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I'm married, she's married, we're both unhappy and have an affair, should we keep it going?

Tagged as: Cheating, Faded love, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 July 2009) 13 Answers - (Newest, 13 July 2009)
A male United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi I'm a 36 y.o man unhappily married with two beautiful girls ages 10 and 6. My lover, whom I met 9 months ago is also married she's 33 and has a teenage boy. My marriage has been on the rocks since about 3 years ago. thanks to my wife's me first attitude. The woman I'm seeing is also unhappily to her much older, unactractive, abusive and alcoholic husband. of course none of them know about our affair, but we're falling in love with one another. My biggest fear is having to break up our family. I want to always be there for my girls when they need me and that's the main reason why I haven't left . But I'm in love with the woman I've been seeing..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2009):

just back from a small break with the family therefore my delayed response, sorry to hijack this post but feel that i need to respond to the following:

"A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009):

It seems that the "anonymous" below was probably a victim of an affair because she is very narrow minded."

what do you not agree with? "victim of an affair........narrow minded", whatever makes you think this? please enlighten my confused mind. what part of my post do you not agree with? just because i do not condone the posters affair, what actually from my post that does not sit well with you? please do enlighten me.

Thank you

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2009):

Not sure I can say anything someone else hasn't already. I am a wife and together my husband and I messed up. We put our child 1st and forgot we needed one another as lover's more than once in a blue moon. We have since started doing date night and talking, but not before I think he has had an emotional affair... Which he swears is not true, but I do not know what to believe... People are good at getting you to believe they need you you are so much better than that spouse that treats you so badly...But what people do not realize is that they 1st do not care 2nd they do not have the daily trouble your "husband/wife" relationship has!!! You will have taken the innocent trust of you spouse and demolished it along with their spirit, ego, and self esteem. You loved this woman enough to marry her!! Stick to your vows!! What makes you think if you do get this woman that you too will not be the unattractive abusive husband that she is telling you about? I agree you do not stay with your wife for the children, but you should be using your free time that you spend with your lover not neglecting your "family" I think I might have a me attitude too....

Good luck and I hope you break it off, come clean and go from there with the woman that you married and loved and have pushed to a back burner....

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A female reader, wee_neko United States +, writes (9 July 2009):

You shouldn't leave your marriage for another woman. If you genuinely feel you could never possibly fix things between you and your wife, you should leave it though. Have you tried fixing things? How do you think your daughters would feel knowing their dad left their mom for another woman? I'm sure we're hearing a biased story (since most are) and that there's more to your problems than just that. Maybe your wife can tell you're just not interested in her anymore and haven't been in awhile, and as a result is punishing you?

If you didn't have children in the equation, the answer might be different, but you have more than yourself to think of. Decide whether your family is more important than your lover.

Also, you might want to tell your girlfriend to call the cops if her hubby's abusive. Having her come crying to you isn't fixing the problem, it's just sharing her problem. If you love her, be proactive.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009):

It seems that the "anonymous" below was probably a victim of an affair because she is very narrow minded. As for your situation it seems there are many elements involved in this situation. You are probably a good man who found a young woman who was very unhappy in her current family life. I don't know that you are the answer she needs. Yes, it is nice to feel like the "rescuer" but what happens when she no longer needs to be rescued? Your personality may be one that falls prey to those in need. You are a rescuer. I know it makes you feel good to be wanted and needed, but your children need you. Try to focus your attention on them. Your lover will need to find her way to happiness without you. She needs to decide on her own about her own marriage because if she leaves it should have nothing to do with you. Right now you are both preventing each other from working anything out in your families.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009):

wow, I never thought about this damsel in distress thing. thanks askoldersister. Yes, a definite recipe for disaster. Our poster will only realise this later on, in your pursuit of happiness, you are destroying your current life. Your kids will survive- they will just not respect you but hey when affairs are conducted, the innocent kids are used to justify staying it seems as though you are the weak one in your marriage and your wife is the stronger one, if this is the case, then she is not going to miss the spineless man in her life. You may actually do her and the kids a favour by moving on. a woman wants a strong man in her life, not a weakling who blames her for everything going on in their lives.

Stop blaming. You and your lover have blamed your spouses just so that you both can justify your affair. Well, continue to believe this and deny any moral backbone. if you two are so unhappy and your spouses are such evil people, why are you both still staying again?

"unhappily to her much older, unattractive, abusive and alcoholic husband" who told you this, your lover? Maybe she is just a tad bit biased, after all she needs an excuse doesn't she, just like you what do you do? swap notes in bed about your evil spouses? Catch a reality wake up. Just leave and stop messing with your wifes life, stop stealing her life, her resources, she deserves better than an adulterer who doesn't have the balls to admit his wrongdoing.

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A male reader, quarky United Kingdom +, writes (8 July 2009):

quarky agony auntJust one thing too add really-if you do decide to leave your wife, is there a cast iron guarantee you'll end up with your lover? and would you still leave your wife if there was no lover?

Maybe not, then you'll be left with no-one. Think you just need to know that it is a possibility, and that you'd need to be comfortable with that possibility.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009):

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I've got plenty of it so please listen to me.

You're not doing the girls any favours by staying married for their sake if you don't really want to be. If your marriage is in the 'unfixable' category there's absolutely no point in continuing with it. It will only make everyone miserable, especially the girls. So do the decent think and start arranging divorce proceedings so that your wife can get on with the rest of her life. It's far better to end a marriage on grounds of unhappiness than adultery, but adultery will be the cause of your divorce if you continue down this road and believe me, the shit will hit the fan big time when that happens. Your kids will resent you which I guess will cause you the most anguish.

If you're unhappy, get out of it. If it's fixable, do your best to fix it. If you can't do that an affair will eventually blow up in your face. Far better for you and this other woman to start seeing each other as single people rather than having to sneak stolen moments with each other.

Try to look into the future and visualise the outcome of your affair when it gets discovered - and it will - by one or other of your respective spouses. How will the girls look upon you when that happens?

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A male reader, holikdad United States +, writes (8 July 2009):

Cheating on your spouse is never an option even in a bad marriage. What you and the other woman have done is turn yourselves into cheating, sneaking, and cowardly people. Is that the type of person that you want to be known for? Because believe me someone will catch you or her and both of you will be outed for what you are doing.

Marriages go bad, I know that and so does everyone else. What you should have done is leave your wife and file for divorce then you can date and fall in love with whomever you wish. But taking the route you did has put you in a very bad position that you now have to work your way out of.

Be honest and forthcoming with your wife then move out and file for divorce. Even with your wives me first attitude she deserves to know the truth. The woman you are seeing needs to do the same exact thing.

Once you've done this then you're free to start a relationship with the other woman. But remember everyone has their hang ups and baggage as well as personality problems and starting an out in the open relationship with the other woman will bring those to light, and once that happens people often find that they're worse than the person that they were already with.

Either way you both need to tell your spouses to give them the opportunity to kick you both out which is pretty much what you both deserve.

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A female reader, Honeygirl South Africa +, writes (8 July 2009):

Honeygirl agony auntSweetie, stop blaming your wife for the break-down of your marriage. If you really were committed to her you would have suggested marriage counselling and worked forward from there.

As far as your girlfriend is concerned, if she is so unhappy with her abusive husband, why is she still with him??

Staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of the kids is not often a good idea, so you need to re-think this.

You need to make the decision : divorce or repair the marriage, and yes, it can be repaired - marriage counselling as well as getting rid of the 'third party' in the marriage, ie., the girlfriend.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 July 2009):

Honeypie agony auntWhat is sad about this whole mess, is that both YOU and your married lover blame your spouses for YOUR actions, not fair.

If you aren't happy with your wife, then you should spend time either figuring out how to fix it or separate, not go out and screw around. It solves nothing. It only makes more complications.

Staying in a marriage for the kids in rarely a good option for the parent (who doesn't want to be there) nor for the kids - because we ALL know that sooner or later everyone will find out what's going on. Also having your daughters watch their mom and dad resenting each other and daddy loving someone else will have consequences on how they view you, relationships and guys.

Stop with the blaming game. Own up to your own action, then take the time to figure out what and how to go about life.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009):

By staying in the first relationship you are hurting the people around you. If you think you have fallen in love with this girl then you stay break up with your wife because even though she has an attitude, no one deserve to be cheated on. Your wife and children will be more hurt if they find out that you had an affair, it’s better to end things on good terms.

However find out how the other woman feels about you. Is she in love with you or are you just a past time?

However do not stay in an empty shell marriage, it wouldn’t bring you happiness, or don’t stay in the marriage for the "the kids"

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009):

It is so convenient to blame your wife and your lovers husband, isn't it. I am assuming both you and your married lover are perfect and that you both have not contributed to the downfall of your respective marriages. Well, in that case MR. and Mrs Perfect, stop making excuses and get a divorce. wonder who you both would blame when this affair gets sour, and it will.

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A female reader, possum Australia +, writes (8 July 2009):

I think you need to be honest with yourself...if you are unhappy with your wife why do you stay?

I don't buy all this staying for the children. They know at their ages that all is not good at home, their world will be a very different place when (and it is only a matter of when) your wife finds out about your affair. As not only will there be horrendous fall out, but she will do all she can to turn them against you.

Take some time apart from your other woman, deal with your issues (you and your lover) and them meet up after you have tidied up your lives.

If it is meant to be you will both wait for each other and can start anew without causing pain to anyone. No one need even know that you started seeing other while still involved with your current partners, if you are careful about it.

Good Luck!

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