A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is it a red flag if my boyfriend doesn't want to use condoms? (We use them for intercourse.)Am I likely to get a sexually transmitted infection/disease from giving fellatio if no semen is present?Background:I have only been in two committed long term relationships and those were in high school and university and so I feel quite naive and inexperienced with dating and sexual relationships now as an "adult". (I'm 24.)I never used condoms for oral sex with my previous boyfriends. (They were virgins.)About a month ago I started dating a guy from Japan who is five years older than me and the coworker of my university friend. After a few dates we became intimate.He was very gentle and proactive in stimulating me during the night, but startled me by trying to suddenly insert his penis without a condom.I told him no, we need condoms for birth control, and after he said he didn't have any condoms he asked me to give him fellatio instead. I did so, without a condom. (He said he has no diseases.)After our next date we hooked up again. On our way to his flat he stopped to buy condoms. After some kissing and heavy petting he later performed oral sex on me and I performed oral on him (without condoms). However, he startled me again by poising to insert his penis without condoms. (Why buy them if you're not going to use them?) I told him no, we need condoms, and so he asked me to fetch the box of condoms sitting in his bag. We then proceeded to have intercourse with a condom, and he was attentive to my comfort level and requests.Although the experiences were enjoyable, my close girl friend expressed alarm when I mentioned I engaged in fellatio without a condom. Now I wonder if I've been naive. He's a friendly guy and the sex was fantastic, but his sexual prowess (lots of experience with lots of partners?) and lack of interest in using condoms makes me uneasy.Unfortunately for me I am a horrible judge of character and can't read people very well at all. Any advice or comments would be appreciated.
View related questions:
co-worker, condom, engaged, kissing, oral sex, semen, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 July 2013):
 For one, if you've only been dating him for a month, you hardly know him. You say he's had a very active sexual history, right? There may be STI's that even *he* might not know he has, and if he's as careless about unprotected sex, and furthermore demanding oral sex and views getting himself off as his chief goal in intimacy, then yes, you should be nervous.
His shirking condoms is a huge red flag that points out multiple issues in a candidate for a serious long term relationship. It makes me wonder what else he might try to get away with in the pursuit of careless self-gratification. Cheating? Abandoning a pregnancy?
One other thing -- many women make this mistake:
Do not under any circumstances mistake a lover's skill at sex, including attentiveness and care to be the same as a good, loving, unselfish, honest boyfriend. Fantastic sex strokes a man's ego and can be self-serving. A womanizer has that sort of skill in his repertoire. It's what he does out of the bedroom that makes the difference.
A guy who continuously tries to shirk condoms within the first month of being together is a deal-breaker for me. Not only that, but you TOOK the guy at his word about being disease free? Sorry, but if a guy has multiple partners and many casual sexual encounters, the only "word" I'd take would be a doctor's readout of an STI test taken within the past week. Of course, I would most likely not get intimate so soon in a relationship.
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (3 July 2013):
 His penis isn't always going to be a crystal ball, if it looked fine, that doesn't mean it is, one way to avoid having to read him is to get him to a STD clinic. Not romantic, I know, but more effective than relying on someone's word you're in the early stages with. If he's casual about disease/condoms, in all likelihood he's never had a test before, so it's better that you both know. if it's 'not that kind of relationship (FWB), better just use condoms and quit the oral (unless you like oral with condoms).
...............................
|
