leave you if that is any consolation. You probably love him and want to believe that if it was just sex really you can move past it. But will you ever forget what you saw and heard? He may have told her that to keep her sweet but what it shows is he has a lack of respect for his marriage and his vows, pretty damn shitty behavior. I would love you to update and say you kicked him out but i suspect you want to believe him when he says she meant nothing to him and he won't do it again, only you know how sincere and remorseful he is...

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa +, writes (6 April 2018):

Dionee' agony auntWhether he loves her or not; we might never know and here's why:

1. He could have been filling her head with garbage so that he could continue to get some while also keeping his bread buttered by you as well.

2. He might really love her in which case your marriage means very little or absolutely nothing to him (which should be cause for concern). He may be lying to you simply to spare your feelings because it would be easier for you to forgive him if you thought that he did not love her.

Honestly, either way; I probably wouldn't stay because cheating is a personal deal-breaker of mine. You seem to think that everything will be okay if only you could figure out whether he loves her or not. The fact of the matter is that he cheated and whether he loves her or not isn't important; what is important is that he broke the vows. That's all.

The fact of the matter is that when people cheat, they don't always have to love the other person, they just have to want to have sex with that person enough to put an end to the curiosity.

It isn't a question of love; it's more so a question of what you're willing to accept.

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A male reader, Garbo United States +, writes (5 April 2018):

Garbo agony auntMaybe he does not love her and is telling you the truth. Maybe he does love her but is telling you a lie because that’s what you wanna hear. Third maybe is he does not even know if he loves her because cheaters, often times, have no clue what love is. As a result, he may default to saying what anyone wants to hear.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2018):

I am sorry to say but yes, I think it is very possible that he loved the other woman. In some way. He had some level of feelings for her, unless it was a purely sexual affair.

I need to ask you how LONG the affair went on?

This is a crucial question to ask and a crucial answer to know when advising you.

Love is a subjective word. A man can THINK he is in love when he is only, in fact, just infatuated. Feelings of infatuation are the first phase of all love relationships. Infatuation then transitions into the attachment or true love phase where human bonding takes place in order to raise a family. It's evolutionary and all relationships follow this pattern. Infatuation or the honeymoon phase is like your brain on drugs. During this time, the obsession for the other person is so strong that it indeed feels like love, but in reality, it isn't. Infatuation is also a short lived phase. Some experts predict it can last up to 3 years at its peak but that is a generous assumption in my view. Certainly, affairs have a prolonged infatuation phase due to the illicit nature of the relationship where the affair partners only see each other's idealized version of the person they really are. And most affairs do crumble once reality sets in and the fantasy falls apart. It was never about wanting another relationship as much as needing a fantasy to make the broken parts of the marriage more tolerable.

I don't believe it is possible for your husband to truly love another woman. An affair is not true love. I also believe that in order to your husband to betray you this way, he did not love you enough to stay faithful and committed. He felt he needed something more. So, in fact, he loves himself more than either of you. Love is not selfish. Love is wanting what is best for the other person. And you will sacrifice your own happiness to do it. Your husband is using both of you. He is hurting both of you. If he loved you, he would never have been unfaithful with another woman. If he loved her, he would have made her the centre of his universe, not kept her a secret on the sidelines. None of his actions proclaim love for either woman.

If the affair lasted for years, then yes, I would say there is a level of emotional investment in another woman. A one night stand or a fling would not yield this kind of emotional attachment. Therefore, the longer the affair went on, the more of an investment your husband had in the other woman. He may have thought he loved her. Perhaps he did, in his own way. But again, it can never be true love.

I think you have married a man who is incapable of understanding the meaning of true love. He is too self centred. I also believe that if you do choose to forgive him and move on, you will always need to worry about whether he makes the choice to do this again down the road. He has proven the type of a man that he really is. He has shown you his lack of character and commitment. Even if the other woman had the misfortune of winning the prize, she, too would have to spend the rest of her days looking over her shoulder if she had remained with him.

So, the question is are you able to trust him again? Or will you live in misery wondering when he is going to betray you yet again?

It does not matter in the big picture if he loved another woman or not. He did not love you enough to do right by you and not hurt you. Loving someone is never wanting to hurt them and he hurt you in the worst way possible.

He is a man who wants it all. His security and comfort of a home life and a little sizzle on the side when the opportunity arises.

Will he always be content with just a quiet and comfortable domesticated life with you? Or will his need for excitement forever be lurking beneath him like a volcano waiting to explode? Are you prepared to be a sitting duck?

Marriage is hard work. The passion fades. The allure of the woman he was intensely infatuated with (YOU) fades in time. It would fade, too, with the other woman. So, then what? Does he continue chasing a new thrill for the rest of his life? Most likely, while holding onto you, his security blanket?

You will never feel good enough about yourself. He will lower your self esteem, if he hasn't already. He made you replaceable, old, boring and not enough. He felt he could find better. More exciting. What happens in ten years as you grow older? Are you going to forever be insecure about him? About your imperfections which could drive him away? Again?

You see, it isn't YOU. It's HIM. He will blame you. But the fact is he had choices. He did not have to resort to the easy way out. He could have worked out the issues with you, his wife, honorably. He could have communicated with you, his wife. Instead of escaping to a temporary solution which eventually, too, would disintegrate.

I think you need to look closely at your choice of a man. Is this the kind of a man who is truly WORTHY of YOU? Does he measure up to YOUR standards?

So many women are so in love and blinded by their feelings that they put up with philanderers and end up being more and more miserable because they hold out hope that these men will change. But they can't. A woman's love and devotion does not change a cheater. It's a rare thing that these guys can walk the straight and narrow after tasting the forbidden fruit. You many think he has straightened out, but..... there will always be that one opportunity that comes along, that will test his resolve. Will he pass the test? Past behaviour indicates future behaviour. Very important to note this. It is up to you. Whether you choose to have FAITH in him. But look at what he has already done to you. He has destroyed your trust in him. To be quite honest, it will be a tough uphill battle to get that trust back. And you may never get it back.

Be prepared for the road ahead. It will be a difficult one. If it was me, I would end it. I would not put myself through the misery of wondering when he would do it again.

I am sorry you are going through this. :(

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (4 April 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntWould it make it easier or harder for you if he did love her? I ask because you sound like you want/need to believe he didn't really love her but, if I were in your shoes, I would be MORE concerned if he risked his marriage to you for someone he didn't at least have strong feelings for. That would make your marriage worth very little to him.

Of course none of us (you included) can really KNOW whether he loved her (or thought he loved her) or not. Only HE knows that and it is doubtful he will tell the truth so, really, it is pointless wondering.

What you need to decide is whether YOU love HIM enough to try to move past this. Can you ever rebuilt trust? Or is this affair going to eat away at you until you realize you will never move past it? And how is HE after being discovered? Is he repentant? Does he realize how much he has hurt you and is he truly sorry? THESE are the things you should be concentrating on, not whether he loved the other woman.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (4 April 2018):

Honeypie agony auntObviously, your husband will say whatever he thinks EITHER of you want to hear.

He told her he loved her (maybe he did in that moment or he felt it was the "right" thing to say at that moment).

He told YOU that he never loved her, because THAT is what he thinks you want to hear - OR how he feels now.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (4 April 2018):

Does he mean it when he tells you he loves you? If he really did, would there be another woman to be concerned about?

He may love you, but he doesn't value your trust or honor your marriage. He didn't love you enough not to cheat on you or betray that trust. He took what was yours exclusively; and gave it to somebody else.

He's lying that he never loved her, or he wouldn't have told her so. Even if it's not true, he told her so. So neither of you can trust him.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (4 April 2018):

Fatherly Advice agony auntWhile there is no way to know, the odds are that he will say anything to get out of hot water. The truth is complicated. He loves you , but not enough to protect you. He loves her but not enough to give himself to her. He loves himself enough to risk everything to get a little fun.

It is not a kind truth. Sorry.

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