A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need to know if i am all to blame for a relationship break up. I was with someone 18 months and at the start thought he was real nice. I believe everything people say til they prove otherwise! Quite quickly he lied about hearing from his ex, saying it was someone else. After that i couldn't really trust him, he took my phone 1 night, presumably thinking i was in touch with someone else when i wasn't, threw it over the wall next day, and for months said it must of been the dog put it out there, when i definately knew it was him. He would look me in the eye and swear on his daughters life it wasn't him that took it. We split after a yr, and he came clean about the phone and a couple of other lies. I always said i felt something was going on in his life i didn't know about. But i didn't know what. Turned out i was right. But he said he loved me so much he didn't want to spoil things by telling me. (he didn't cheat, to the best of my knowledge) Plus he hated me always being right! I never wanted to be right, my instincts just always kept screaming at me! I wanted to be proved wrong and waited for it to happen, but he always let me down.I ended it with him, knowing i would never feel we are a team and couldn't trust him. He is a very slippery cagey guy, others have said it too, he seems to keep everything to himself, isn't an open person and is very arrogant. I am the oposite where i am very open to the point of probably boring peole with inane stuff! Yet he says he never fully trusted me. But i didn't do anything to prove otherwise apart from hold back from him because of the lack of trust for him. I told him i think we are just too different, and it caused a lot of rows.He says i'm the first woman thats said all that about him, i remember him saying his ex never even questioned him when he stopped out all night.He says its actually me with the problem. How did i spend 10 yrs in the past with a guy and trust him completely in that case?I know hes now dating a girl 10 yrs younger and i know he's still got some 40 odd yr old still chasing him that he used for sex, and txting him all the time, he hasn't told the young girl. Although he does say its just a bit of fun, but it doesn't look that way when they are together.I have done some work on me and am comfortable single, i have children, i also know what i want in a person now. I spent 10 yrs with a great guy, we grew apart because i was too young when i settled down, but ive spent 7 yrs dating different kinds of guys and now know the type of guy i was best suited to.He says i have too much of a 'list' and should realise if someone is going to hurt you, anyone could. I cant help thinking i will have good intuition now if someone is a good person with the same morals as me? Atleast i did think that. Now i dont know. I recently went for a drink with what i thought was a nice guy, but i am petrified of getting with anyone else now, until i know myself again.My ex has actually left me feeling pretty crap about myself. But what i really want to know is, is it really me making me feel crap about myself?I thought i had got my confidence back after we split some months ago, gave up smoking, joined a gym, but the last few weeks we have been hanging out in the same place and he's been telling me where i go wrong, now i just feel like a piece of dirt on the floor.The gyms gone out the window, the giving up smoking, and i just feel exausted.
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (15 August 2008):
 Oh sweetheart this ex bf of yours is a complete loser and he has had to get back at you in some way for ditching him.
The fact that this guy lied to you when swearing on his daughter's life shows what a low life he is.
You are not the one with the problem here and the sooner you realise that then the stronger you will become. Don't undo all the good work you did by smoking again. Get yourself into the NHS Quit programme and start over again and when you get the time again after the children are back at school start making a point of going to gym at least once or twice a week.
This guy just didn't like the fact that you were on to him and you spoke to him in a way NO other woman has done before so good on you. Your antenna's were working overtime so don't doubt yourself.
He is out to put you down and this has obviously been working. Don't stop going to same places as him as that means he has won. Start getting yourself strong again and quit the cigs as you will have men flocking around you without them and make sure you have friends around you when you go out and just show him what he let go away. YOU looking absolutely fabulous and feeling great as well.
You don't want him back as you dumped him but don't give him the satisfaction of beating you down to the point that you are laying on the ground with your self confidence in tatters.
Start to think strongly for both you and your children. You are so much better off without this guy, he is trying to recapture his youth by dating someone who is 10 years his junior and it is HIS issues that have got him to this point of having a stupid wowan chasing him and he is letting you know this, how pathetic is that. He is just trying to prove to you that other women want him, when in fact it was you who said you didn't WANT him at all.
Maybe you should think about getting some counselling or work on your own abilities to know that what he has said to you is full of crap. Don't talk to him when you are out as this is all he wants. Tell him that you are sick and tired of his pathetic attempts to put you down but you are SO glad you binned him off because he is a LIAR and once a liar always a liar so you feel sorry for the women he is with now .
You wouldn't have felt unsettled if this man had been the man you thought he was. Yes it has made you feel uneasy about anyone new but that could just be that until your confidence is back up it is unwise to try and date right now. It doesn't mean you won't trust again but your inner self knows a good man from a liar so don't doubt yourself, you were on to him and he knows that. He is the one with issues sweetheart not you.
Get busy and keep yourself that way and feeling exhausted is because you have stopped doing all that good work you had been doing with giving up smoking and going to the gym. Just get active, maybe go to a dance class if you can work around childcare and this will get you out and enjoying yourself or do it once the children go back to school, maybe one evening a week. Make time for yourself every day even if it is one hour at bedtime so you can read a book, listen to music or have a relaxing bath. Give yourself some ME time every day even if it turns out to be 15 mins as we often forget ourselves.
Believe me you will get stronger again but you are not over the hill just yet so prove this ex wrong.
Here any time for you as we all are.
BFN
Country Woman
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