A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'd appreciate some thoughts on this situation.Recently on a business holiday, I met a man in fairly unusual circumstances. We clicked instantly. There was a very strong attraction both physical and spiritual. I think it kind of shocked us both a bit. We live in different countries and he was a few years younger than me. We are both in our 30s.I really believed that I had met someone very special and When i returned home we kept in contact. He was messaging me a lot and we spoke on the phone many times. It was lovely. He said and wrote a lot of very lovely things to me which led me to believe he felt exactly the same as I did, if not more so. We were so happy to have met and felt such a strong connection. We agreed to see each other again, with me flying over to see him in a city that neither of us live in. I was very happy.Before I flew over, I had doubts. Natural doubts. I asked him if he just wanted to see me again for sex only, and not to get to know me more, and he was adamant that this was not the case and that he felt something for me other than just physical. He said he had felt more with me in two days than he had done with other women in months of being with them. He also said we should meet, be together, feel, experience each other, and then see what will happen for us. This suggested to me that he had the intention of seeing where it went at least, even if that was nowhere. As long as the intention was there. These reassurances helped me make up my mind and I went. We had the most amazing weekend together. I cannot remember another time I have felt so happy, comfortable and relaxed with a man. We had so much in common and we clicked in every way. Physically it was amazing too. I knew I had met someone so special and I had never felt happier in ages. It was so perfect and he was kind, gentle, warm, funny, attentive, affectionate, fun. I didn't get the feeling he was playing me at all whatsoever. He seemed completely genuine - with a lovely nature. I learned a lot about him. He is very busy building a career and seemed hardworking and ambitious. He told me how much he had needed this weekend with me. How much it had meant to him.I came home elated with the feeling that this was the start of something. He messaged me instantly saying how he had enjoyed the weekend so much, how incredible I was, how beautiful, how intelligent, how lucky he was to have met me. How he knew we would see each other again and that although he wanted to stay in touch he would never forget the weekend we had spent together. It was a lovely message, but the way in which he worded it slightly worried me. It was as if he was saying goodbye. It was very non committal. He continued to message me however, saying how much he missed me and that his scarf still smelled of me and that he slept with it. I really missed him and physically ached in the following days that I returned home. We spoke on the phone and discussed maybe meeting again in six weeks time. this was a mutual suggestion and He seemed very keen on this.And then his messages started tapering off a bit. He took longer to reply and his words were not always as urgent as they had been before. I didn't push it. I always replied positively and friendly but inside I was starting to think. OH DEAR. Have I got this all wrong?Doubts started to creep into my mind that perhaps he had never really had any intention at all of us becoming anything, but that he'd just wanted a lovely weekend away with a woman he both fancied and liked as a person. We continued to speak via message but I sensed a shift in his responses and tone. If I pulled back a bit, he would message me saying how much he missed me, or that he was thinking of me, or make a reference to something that we did on that weekend we were together. He said he definitely wanted to see me again but that it depended if he could get the time off work. Alarm bells began to toll.He didn't mention us meeting up again so I broached the subject because I wanted to know if we were going to take steps towards this or not. I had no idea what might happen between us (who does when you first meer?)but I needed to know if this was his intention or not, and if it wasn't I could move on. I never pushed. I was quite careful how I worded it. Eventually, after avoiding the subject for a few days He told me that he couldn't get the time off work to see me and that he was very busy and had a lot of important stuff going on in his life (no, he isn't married) - although clearly I was not part of this important stuff! He explained that it was impossible for him to take steps towards this because of this. Then he said he felt we were at different stages in our lives (I am quite successful in my career, he is building his) though frankly, how this was relevant I had no idea. He said he wanted to see me again very much and that he 'felt this would happen, I believe this' (hey, I believe I can fly!). Flecks of concern started to mar my lovely memories of our weekend together. I felt sick. Suddenly, I felt this wonderful, amazing, kind and genuine person had conned me a little bit. I was never asking him for a relationship, just a bit of clarity on whether he intended on us getting together again, and boy did I get it. I felt as if he had just winded me. Suddenly I began to question his original intentions. Had he just said all those amazing things, and continued to say them, just to ensure I would meet him again, even though he had no intention of ever taking things further? I felt so horrible it made me ill. Had he completely duped me? If I had sensed that he hadn't been into me and the weekend had not been so utterly amazing then I might've thought, fair enough, he just wasn't that into me, but this was just not the case. I was pretty upset. And confused. Not because he was basically giving me the brush off, but because I felt utterly cheated by him and wasn;t sure if he was the person I had thought he was - and certainly the one he came across as. I told him how I felt very politely, even though I was incredibly upset. Had he just used me to get what he needed? At this point he was still messaging me saying sweet things like he missed me and thought of me. I was very confused by this. If he didn;t want anything more, then what was he doing, and why? After explaining very carefully what I was thinking he replied saying how it was impossible for him to have a relationship (I wasn't exactly asking for one) and that he had no time for his own feelings. He said I was incredibly important to him (just words I assume) and that he felt we would one day see each other again. He said it had been hard for him, and that he knew it was hard for me too. He said he didn;t want to hurt me or himself by having a relationship that he couldn't commit to. It all felt a little it like excuses to me. I realised it would've been difficult; we live in different countries and there are other issues, but I know deep down that if you want somehting, you move heaven and earth to make it happen. But this was not what upset me most. I couldn;t help but feel he had led me on. That he knew, from what i had said, that I was not after a transient, meaningless weekend of sex with someone - I made that pretty clear - and that although I could not know what the future held for us, it was enough to know that he wanted to maybe explore things a little more (assuming they had gone well, which they had). I felt like he knew he never wanted to take things further with me before we met up for the weekend. He never had any intention of it, and it was this that hurt me most. I explained this and he sent me a message saying that it was not like this, that I was special to him. That he felt as if he'd made a friend for life. He continued sending me messages saying how are you beautiful baby? Thinking of you, miss you...blah blah...I was quite angry. although I never showed this as i wanted to retain a modicum of dignity. But I lost it a bit when he advised me to 'live in the moment and not to think about him too much.' !! WTF!! I told him that he shouldn't worry and that I wouldn;t be thinking about him too much as arrogance is a big turn off!He replied saying he hadn't meant it like that and that I know he's not an arrogant person and that he is still the same person I met tat weekend and got on so well with. He has since messaged me a coupe of times asking how i am etc...but I haven't replied. He says he wants us to stay in touch and be friends. Why? Is it just to keep me there in the background in case he changes his mond, or his circumstances change or does he really want to be a friend to me? I know I dodn;t treat my friends like this! I'm wondering if i'm right in my assumption that he had no intetnion of ever seeing where things might've led or if he's just played me for a fool. I have been more upset about this than I would've liked to have been. I feel very down and hurt and stupid and am not sure what to do next. I can;t work out whether he is genuine and has a point, or if he's just a player and a fake. What do you think? Either way I realise there's no future in it. But for my own peace of mind and to move on, I would like some advice. Thanks you for listening!
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ambition, different countries, move on, player Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2012): No, we met when I was going to have a sports massage for my injured ham string! Thanks for all your advice here. I still don't know what to make of it, but the pain is easing and I'm getting on with my life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2012): Something that I don’t understand is many girls going through this and everyone has heard it many times and it happens to us again and again! HAVING SEX TOO SOON. You know what hurts? That you had a physical contact with him, if you were not intimate I bit you should not be that much hurt. I read an interesting article in times magazine couple of years ago. It was about the scientific aspect of dating it says from the moment you see someone until the relationship reaches its peak how different hormones are responsible for developing the feeling in different stage of dating and stabilizing the relationship after it reaches its peak. The emphasis was on by having sex too soon how you damage the cycle and the emotions will never get there. It’s like a picking a fruit too soon without allowing it to ripen! You will pass this phase and think about this way that you learned something. I wish you good luck and sorry for bad English! Second language!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2012): You met in unusual circumstances. Were these circumstances internet/dating site related by any chance? If so, please state it because it will shed a whole different light on it.
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A
female
reader, psychic fiona  +, writes (26 October 2012):
 it seems to me that hes just a player and the thought of him having someone there for every waking call without the strings attached is perfect . He's very confused on what he wants out of life and he just wants to live for the moment how ever life takes him, so if your not in that category and you find it very hard to live that kind of life, than dont do it your the type that wants a normal relationship with some one that you know they will be there and get up and go when ever they feel like it and you also have to understand your gonna come across men like that and on your part you need to be a little more prepared and carfull, take your time dont always think that every guy is gonna be the one, and when you do come across guys like this be more on edge and dont give in and dont let your feelings get in the way, go with the flow until you see how they really are. so chauk this up as a bad exspience and move on .the rite one will come along.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (26 October 2012):
 I don't think he necessarily used you. I think he is being realistic about your options as a couple, and from his point of view he now sees that it's not very practical. But he likes you and it sounds like he wants to keep options open for the future. My personal opinion is that he's not necessarily a player and a fake, though.
I know it hurts, but it sounds like a complicated situation, and there was always the potential for it to go this way - you must have considered that before the weekend away? If one person is more in to it than the other, for example. You must have realised this was going to be tricky?
If it's too painful and hurtful then walk away. If not, leave it a while for feelings to settle down, move on with your life and decide whether you want him in your life as a friend (just friend).
Either way, when the sad feelings subside, try to remember the good stuff. You had an amazing time with this guy - don't write all that off. Have some fun memories at least.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 October 2012):
 I think there was a lot of things built against you from the start, he is a busy business man, you both live in different countries and it was only meant to be a weekend to see how things went. I honestly think you expected to much from him, giving the distance between the both off you, then you must have known that it would mean a great deal to actually get together as a couple. I don't think he is at a stage in his life where he is wanting to settle down, yet it is clear that you are. If you are looking for a long term partner then I just do not think this is the guy for you. Therefore if friendship is not enough for you then I would suggest that you block him from contacting you and move forward.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (26 October 2012):
 HI
That is almost Identical to what happened to me a couple of months ago. And even still he texts me saying how he has never felt this way about anyone but me, and how I must know deep down inside he speaks only the truth. His messages in the begining were almost like something out of a movie, he had met me at a very vunerable time of my life. However I woke up to his antics pretty soon and showed him the door. So I feel your pain/anger/embarressment of falling for his crap very well. I would change your number and put it down to experience, all he is after is a booty call ( with A DIFFERENCE) in other words he really really rates himself, he thinks your crying over him, desperate to see him again no matter what. so in turn you will fall at his feet when ever he decides he wants you again. your worth SO MUCH more than that. Never contact him again or vice verser.
Good luck hun.
Mandy x
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