A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I would like to get advice on Xmas presents ie. buying for family when you live together. I live with my partner. Prior to this we lived separately. He moved from partner's into house he'd bought, and I moved in with him. I have grown-up kids. My partner has his parents and a brother at home who is 29. The question is I will struggle this year to buy gifts for my family as I've no income and have been off my work for 16 months due to an accident at the hands of my partner. Not going into details my ssp ran out and I wasn't ill enough to continue to get ESA so I really am struggling. I have some money but not a lot. My partner has been out buying expensive presents for his family which they would be looking for as when he lived there they spent loads on each other. That's fair enough but I'm being left struggling to buy for mine, ie I sent £3.50 on my mum's Xmas. He spent £3.50 on nuts and a £50 pound hamper just for his dad, not including other gifts he is putting in. Same on his mum, and expensive clothes for his brother. All my saving I put in his account to show I was contributing. I said to him, I don't think it's fair spending loads on your family when I've hardly anything to spend on mine. We are in a partnership and everyone should be treated equal. Maybe I'm wrong but I'm really upset. What is the answer here. Any replies would be appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 December 2015):
 No, you should get out and live with your family. Do not make up excuses. Call your family and inform them of the situation and ask for help for money for the fare and if you can live with them for a while.
As you did not address the violence at the time it occurred, or file a police report, I am afraid such measures would do you no good by now. But this is not a good situation, and even though you have invested a lot in it, this is not something that you should keep investing in.
Put money aside and go to your family. You are living with a violent alcoholic. You do not gain anything by staying.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2015): He injured you. You can not work because of him. Why are you even still there? You gave all your money in the world to him. His house has furniture in it you paid for. Why???? does your country have disabilty payments..you are disabled. Does your country have battered womens shelters? Why oh why are you still even with this sorry excuse for a man? Not only did he physicaly abuse you but now with the withholding money that is yours from you he is emotionally abuseing you as well. And you are o.k. with that? Sell the stuff you bought on craigslist. Buy a ticket home to your family who really loves you. He will hit you again this time you might not get up. He does not love you honey...I am so sorry. A man who loves you would not treat you this way. You deserve a kind and gentle and a genorus man not a selfish controlling one...reread your letter you are abused.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2015): Hi I can't move out my family are hundreds of miles away I can't afford to fare. Yes I did put all my money in his account up to that point every penny I got for my sick pay I put into the house. It was over two years ago he cheated, and I didn't find out till after I'd moved in with him, when I confronted him, he pushed me, I crushed my shoulder and was stuck as I couldn't move. He is genuinely sorry for what happened and nothing like that has happened again. He obviously is the only one earning now, but I put my money in his account because I wanted to feel like I was still contributingnto the house also our out goings are extremely small a month, no debts. I think all the bills come to £150 month. Id also like to add even though I am limited with what I've been able to do and more so now because I just had my shoulder fixed after 16 months of pain I do everything n the home, I cook clean iron do the gardening, he doesn't do anything in the house except DIY, everything n his house is mine. I don't buy clothes, or nothing. I should have around £1400 pounds still in his account but he thinks that is not the case, but I kept a note of everything I spent out. I'm not being mean. I have done my best to fit in here, I've no friends I don't go out, n to start with his family were pretty horrible to me n only now treat me right. I don't grudge him buying his folks presents but he doesn't live at home now n spends all his money on booze n DIY and he doesn't have the same budget that they would expect from him. My folks are really good to him, and they have bought him a fancy tablet. I don't except nothing from him I'm not like that. I don't think my two post were read properly to be fair. Of course it's his fault I'm feeling inadequate. I've lost £50.000 in earnings because of his cheating. He never admits to this day still. But moving forward things are good, n he does love me. They have treated him terrible over the last few years because they would have rather had him marry a nice catholic girl n have kids, they live round the corner n everything is negative with them, also it's only now they treat me like a human, he has forgotten how they also treated me. I don't feel I'm entitled to nothing, but I would at least like some of my money to buy presents without having to ask, I'm thinking of going back to my job just to get money but I'm not fit enough to pass the medical, I have a heavy manual job, n I'm also away for up to three weeks at a time. My family don't know what's been going on. I can't even trust him if I do go back to work either. It's a terrible predicament. I know I'll get through it though.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (7 December 2015):
 I think the underlying conflict here is that you believe that your partner's role in the accident that cost you your ability to earn money isn't being handled right by him.
You can't work because of something he did, and you feel he's not taking that into account when he does his shopping.
Honestly, this needs a professional to address.
Have you considered moving out and into one of your children's homes?
From your question, it's obvious that your idea of partnership and his idea of partnership are two entirely different equations.
Move out, work out what needs to happen to get you bqck to full health or the benefits to which you are entitled.
And now to add to my answer, after I read what appears to be your followup, that you've moved money into his account and all you spend money on are sanitary towels?
You've been injured by his actions, he's taken all your money and he cheated on you as well.
Ah, you are definitely in an abusive relationship. Get all your money out of any shared accounts.
Please go to http://www.womensaid.org.uk for help in planning the end of this dysfunctional relationship! Sorry you have experienced so much pain.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 December 2015):
I think that, when you're not married, you are not financially bound to each other the same way. For example I do not think you should contribute equally to him when it comes to bills etc, because you do not have any earnings. If you were on your own, would you have been living up to the same standards as you are now? If not, then standards should be lowered to the point where you'd be able to afford it, or he should pay the cost of living at a higher standard.
When it comes to Christmas gifts though, if your families will be celebrating TOGETHER and everyone will see each others gifts, then the gifts should be somewhat equal, I agree. But that is only if you give joint gifts (where the tag will say it's from you both) and he only wants to spend much on his own family. If he gives expensive gifts, and he gifts your family in his own name as well, then there is no problem. Also, if your families spend the holidays separately, then there will be no comparing gifts, you will be the only one to know.
Also, your children are adults. They can handle not getting expensive things for Christmas as they have their own means now.
So, bottom line, you should not have to match what he spends, nor should he lower the cost of what he spends. If he can afford it, and no one will know any different, then it's ok.
If you were married I would see it as a different thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2015): Well he is paying the bills etc he does owe anyone so all his earning are his. Just to say yes I did put three thousand pounds n his bank. Out of that I bought us a new sofa n bed. The rest was simply lying in his account which he feels I've spent my living here. All my ssp when I got it went on food for house also. I've not had any other income. I'm not entitled to anything because I'm still employed and make more money than him when I was working. I should roughly have had £1400 pounds left in his account as I've not had any money n my hand since July. But hr seemed to feel I don't have anything left which is not true. I don't go out and don't buy things except sanitory towels, I don't feel i should ask for anything. Also it was him that caused my injury and it took 18 to get op to fix it because i found out after id moved n with him n gave up my life hr had cheated on me while i was working away n the conciquence is i cant get back to my job yet. He knows fine i will struggle at Xmas and i got £2 spent on me last year when i bought gifts for them. I'm not being ungrateful but we are meant to be a partnership n i thought my family should be important too. My family spoil him at Xmas too and while he lived me with me for 6 months prior to moving into his house i paid everything rent food elc gas days outs n never asked for nothing.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 December 2015):
 I don't think it's unfair. He has more income and he will use X £ to buy presents for his family, you have less income and you will use Y income to buy presents for your family.
It would only be unfair if his Xmas shopping resulted in YOU not having enough to eat, or a roof on your head, or going around with your clothes in tatters and holes in your shoes,- but as long as he is taking care , totally or in part, of your basic needs ,and helping you ( I suppose, since you say you have no income ) to support you and get things you cannot get for yourself, then let him spend his disposable income as he prefers on the persons he feels closest to. A partnership does not mean authomatically adopting your partner's family for any wants and needs , and Xmas presents are wants, not needs; and he does not owe you to deprive his folks of a tradition or a pleasure just because unluckily at this moment you cannot match his spending. "Everybody must be equal ? " " Everybody must have the same ?" I don't see why, particularly being something that does not involve or affect health, food and shelter. It's a bit as if, say, his mom has got an expensive mascara or lipstick, and your mom does not, so your mom " MUST" get the same ... and since you aren't able to buy make up for her, then your boyfriend should ?!
As a matter of fact, if you are struggling this year, I don't see a good reason to spend on presents at all. Those are all people, hopefully and supposedly, yours and theirs, who know you and love you, so why not feeling free to say, honestly ; sorry, this year I can only give you my fondest warmest Xmas wishes. And, as for that, frankly I do not understand why, if you are unemployed and without a lot of cash, you went and put all your savings into your in-laws presents !, when a symbolic, token chipping in would have been totally adequate, seeing the circumstances, and enough to offer the gift as a gift " from us ".
I agree with Honeypie that if you really feel you need to do something more for your mom, you can always ask him to lend you some money, or just to GIVE it to you as a special extra gift : I think most partners would not have a problem with that. But DEMANDING it as if it is owed to you, no, I can't see that going down too well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2015): Hi!Don't sweat yourself about not being able to afford expensive gifts for your loved ones. It's not about the money. It's about the thought. If you give what little money you have to give them presents, it's worth more than a lot of stuff from a rich person. The percentage you sacrifice matters, not the amount you sacrifice.Do not upset your partner because you want money for presents. If you had separate accounts before the holidays, you can't expect them to suddenly be joined temporarily. If this problem seriously bothers you, consider with your partner to take out a joint account- that way the money belongs to both of you.If you are worried about where you will get good enough presents for the family, I'd advise you to make presents yourself. I've even included a few ideas and recipes for luxury stuff that can be made at home at a fraction of the store price. Here they are:For the ladies:Make an individual luxury bath kit for each of them, in their favorite colour or scent, using the following recipes: -Bath saltsCombine equal parts coarse salt and epsom salts, with a spoon or more of bicarbonate of soda to add some fizz. Set aside for a day or two and it will harden. Scratch it out and you will find thst the individusl pieces are bigger. Put in a plastic bag and add almond oil, an essential oil and food colouring, a few drops of each. Hold the bag closed with one hand and use the other to massage in the oils from the outside. Keep adding oils and colour until the desired effect is reached. Scoop into a jar, tie a ribbon around, optionally with a cheap spoon, wrap it up and call it a gift. One tablespoon per bath. -Bath bombsSieve together 1 cup baking soda, half a cup citric acid (grocery stores), half a cup corn starch to achieve a smooth blend.In a separate jar, combine 2 and a half teaspoons sunflower oil, 3/4 teaspoon water, a few drops essential oil and the colouring. Cover jar tightly and shake like crazy! Slowly drizzle onto dry ingredients and blend by hand. Slow down if it fizzes too much! When it is mixed through, squish some of it in your hand. It clumps? It's ready. It crumbles? Make another set of the wet ingredients and add until there is enough. Mold the mixture into balls and set aside to dry. They will fizzle and swell, but don't stress! Within an hour they will be rock-hard!Store in an airtight jar. Gift in a jar, basket or ornamental bag. -Bubble bathCombine 1 cup pure baby shampoo or 1 cup skin-safe dishwashing liquid, with 1 cup water. The rest are optional: 1 tablespoon glycerin, some essential oil, colouring, almond oil... Lightly stir so it doesn't fizz, and pur into a bottle.Combining similar colours and scents, you could make a couple of really nice bath sets.For the men:Men are tricky. More often than not, it is easier to just give them food.For a grumpy family member, supply a bad day emergency box. Use an old cardboard box and cut off the top side. Paint black. Go to a florist and buy a sheet of the green foam they use to support flowers. Fit this into the open side. Look for things they would need on a bad day, like a strong liquor, some headache pills, a mean pocket-size jokebook, peanut butter bars, etc.With a sharp knife, mark out and cut out of the foam beds for the stuff to lie in. Attach a sheet of glass or an old photo frame with a glass piece to the cardboard. Paint in red "in case of bad day, break glass" on the glass. Attach a hook so they can hang it on the wall.Other men appreciate a good joke over an expensive watch. Opt for a "pass the parcel" present, where you put a box in another box, then another, making the present get smaller and smaller as you unwrap it. Put something very sentimental in the smallest, innermost box.Stick to inside jokes and memories. Men will keep these, wheras you might find last year's Rolex lost in a drawer.With some imagination, you can still make this the best holiday ever.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 December 2015):
 Well I do think it makes sense to share your saving with him, as he is providing roof over your head, food and the utilities - however... ALL of your savings? And is the money HE is spending coming from that? (your savings) or from HIS income?
I think it's something you two should talk about, however.... IF the money he is spending is from HIS income, then I think that is up to him how much he spends on presents.
I don't know how tight the budget is for you two - but he IS your BF and he IS providing for you 100%. So do you expect for him to NOT spend money on his family because you can't?
I think it kind of makes sense that people CAN'T spend a lot if they have no income.
Or simply talk to him about a limit that will not make you feel left out. Christmas is not really about HOW expensive a gift you can give, you know that right?
Or simply ask him to help you out, with a little amount so YOU can buy your mom something. He may not even have paid attention to your predicament. So talk to him.
Seems like you blame your partner not only for not being able to work, but for him buying things for his family. So does that make you feel entitled to what exactly?
I'm not sure what exactly it is you want your BF to do.
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