A
male
age
,
*alf
writes:I feel pretty desperate and in so much uncertainty. I left my wife 6 months ago. We've been married for nearly 22 years. For many of those years we didn't have a good sexual relationship. For the past 10 years we didn't have sex very often at all, and hadn't had sex at all for nearly 3 years when I left. However we did, and do, get on very well together, and I always felt at peace with her.I first thought of sleeping with someone else after I'd been married for a year or two. I didn't though, I was too afraid. I first had an affair after I had been married about 6 or 7 years. It was very passionate. Then after I'd been married for 19 years I had another very passionate affair. That ended and I started seeing another woman who I had known for several years. I had been having an affair with her for 6 months before I left. I left because I wanted to be with her. I'm still with her now, although my wife doesn't know about it. We have a very good sexual relationship. Sometimes though I feel unsafe with her, and I never feel the same level of peace with her. I know she loves me very much. I love her too. My wife wants me back. My new partner wants me to commit, even get married. Part of me wants to go back for the safety, and love I had with my wife. I still have this sense of peace with her. No-one knows me like she does. She is like a sister I suppose. She wants a physical relatonship with me, but I can't feel that at the moment. Is it possible this could change? We never really worked at our physical relationship properly. She wanted to but I resisted. I realise now that sex can make me feel unsafe, and I wanted my marraige to be safe. But my need for sexual love is very strong, and obviously it came out anyway. My wife has tried to kiss me recently, but I still couldn't feel anything. Could I change this?I'm so scared that I'll lose soemthing precious whichever way I turn, whatever I choose.I tried praying the other day, and thought I needed to finish with my current partner and go back to my wife. So I finished the relationship, but my partner was so devastated, and the depth of her love for me so powerful that I now wonder if I've done the right thing. She still wants me. I told her I didn't feel at home or at peace with her and she says that we can work on that. If anyone can advise me I'd be very grateful. I have very big fears about relationships. The sexual relatioinship I have with my partner is wonderful, the homeliness I have with my wife is too. How can I move forward?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009): Ralf, i am going to be very candid/blase/direct with my words. What you fail to realise is this: married women also like to f*ck. Yes. Surprised. Your wife also would like to have SEX. Yes it is not a dirty word. You want to keep your wife pure but want to f*ck around therefore you have been having affairs throughout your marriage. "The answer is that I would be with my wife if I hadn't met my new partner". you have said it, and acknowledged it now put these words into actions if you can.For a long time now you have been f*cking up, big time time to stop this emotional roller-coaster you have created but remember this - if you go back to your wife, your affairs have to stop. and yes, start f*cking her. married women like to screw, they just don't want to be screwed over! think about this. and please do not just use your wife. she is your safe heaven and if you f*ck up again, she will not be there to protect you from yourself again. your desire to only want to f*ck other women must stop you want a clean, untainted wife but know this: desiring your wife is not a sin, having sex and intimacy is not a crime. so you need to work on your belief system. its ok to have the dirty pleasurable sex with your wife.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (8 July 2009):
 I think you need to figure out WHY you keep cheating ( or why you kept cheating on your wife) - and no, you can't put it on her. Cheating is a choice - YOUR choice. If you felt like you needed something you wife didn't provide then you should have expressed your needs to her. ( and I don't just need verbally)
You will not have a successful loving and peaceful relationship if you keep going out of the relationship for whatever reason.
Does your wife know about the affairs? And she still wants you back? If so, she must love you loads.
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A
male
reader, Ralf +, writes (8 July 2009):
Ralf is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for these replies. Oldersister, you say
"If it weren't for this new woman, would you still be with your wife? If that answer is "yes", then go back and repair your relationship and not see this other woman. Go to counseling for 6mths and reassess whether it can work.
You can't keep running into the arms of women to make life choices for yourself. You'll keep repeating affairs and never really know what you want in life and not have much to offer another person."
The answer is that I would be with my wife if I hadn't met my new partner. And yes you're right that I have been allowing others to make the choices for me. It's also true that my "problem is [I] don't want to be alone". I'm terrified of that.
Klara, your thoughts on the importance of peace are very helpful, thank you for that. And so too what you say about sex. When you say that "it just seems that you two share comfort that many would strive for and that the love is there not out of loneliness but out of comfort and mutual partnership", you are right.
Quarky, you say things I have thought myself. I don't feel good about myself, and I understand why you say what you do.
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A
male
reader, quarky +, writes (8 July 2009):
 For once I don't feel any sympathy for you at all-only for your wife who you continue to cheat on and the woman who has fallen for you.
'Having your cake and eating it' is the phrase that comes to mind.
If you can keep it going, what the Hell, you don't seem capable of committing to anyone anyway. can you honestly are yourself changing now?
Shame the women in your life can't see that.
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