A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Help!The following is one part confession, one part cry for help. I need all the replys I can get. 5 yrs ago my boyfriend of 6 yrs,we'll call him NM, and I broke up. I was so upset because he left me in a really cruel way by staying out all night and then upon his return, we lived together at the time, announced he was at another woman's house.I packed up my things the next day and left everything moving 400 miles away.We kept in contact over the phone, untill one day after a fight, he told me that he was moving and changing his number and refused to give me his new information.This was my 1st real relationship and I was really messed up over it. After five months of not living together and a month of no contact with NM my friends took me out one night just for fun. Always a flirt, I was feeling good about myself and I met this other man, WD. This man was everything NM was not and even had a connection to people I had grown up with who vouched he was a good guy.So we started dating.I began dating several people around that time, trying not to get into anything too serious. At first WD reminded me of NM in a big way, as they were like polar opposites of a similar man, but soon I fell hard for WD on his own merits. WD was kind caring and karismatic where NM had been distant and stand-offish. All my friends and family met WD and thought he was more my style and I agreed. I met his friends and family too and we all got along everything seemed great. WD and I had chosen to be totally honest with each other so I told him about my tough past with NM. He too told me about the relationships in his past, he seemed to have many, mostly serious.He even told me about the ones where he messed up and cheated or did something to end the relationship. He had grown up since then,I thought, and everything pointed to us having a serious future. One big red flag did pop up in a recent past relationship where he admitted he was still dating a girl that wanted him to settle down. He said he didn't want to because she was too religious and he couldn't see them agreeing on future life choices. I,just being out of a long relationship, felt him dating other people was normal, and wanted the option of doing the same, but thought that this union seemed distructive to the girl and asked him if he was being honest with her. He said he was and shrugged his shoulders but I could tell it wasn't the whole truth. At the time WD and I were living in different towns about 2 hours away from each other. We still spend 2 or 3 weekends a month together. Then one month I couldn't get him to hang out.There was always an excuse. He even made plans with me once and then never called to confirm. I knew something was up and asked him if he was dating someone seriously. He said no that it was just life and work. One day a woman called me on my cell she explained that she had been dating WD for a month and things were getting serious. They were even going to live together. She wanted to know who I was. I confronted WD and he said that as we were never exclusive he didn't think this was an issue. He made it sound like this woman was overreacting and assured me that he wanted to continue our interaction. As we were in different towns I understood his motive, I was dating others too. So I forgave him for this but deep down I was really hurt. The next week NM started calling. The thing with WD had me pretty shaken so I started talking to NM to make me feel better. We started getting along like we used to and I even went to visit him in our old town.He really worked on building back my trust and told me he really messed up and wanted a second chance.I loved him very deeply.By this time, I was also in love with WD, that can't get you head out of the clouds kind, but I still had feelings for NM. So I started dating them both. A few months went by and I was begining to see that WD may never get serious despite his saying that he really cared for me. He got sick and was hospitalized. I went to his bedside.He later said that's when he started to have real feelings for me but by then I felt like I couldn't really trust him because he never told me about the girl, despite his declaration to be totally honest.So I continued to date NM and pulled away from WD.Even though I felt like I was deeply in love with them both. NM had a really bad situation and had to leave his house because of a job loss. I knew he only had one option to move across country which ment I might lose him. So when he asked to move in with me, same coast but 4 hrs closer, to see if we could work things out I reluctantly said yes. Every day I would lie in bed and wonder if I made the right choice. I made excuses to WD fearing if I told him the truth he wouldn't understand that his inability to commit had led me to moving back in with my ex.I knew it was wrong and the same thing he had done to me. Finally he asked me point blank what was going on and I told him NM had moved in. WD was pissed. It didn't seem to matter anymore that he had avoided commitment and had so many girlfriends. All that mattered was that I was living with someone and he was betrayed. I felt upset that he couldn't see that I loved him but couldn't be hurt again by his inability to settle down. During this time WDs sister died. I wanted to run to him and told NM what was going on but I couldn't because WD kept telling me his house was full of relatives so there was no place for me to stay. I knew had made the wrong choice moving back in with NM.And when WD asked me to come for the funeral I broke up with NM and left. When I got there WD told me to meet up with one of his friends and ride with her. Another girl showed up at the house too and all three of us went to the funeral together. When we got there I realized that WD was up front leaning on the girl he had originally called too religious and that the other girl I was traveling with,minus his friend, had been sleeping in his bed for the past week.I tried to be cool under the circumstances and was just supportive at the funeral but I finally lost it, to his friend at her house after the other girl left. His friend informed me that she really liked me but that WD would never be a one woman man. I was so upset I cried all the way home part for his sister, part for the humiliation of the funeral, and part because I knew NM loved me and I broke up with him to see WD where I found out I was just one of many. I cut off seeing WD and focused on working things out with NM. I was working on going back to school so that took up a lot of time. Things between NM and I kept getting worse and worse and if that weren't enough WD kept calling me. NM finally fed up had an affair with a friend of his.I couldn't say much as I was torn too but I knew this was distructive. I wanted to let WD go but my feelings were so strong, I just couldn't. After a year I transferred to school in the same town where WD lived. I knew things with NM had to stop so I didn't let him come with. When I got there I was so happy I felt like finally WD and I had a chance and we could see once and for all if it could work out.But it was awful. He was always busy and it seemed like his sisters death had changed him. He had trust issues with me and seemed to forget his own behavior. I tried to connect with him and tell him he was my only friend in this big town but he would barely make an effort to see me.I could understand all this except he kept telling me he wanted to and that it was only life that was in the way and not our past. I was so lonely and upset. NM started visiting and I fell into the old pattern. He began staying over and then eventually found a way to convince me to let him move back in. He seemed to be honest in his love for me but it had taken on a more controlling tone.He was convinced I was always over at WDs and on a few occasions he was right.WD had finally come around and began inviting me to everything. He swore he wasn't seeing anyone but at that time I was really busy not to mention NM was living with me. I was cheating. And I couldn't seem to stop. I was so mad at them both that I became a ping pong ball bouncing from one to the other. It was emotionally confusing and awful. This whole thing,from the time I met WD to today, has been going on for five years. Each day I spend with NM I wish it was with WD and when I hang with WD I have to remember I am just one of many and miss NM. I began lashing out at WD because he constantly lies to me even as a friend and now he is so frustrated he wants nothing to do with me.The problem is he borrowed $4500 from me in December, something I offered, and has only paid me back $1500. He is now making excuses for paying me because he thinks I want to work out our relationship. I know only a miracle and a time machine will do that but I can't live without the $3000.We all messed one another up and I know we have to get out of this toxic mess but now its not just about a love triangle its also about money. Help! What should I do? I know the obvious answer but I need to hear it from everyone else. Should I just walk away from the debt WD owes me even if I can't afford it and forget him even if I am still in love? Break up with NM even if he's now hopeful we can tough it out and make things better and I know it will hurt him more? I have really made a mess of things and I just need to get things straight. Please talk some since into me and help me figure out how I untangle this birds nest.
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affair, broke up, debt, flirt, money, moved in, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Aeval  +, writes (24 April 2008):
 Hello.
Get a fresh start, cut away all the dead wood, You will manage without the money. Don't use it as an excuse to let yourself contact this man.
it sounds to me that you have changed your life many times for these men for very little in return.
I say focus on yourself and what you want. it will take time to get over the hurt but I am sure you can do it!
Best of luck
A
male
reader, Andrew83  +, writes (24 April 2008):
 Here's a very short answer...
Get away from them both now or you'll never get away and have a normal life.. Leave the money WD owe's you, may never see the rest of it. I dont know about you but i prefer a simple life, 1 gf and not 2 or more..
Just get away, far away if need be, never contact them both again ever and if you decide to date again, stick with just 1 guy at a time.
Your body clock is tickin away aswell so try to meet someone with brains please and maybe start a family of your own while you can.
Ok, thats abit more than it should have been but it is good advice and to the point of things. best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Aeval +, writes (24 April 2008):
oooh dear, that is one complicated situation!! Your right you know what to do. Leave them both and start a new life for yourself, one where you can focus on you. It seems to me you have done nothing but put yourself second and change your life for these men.
You will manage without the money.... It seems hard at the time but you will work it out.
Get a fresh start and don't beat yourself up or look back!Above all don't change your life for someone who is not worth it or won't do the same.
It will be hard but be strong, you will manage and once all the drama is out of your life you will feel tons better!
Good luck
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A
female
reader, bfly36 +, writes (24 April 2008):
 this question is very long what i suggest is that u look at ur life and worry about u for a change, men can take care of themselves and if u let them they will take control of ur life, then they move on and women get stuck with there debt and so on. You have not made the mess however u have allowed others to guide ur life and take control of it, take control back, do what ur gut says. Dont be afraid of what will happen to the man they move on and marry but we have to be strong and take care of ourselves FIRST. If u had a good man in ur life he would be handling this drama and helping u thru lifes ups and downs. I suggest a book called Co dependent no more, good luck and think of UUUUU UUUU UUUU first.
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A
female
reader, madwomannot +, writes (24 April 2008):
 Let it all go. now. this is a bad situation for you all. You can request your money back through the trust/relationship you have developed over the 5 year period- but don't use it as an excuse to stay involved with either of them. It's time to spend some time on your own- form healthy friendships that don't ask anything of you but your company, like minded interest and smile. If You like see people you know you won't get hooked up on - but be BRUTAL honest and let them know you won't be around with the tissues when you leave them- i.e only see people who are good to you, support your needs and you don't feel needy with. Look after your own needs and be strong - when someone meets the right special someone double dating or triangles fall away- are not wanted or hankered after. Love and best wishes Madwoman not (42 years old)x good luck
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