A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 27 and have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. We have recently been talking about moving in together, but it has started causing problems between us because we have such different ideas about what it will be like. At the moment we have fairly separate social lives which is fine, but I thought when it came time to move in together we would get to a more 'couply' place since we would be more committed. He doesn't seem to agree. I asked him to come furniture shopping with me last Sunday to get an idea of how much things cost so we know what we will need money wise, and he said no because he goes to the pub on a Sunday with his friends. He said shopping is boring and that he doesn't really care about furniture so I can do all of that stuff myself. I love him a lot but this has really made me doubt whether we are in the same place. I know it wasn't the most exciting way to spend a Sunday but I was actually looking forward to us picking stuff together to go in our own home and I'm sad he just wants to sit and drink while I sort it all out myself. Is this normal? I can't shake the thought that if I move in with him, 20 years down the line I'll be stuck doing all of the 'boring' stuff on my own while he sits in a beer garden. Am I asking too much to want a real partnership? Most of my friends appear to have that but I know appearances can be deceiving.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 May 2013):
It seems to me that you guys have not worked out all the details about moving in together.
“I THOUGHT we would get to a more ‘couply’ place since we would be more committed.”
An address does not make you more committed. If you THOUGHT it, but had not discussed it with him and said “come furniture shopping with me tomorrow” without prior discussion and he already had plans, then he was right.
IF you have not discussed these things with him, now is the time to do so. If you want him to be more involved with the home, then you must tell him so now. IF he does not wish to be, then it’s your call as to whether or not you wish to remain with him. But if he’s not interested now, then in 20 years it will be even worse.
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (16 May 2013):
 I think that you should rather put off living together. I would have thought that moving in together would have been a big exciting step, choosing stuff together to make a life together. Clearly you bf is not interested and it sounds like you are more invested in the relationship that he is.His mates and beer drinking more important than setting up house with his partner... personally I would rather not put myself in that position, because it does sound like you and your interests are very far down the list of important things to him. You will probably find after moving in with him that you will be left at home a lot while he goes out, then he has the perfect life, you at home to cook and clean and he can have fun with his mates......Rather keep your independence and give the relationship a bit more time before committing to moving in together.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): He probably has panicked.
I guess you were too excited about moving in and started to plan ahead. Right?
If that is the case, let me tell you a secret:
A man needs to feel that he is in control of his life. If you try to plan for his life, he will freak out and run away.
Just don't try to make decisions for him. An intelligent girl knows how to put her plans in her man's mind, without him feeling it ;)
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (15 May 2013):
 There’s a time and place to have a drink with your mates… But he’s more excited about his Sunday sessions with his friends in the Beer Garden than looking at furniture with you. Like how often does shopping come up – rarely? So where’s the strain on his back? It’s not about furniture, excitement or being boring; it’s about making decisions together? THAT’S NORMAL! Else you may as well be single?
After all how often does one move in with a girlfriend – once hopefully? How many decisions are there to be had as a couple – numerous? How long do you see yourself stuck – 20 years?
Your question also made me shudder as he doesn’t seem to agree that by the two of you moving in together that it should constitute you/him acting like a couple… So where’s the commitment?
I wager because he doesn’t care for furniture that you’d be the one paying for it all whilst he keeps his hands in his pockets and only pulling money out for beer and his mates!?
P.S. Who prompted the idea of moving in together?
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013): In my experience, a lot of the buying decisions regarding furniture, etc are basically done by the woman of the partnership. Many men find shopping a chore. Some men will tag along, some would rather not bother. I do agree it's nice to think you could do it together and maybe point out that you need his input. But I wouldn't let it be a deal breaker if you get on really well in every other aspect.
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A
female
reader, misLadYd.. +, writes (15 May 2013):
 have you ever sat down.. And thought long and hard about this moving in together thing?? I mean its a big deal. a really big commitment.and if he doesnt show any interest in taking part in things you should be doing together then wtf is a relationship about if its not about sharing and doing things together.he aint serious man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013): I suggest that living together right now, is NOT a good idea. He's not ready for that yet. He probably will be, but not now. Women usually get to that place of settling down well before men do because of maturity levels and such. And there are plenty of men out there that don't care about furniture, curtains and appliances...they just don't.
Where are you both living now? Do you both have your own places?
Do you have a good relationship otherwise? Are you both committed to each other? If so, then take this step slowly. You need to talk, talk and talk some more. How do the two of you handle finances, saving money and debt? How would the two of you handle joint bills and separate bills? Who buys the groceries? Who handles repairs/maintenence costs, etc? How will household chores be divided? Who's the cook? Who cleans? You have a lot to work out. Talk about what your goals are in say, five years. Does he see himself being married? Ever having a family? Careers goals? I think the two of you have a lot more to learn about each other before you start playing house. Your relationship does not have to be doomed because of this. You just have some timing issues right now. If this guy tells you he sees himself living on his own, partying it up with his buddies and have you around too five years from now... well...okay, this guy is not the one for you. See how it goes, but DON'T move in together yet.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (15 May 2013):
 HI
I think if your looking for a settled long term fullfilling relationship then his not the one for you. His clearly not read or likely to be any time soon hun. I think maybe you have both grown apart and want different things. If your happy the way things are now may I suggest leaving it that way, don't move in together. However I get the feeling his wanting a more of a single bachelor life to be honest. Living together is too much of a commitment for him which is why his not bothered about it. Take time out to see if you really think his worth carrying on the relationship with.
Mandy x
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