| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: HELP! My decision to end a relationship depends largely on your advice.What would you do if you found out your boyfriend went to a medical appointment in the city and then visited a hotel before going home? And he did not tell you he was at that hotel? In fact, he said he did not even know there was a hotel that close by nor had he ever set foot in it. Apparently he WAS there. And he was there looking for someone. He walked in and asked the front desk clerk if a certain person was there. And then he asked if there is a restaurant there in which the person could be waiting and the clerk said the restaurant was closed. And so he left. So he was there apparently meeting someone but that someone did not show up and he left. Also, I will note that his car was not parked in the hotel parking lot on the side of the hotel but in the parking lot in the business located down from the hotel on another property. And apparently he had walked in from the main street which means he parked off site. So this is also odd in itself.Don't ask how I know this but I made it my mission to find out. I have been having a gut feeing for a long time and have just needed to find the proof for my own peace of mind. I have wanted to leave him but never felt sure if my gut was right or I was just paranoid or it was all my imagination. Because all I had was a gut feeling. And no proof. But for the past couple of months my gut feeling got stronger and stronger. And I just could not ignore it. I know this man. After 3 years together, I KNOW him. And I just sensed some changes. This is the closest I have come to having some good evidence. I would like to ask you to help me piece it together. The clerk is 80 per cent sure it was him. Same height. By his picture etc. I know you will say I am crazy or wrong for doing it but I HAD to. I needed to find the answers as it was driving me to lose my sanity. And I think I have it. But I need to know... Is it possible he was meeting someone for business? And they did not show? But if it was business, would they not have called to let him know they could not make it? And do people meet at a small hotel for business? He told me he was not at a hotel. And told me he went straight home after his appointment. Why lie to me about it then? Could he have lied because if he told the truth - ie. let's say he was meeting an associate there - I would have been suspicious as he knows I am worried about his fidelity? But meeting at a small hotel? In the middle of a big city? Where there are lots of coffee shops and other places to meet? Just seems like an odd place to meet.Or... is it possible he was about to have a tryst with a random and was supposed to meet them, only had a name and they were a no show? Would this make sense? I mean the location is perfect for a tryst!Also on two separate occasions he was in the same city. One time in a store for 1.5 hours. Not sure if he was even there. And another time saying he had to go downtown to lay someone off in person. This person worked for a branch of his office close to home but he had to go to their other place of work in the city to lay them off when he could have done it at his home office? And he was down there for a lot longer than it would take to lay someone off. His medical appointment and subsequent hotel stop was the third time he was in that city. Just seems so strange to me...I know if I confront him he will explain his way out of it. Like he always does. Like he explained his way out of every other situation that seemed sketchy to me.Can anyone advise me on how to handle it? What to do exactly? What to say? And if you think I have good reason to terminate this relationship? I have never dealt with a potential cheater before. This would be the first time anybody has done this to me.Please. I just need help. Not judgement. I got the proof. I snooped. It is done. If only you knew how much I have wanted this over for so long. And I am closer than ever.I appeal to your empathy.Can you help me?Hope this question is printed. I could really use the help of the people here. You have provided some incredible insight and advice in the past. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2016): Sweetheart, you look to be a good person with a good heart and a lot going for her.
You just took a wrong turn.
You are not like many other typical and loose women who sleep with married men for thrills and kicks.
He must have hung onto you this long because you are special and he does care but I advise you it's best if you leave him. This type of relationship doesn't seem to be the right one for a woman like you. A woman like you can do better.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2016): Thank you for being so honest with us OP. It takes guts to do what you did. And I will not knock you down like some of the others for the fact you were brutally honest with us. It sheds a whole lot of light onto your story. Not everyone is the same and cookie cutter advice does not apply to all. Yours is unique by far. You sound like a lonely little girl inside a woman's body reaching out for salvation. Only you have found it in the wrong place. You seem to be very intelligent and eloquent and not at all out of your mind. You understand and described the situation perfectly. It is not different from the majority of married men/mistress affairs. Most men are not looking to fall in love or leave their marriages. You realize that after all this time, he has not left his wife so you are not as important to him as he is to you. That hurts. You seem emotionally sound but are trying hard not to let go of your dream. Because this is all you have. May I suggest using the time away from him to find yourself again? Take up new hobbies? Use it as a time of reflection? Maybe find a counsellor to talk to? Rebuild yourself and self esteem. Love yourself and make yourself whole again. There will come a time that you will no longer need this man. I hope for your sake that time is soon.
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A
female
reader, MartiJJ  +, writes (24 October 2016):
 Lying is a deal breaker for me personally, no matter the reason, no trust no relationship, but the fact that you think it's ok to see a married man then obsess about the idea he might see a third woman strikes me as hypocritical!!!
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A
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2016): OP, I want to point out this is where married men make a fatal error. They choose women who are single and available instead of a married woman with as much to lose as he does if the affair were to be revealed or discovered.
The fact he chose you tells me he is not an experienced cheater.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2016): It's OP.I do think it is possible he does love me but he said all along he would never admit it or allow it to change his life. In other words, he was clear that even if he loved me, he would never leave his wife. He does also worry I would reveal our secret to the world. Obviously because I am so invested in this relationship and emotionally volatile that he worries if he ever does anything to rub me the wrong way, that I have the potential to explode. So far, I have carried the weight admirably although I have had many moments where I was so close to the edge. The way I feel would not be unique to any other woman in my position. Sure, some can better contain their emotions than others. Some can handle an affair better than others. So the old saying can apply depending on the type of woman involved... "Hell hath no fury"... And it is a given that in more cases than not, the other woman will at some point be (and feel) scorned.The reason I worry excessively is because this has now become a relationship after 3.5 years together. He has never once done or said anything that is solid proof of cheating. It is all my paranoia and worry. Why? I guess it's my karma. Admittedly, this part and parcel of these types of relationships. A woman on the side will never feel safe. Like she means everything to him. That he would walk to the ends of the earth to be with her. He never tells her he loves her. He will not leave his marriage for her. So she feels she is not worth it. Her life is focused on him. But his is not focused on her. She is just a small part. An escape. And after the fantasy wears off, she begins to question him and his intentions, starts to feel resentful. And the relationship begins to change. Because she now sees reality. She wants more from him but he cannot and will not give more. He is happy with how things are. He tries hard to hang onto her. He says he loves her. Never said it before. But says it now that he sees she is wavering. He says he is happy with her. Does not want anything to change. And wants to stay with her forever. Of course she is always going to feel like she is walking a tight rope. Her hearts says she loves him and has invested all this time. It is a relationship. He loves her. But her head says he is going to hurt her someday. This relationship is a dead end. It is now hurting her more than it's making her happy. She knows there is no future but she loves him anyway. And she stays. The problem here and the root of my worry is that I know he is capable of cheating and he has done so with me for almost 4 years. I worry that now that our relationship has calmed down that he might try to seek out a new thrill. This is WHY I worry. In a nutshell. No woman can be exciting forever. No matter how exciting she was at the start. It is a lot of pressure to always feel I need to wow him and keep him locked in. I feel pressure to always be at my best. Give him the best sex so he won't stray. But I realize no matter what I do, it will never be good enough. It will never change whatever he decides to do. If he wants to cheat, he will. It has nothing to do with me. And I try so hard to make him see that he doesn't have to do that. That I take care of him. I try to control him so that I control not being hurt. That is why I keep watching him so intently. I have even lost it on him. Crying uncontrollably. Telling him how he would destroy me if he would sleep with anyone else. He said he wouldn't and how lost he would be without me. Then he took me into my kitchen and told me to take one of my anti anxiety meds to calm me down. He says there is nobody else for him. I am his princess. But then a part of me is always questioning him about the possibility of him cheating, asking him where he was, and hounding him all the time. I think I am subconsciously trying to push him away. Instead of leaving outright, I am slowly pushing him away. And a part of me says he is going to cheat anyway no matter what I do. Part of me says he is going to cheat because he will seek another escape from me, who used to be his escape, because I am pushing the baggage on him constantly. He has even asked me why I am trying to push him away? So I am in my mind predicting and believing that he is or will cheat no matter what. He denies it all. But I am the one hanging onto those thoughts. He has always said I am wrong. So, it's like I have given up. But still not wanting to let go. It is tough because no matter what decision I make, I will suffer on both counts. So, if I do, I will suffer. If I don't, I will suffer. I guess I just do not want him to get away with it. If I leave, it's another one bites the dust and he goes on happily with his life, hurting his wife, and likely going on to keep cheating with someone new. While I am left destroyed. And he keeps having his fun. This is not fair. That I have invested so much of myself into him and he gets away with it all. I think part of me wants him to pay. To be taught a lesson. I know that is terrible to say but I am being brutally honest. I have been honest in all my posts. Yes, I have embellished some details. But that is only because I thought I needed to or my questions would not be published. I am sorry for that. :(He is away now with his wife visiting his mom. He has already texted me several times telling me he misses me. Is thinking of me etc. He is always good at keeping in touch whenever he's gone away. I am used to this after all this time. But the empty feeling in my stomach and the sting of it all never goes away.I know I will feel empty without him. And I hate that feeling. I think I am so reluctant to let go because I do not want to feel that empty. I already do.Right now, I know as I have known all along, that the times he is away and comes back after a few weeks, have always created an intense longing in both of us. A longing for each other and each other's bodies. It's like the time away reignites the relationship. And it is always fireworks when he comes back. This is it. The fact we cannot be together all the time keeps the spark going. It is an addiction. And at this point, I am too addicted to want to get out. I am not sure when rock bottom will hit. But I suspect that is the time things will change.
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A
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2016): WHY does he put up with all this drama?Well, ever think he might really love you? Or he may be afraid if he does not appease you, that you will tell his wife about the affair?
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 October 2016):
 Yes. You have a story. And it's a story which changes all the time.
Once he is married and living with his wife. Another, you are adamant that he was never married , just living with someone, and SHE left him. Another time, he had eventually taken the plunge and had come to live with you. In the
" Home Depot " post linked above you pose as a 20something girl at her first boyfriend, traumatized into morbid jealousy by a philandering father.
I am even wondering if this married man really exists . You make him , and yourself,say and do such implausible things. Not totally impossible, perhaps, but very very improbable. The photo thing, for instance. I doubt, strongly doubt, that any hotel clerk worth his salt, - and willing to keep his job ! - would give a positive identification when shown a pic by a total stranger. By the police, yes. By the first gal passing by, no.
They surely would not want to risk making trouble, and ribbing the wrong way, a past, present, or even potential client, by ratting out the client, or someone connected to the client. And surely ( specially in the case of a "no-tell motel " where people meet up for trysts ) the hotel would not want to make for itself a reputation of a place that can't protect privacy and discretion. And, lastly, people do not want to get dragged into something that's not any of their business anyway and could have legal consequences- they'll err on the side of caution. So if you show a hotel clerk the pic of someone and ask him " Has this man ever been here ? ", unless it's a police investigation, they will tell you " I don't know " " I don't remember " or " We are not allowed to answer this kind of question ".
Another thing that's very hard to believe is that this married man would still be with you and put up for 3 years with what left the realm of jealousy and possessiveness to verge dangerously into that of psychosis - and stalking.
Even if you are a sex goddess, and yes, there are many indignities which an old billygoat will go through to keep having sex with a younger woman- but, there's a limit to anything. This man is supposedly a professional, or a successful businessman, with many employers under his command, and a position and an image to defend ( at least that's how you describe him ). I mean, he's not the first brain addled , drunken loser that needs to let women bully him. And this accomplished, mature, successful man, instead, not only lets you literally persecute him, spy on him, check his receipts, follow him around, show his pics to strangers, - and not only he does not object, but he does his best to appease you, to humour you, to reassure you ?! Never say never ,maybe- but clearly this belongs more to the pages of some dimestore novel, than to how things work in real life.
So yes, you have a story- and God knows what it is, surely not the one you are telling us in ever changing details and an escalation of drama and attention seeking.
I am sure it's a sad story. I am sure that , whether there's a married man with you or not, you are lonely and confused , and you are bitterly feeling a big void in your life that you are tryng to fill with some dysfunctional relationship, either real or imaginary. I am sure that your profuse, contraddictory narrations are your attempt to self medicate and to heal from something painful, which not necessarily has got to do with an elusive married man.
But, it does not help, does it ? It goes worse and worse. You write, you get your fix from the people who advise you, scold you, criticize you, comfort you , debate with you - and then it's gone and you have to write again and again with other more outrageous, real or imaginary, misadventures.
How long can you go on like that ?
I am saying this for you- not for us. We do not mind, we like to be your audience. Yours are interesting posts, whether you are a poster ,reporting a real situation, who stubbornly refuses to listen to good advice, or one of our creative writers who finds solace in venting ... about something only very losely based on factual truth.
But, how long can you go on writing about things, rather than actually DOING things to make your life better ? why do you refuse to take any practical step to fix whatever needs fixing ?
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reader, like I see it  +, writes (22 October 2016):
 You "don't see him as a player" but you have posted literally dozens of questions here asking if this or that proves YOUR suspicion that he is seeing women other than you?
Forgive me, OP, but it honestly seems like you're trolling us at this point.
Good luck with this situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2016): Hi everyone. It's the OP again.
I am not just another nameless, faceless person seeking advice in the personal yet impersonal world of advice forums. I am human. And I am complex. I have a story.
I have and have had a lot of emotional stress in my life without adding my "boyfriend" to the mix. I guess that's the reason I sought him out in the first place. As an escape from my stress and misery. I needed to be fixed. To find a happy place again. I was not thinking about the repercussions at the time. Only the rewards. I needed those rewards so badly. I did not see in the beginning what kind of pain I would be experiencing 3 years down the road when I fell in love with a man who could never be mine. And that my story would end up like every other woman who falls in love with a married man. But I could never have known that then. I have never had an affair with a married man before. And I do not have a lot of relationship experience either. I married my first boyfriend and once he became my husband, he was not able to perform as I was saving my virginity until marriage. So my first husband did not de-flower me and I remained a virgin in this marriage for about 18 years. Over time, we just became comfortable with each other and had oral sex which eventually also dwindled but never intercourse. I guess I felt like I was less of a woman. Like my husband didn't find me sexually appealing. I felt like a freak at times. And ashamed. He could never keep an erection when trying to enter me. And never sought help. I still don't know why to this day. But it certainly had a big hand in the demise of our marriage. During my marriage I fell for somebody I was involved with professionally but never had a physical affair with. For the record, this man was not married. It was more of an emotional affair. But it seems like a part of me was reaching out to somebody who could take my virginity and this guy was there. Although he was not going to compromise his career to get involved with me and so I terminated that relationship because it was a dead end. Somehow I was able to go no contact with that man after having him in my life for 2 years. I could actually do it. I walked away. But for some reason, this man has had some sort of a hold on me. Unlike any other. I think I know why and I will explain as my story unfolds.
When I first met my married boyfriend, I was not really into him but he clearly was very taken with me. Over time of course that changed. I had just come out of that previous relationship in which I went no contact and was still recovering and very raw from the heartbreak. Because I was heartbroken. I was lonely and broken. Feeling not so special. In walks another man who is paying attention. After a little while, my boyfriend and I got to know each other. He offered to help me with projects and we'd communicate more. The communication and comfort level increased. His eyes would linger on me, locking eyes and then lingering on my body, and I sensed how shy and nervous he was in my presence. Sometimes he would avoid my gaze altogether and other times our eye contact was on fire. I could tell he was hooked and he gave me hints but he never pursued me. In fact, he hung back. Every time we got close, he would pull away and ignore me. Which made me upset. And I would seek his attention again. It became a courtship dance but he did resist a lot. After one step forward, he took two steps back. But then he would come back. He was never overt nor did he ever do anything blatantly inappropriate. He confessed to me that he was going though an internal struggle because he was married and was so attracted to me and was trying hard to resist that attraction. But I would not let him. I know, I am a bad person. I guess the pull was too strong, even for me. And yes, I know I had a choice not to go there. But I did. Same for him. I just remember one day seeing him smile and I just melted from the inside out. I felt giddy. Elated. Like I was high. And that feeling was so amazing to me. It was addictive. It was never just sex for me. I actually cared for him. Truly cared. And the amazing sex was just an extension of my passionate feelings for him. It was never just physical. And I suspect if I ever lose feelings for him, the sex would never be the same. Because I am driven by my emotions. My passion in the bedroom is unleashed by my feelings. So he was my ticket to paradise. I wanted so badly to lose my virginity and he was older and stable. And I guess I gravitated to his experience. He is witty and charming and intelligent. I felt protected and wanted by him. I felt like a school girl with my very first real boyfriend. It was with him. He was the one who took my virginity. At 43 years old. It is crazy to think something like this could even happen. But it did. I will never forget the first time. August 1, 2013. That was when I finally lost my virginity. To a married man 15 years my senior. And I had no regrets. I chose him. I wanted him. He was the one. I still have no regrets. Crazy isn't it? My problem is this girl is a dreamer. Life can be difficult for people like us. But that's a whole other subject.
My boyfriend and I have a history. We have travelled together on many trips over the years we've been together. I see him in everyday life. We are part of each other's lives. We communicate everyday. He will drop everything to come see me if I ask him to. He has helped me in my personal life to get things in order. He cares if I am happy or sad. If I am upset, it bothers him. He is hurt by that. He holds my hand when we are out. He can let out gas in front of me. Burp in my presence. We can just laugh at so many things. We share the same sense of humour. And we just connect intellectually. We just have this connection. It has grown stronger over our time together. He can say anything to me and I can say anything to him. I know you may think it's one sided and he is the typical married guy after sex. But he is in his mid 60's and I really don't see him at his age as being a player. He is slowing down in life. He is definitely a chameleon. Very mature and well traveled but also he can behave like an immature little boy at times. Sometimes we butt heads real good because we can both be pretty immature for a pair of supposed adults. I have cried in his presence. Deeply. I have lost it in his presence. Madly. And he has comforted me. If I am angry, he will want to talk to me to find out what is wrong. And make it better. This has been a relationship. We do not meet for just sex. There have been plenty of times we have been together doing things couples do and do not have sex. Our relationship has evolved from purely sexual to more. He has told me he cannot leave her. He said he's been honest all along. He has been. He told me he cares about me. I think he does. But he is afraid to risk the life he knows on something that may never work out. He is concerned I will leave him for a younger man once his ability to have sex fades as he knows sex is important to me. Sometimes there are deeper issues at work and people are deeper than you think. Deeper than providing the one size fits all advice that is commonly dished out. Yesterday he told me he loves me. I am not sure why. I think maybe it's because he is afraid of losing me. Because he knows I love him and want more. And he just left today to visit his mom - his wife in tow - for a few weeks. He was somewhat concerned about what I would be doing in his absence. Hoping I do not meet someone else while he is away. Which I never will. Because my heart is with him. As silly as that is. Silly because he is away with her while I wait for him to come back. And I do feel a sense of loss while he is away. Not as happy. A withdrawal of sorts. But I also feel it could be a relief for me from the emotional stress when he is around and I am always worried he will cheat. He keeps telling me I am more than enough for him. That he IS happy and does not need other women. He is not looking. Nor would he ever succumb. He says I am special and he is lucky to have me. He does seem to cherish me and calls me his princess. He makes time to see me even if he doesn't have it. He has always remained true to his word and committed to the "relationship" we have. We have had issues - and probably always will - because it is a challenging situation. Mostly on my end. Because I have emotional needs which he cannot completely fulfill. He says he needs to keep his feelings in check in order to not disrupt his other life. He says he does not do it to hurt me. He knows I love him and he says he loves me but he won't leave his marriage. I tell myself it must be dead. I mean, how much can you really love your wife to stay with another woman for close to 4 years? And he does treat me like a second wife. As best as he can. I know it sounds strange but it is true. He says in his mind he knows he should let me go. But he cannot. He knows I deserve more. Better. But he does not want to lose me. I guess I put up with all the pain and punish myself because I love him. And I go on and on about the negatives and have written quite negatively, I think as a way of self preservation. I am trying to convince myself I need to let go. I am trying to convince myself it is so bad I have no choice. This is where the harshness comes from. And I am also embellishing the truth. So it is more harsh. I do not know if what I say is all true either as I do lash out at times.
The picture I sent the hotel clerk wasn't a very good one. It was taken in full sun and there were shadows on his face. Today he drove with me to the hotel. We arrived there and went to the front desk asking for the clerk who was there the day he was downtown. She was off sick. But he went though the trouble of coming to get me and driving all the way to another city and fully expecting to go through with it. So I am convinced he is innocent.
In conclusion, I was quite blinded by the affair fog and now 3.5 years later, the fog has dissipated and reality is staring me in the face. And it can be quite harsh when compared to the fantasy I had of this whole "relationship." I did not see it as wrong. I was just going with my heart. He always made me feel so good. That is what they say. It's how the person makes us feel. And I felt special. And he was always adamant from the beginning that the relationship would never progress and he was content being married. Silly me was always dreaming of a happy ending. And I guess I have been hanging in still hoping. I keep telling myself he must really love me to stay with me for this long. Surely it could not be just a sexual fling. They come and go and never last like this does. I must be different. He has always been better at controlling his emotions. And I just don't know how. I have always told him to be vulnerable for me. Make me feel special. Don't hide your feelings or turn them on or off. Let me in. You don't need a wall. All I want to do is love you. I will never hurt you. And I find that whenever he seems to fall off the edge and give in to his feelings, he pulls back again and creates distance. Which hurts me. So much. It is a constant feeling love and then having to pull back. That is emotionally destructive. I guess I know all this in my conscious mind. I know he is not good for me. I know he is married to another woman. I know all the bad things. But they do not stop me from loving him. He is my first. I think so much of him. I know he is cheating on his wife but he said she cut him off sexually. And I am his first affair.
I know people laugh at that. Maybe I should too. He says he will never leave me because he is happy. He said that will someday be my choice. I know it. I have always known it. He says he will not fight. He knows someday it will end. I guess I wish he loved me enough to fight. To come after me. How ironic, isn't it? Maybe when he loses me, he might just realize that he loved me all along.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2016): I don't think you can trash a 3 year relationship based on a stranger's opinion. They see a lot of people in a hotel everyday and they could have been wrong. If they were certain and said 100 percent then I would worry. But they leave room for doubt.But, even saying that, you can't trust him. And you have convinced yourself he is cheating. So he might as well be. What kind of relationship is that? Where you cannot let him in because you think he is cheating? And he will not want to let you in because you think he is a cheater? It works both ways. The one mistrusts builds a wall and the one who is mistrusted builds a wall in return. You both have a wall up. You are always both guarded. This is not healthy. I am with the other poster. I am surprised you have lasted this long. Certainly the sex must be spectacular.Have you ever watched Three's Company? You can see or hear what is before your very eyes and twist it into what you interpret the situation to be. It is not necessarily the truth.It seems to me you have finally found a way to come to as close to proof as you possibly can. So, now what?Do you choose to believe him or a total stranger?
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reader, like I see it +, writes (21 October 2016):
Tough love here, OP. Yes, it sounds like you have finally caught him. But honestly, I don't think you have a "relationship" to terminate. You may want to believe that there is more to your liaisons with this man than just sex, but your posts tell a different story. You look at this man through rose-colored glasses because you love him. But when you post describing his behavior and the dynamic between you, we don't wear those same rose-colored glasses to read about it and evaluate it. I am not sure you are able to step back and look at your situation objectively. But here is what it looks like to those of us who are not emotionally involved in it and biased by that involvement.
There is no trust. No honesty. No shared public social life. No acknowledgement by others that you are a couple. No emotional support from him for you when you are struggling. None of the things (besides frequent sex) that a healthy relationship entails. You don't share a home or a life; he shares those things with someone else. Whatever you may offer him in the bedroom - the greatest sex of all time, whatever - he's made it clear by stringing you along for three years that the person he wants to maintain a RELATIONSHIP, emotionally and publicly, with is the woman he married. Not you.
I am sorry to say it so harshly. But I truly think it's important that you understand - not just read here, but *understand* - that anything he says to you about the role you may fill in his life is totally meaningless when his actions don't back those words up. If he made you feel valued, cherished, or worth fidelity, you wouldn't be consumed by worry about your role in his life. Clearly he does not.
Here is the reality. You meet him for sex. You have sex and then he goes back to his regular life with the woman he is married to and stays married to. This is important; if he were truly unhappy, he would leave. If he truly loved you, he would want you all the time, and he would not settle for less. Instead he is getting, say, 90% of what he wants at home - and using you and likely others now too to get that remaining 10%. And he's only giving you 10% back! He gets 100%, you get 10% because you don't have this whole other life built up to fulfill the rest of your needs like he does. Do you really think that's a good deal for you? Meanwhile you use all the time you are necessarily left alone by him to obsess over the possibility that someone who can use you so casually as a bit of spice in his sex life may seek out other new flavors as well.
I will tell you right now that your worry he might cheat on you too is the most logical part of anything you have posted. A man who can do this to his wife can very easily do it to his booty call, and with much less guilt or soul-searching because you already KNOW you are not the only woman in his bed. You share him with another woman already. And before you argue that that is not what you are to him, look at his ACTIONS rather than his words. It doesn't matter what he SAYS to you, it matters that he meets you for sex but doesn't mind sending you home to sleep alone and wake up alone every day for as long as you accept the arrangement. Perhaps for the rest of your life or his, if you are willing to value yourself so little for so long.
You are right to assume that while he may feel like your whole world, you are a small part of his. He has a whole other life to occupy his time when you are not together. You don't have that same safety net. You have all the time in the world to stalk and track and obsess and it consumes you. You have allowed yourself to feel like this is all you deserve, but I'm telling you, you can do better. I don't care HOW good the sex is; no orgasm is worth the kind of emotional hell we've watched you wallow in for years over this man. A good vibrator could fill the same role in your life that he does, with none of the harmful emotional fallout. You could set yourself free to be the best lover a SINGLE man has ever had, and rest easy knowing that you aren't trusting your heart to a known cheater just because he told you you're awesome in bed.
I truly hope the evidence you've uncovered is the straw that breaks the camel's back for you. I hope it's the turning point that allows you to see how much you are investing in this man and how little you are getting back. No one deserves the kind of hell you are making the ongoing choice to put yourself through. I hope you find the strength to end this arrangement and the self-love and self-worth to ask a professional counselor for help in finally moving on.
Good luck and best wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2016): Your boyfriend's behaviour tells me he is innocent. No guy who is guilty as charged would be willing to do what he did.
It's too bad you can't trust him. You've been with him 3 years? I am surprised it has lasted this long.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2016): It's the OP.
I talked to him today and he said it was not him and the front desk clerk was mistaken.
And he offered to go with me to the hotel tomorrow to clear it all up.
But I know I will never trust him and that I am not happy in this state. And must make a very hard decision. :(
Thank you all for your advice.
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reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 October 2016):
 You are torching yourself, every post I read I just shake my head and wonder why you are doing this to yourself. Then I have to wonder why this man is still with you. You both must just be miserable. He is basically living in a prison and well you are basically stalking him. Please get some help before you do something that you cannot undo. Please seek a professional.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2016): Sweetheart, IF your "boyfriend" is a married man who has carried on an illicit affair with you for 3 or more years and will never leave his wife, then I can see why you are feeling the way you are. It is a tough situation for you. And I understand WHY you think he is cheating. It's because he probably IS. You are a fun toy on the side and you are likely not the only one he is using for sexual thrills and fun and games. Decide what you want to do. I would advise you to leave him. If you want to tell his wife, that is your choice. He certainly deserves to be exposed. I would do that if I was in your position. Men like this need to be taught a lesson.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2016): You've convinced yourself you're right so I think you should end your relationship with this man. That way he can find himself a gf that will trust him, not stalk his every waking moment and humiliate him by waving his picture everywhere. I'd be appalled if my partner behaved in this way.Then you should seek out counselling to find out exactly why you think this kind of behaviour is acceptable. It's one thing to have a rational feeling of unease based on solid evidence and another to take reasonable everyday occurrences and twist them to your own agenda.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2016): If you're prepared to throw away 3 yrs of a relationship because a complete stranger is 80 percent sure your bf visited his hotel, you don't "think" it was work related and that's all you've go to go on, then that's on you.Out of curiosity are you the same woman who emailed your bf's picture to Home Depot because he said that's where he'd been for over an hour, but they couldn't remember him?Either way then I think you should seek therapy because I think you are being paranoid. Nothing you've said here is concrete proof he's cheating. Where are the texts, furtive conversations, emails, second phone etc? It's plausible he was due to meet an associate in a hotel restaurant. It's plausible that he went to lay someone off where they occasionally work. It takes a while to fire someone, you don't just walk through the door and tell them to get their coat. Most workplaces don't run like clockwork. I'm forever being sent back and forth and appointments often get muddled.You're right to think he may be lying about truthful things because in his position I would too. Being cross questioned about every aspect of your life is exhausting and stressful. Your're clearly stalking him in meticulous detail so I think you'd have a lot more evidence than this if he was actually cheating.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 October 2016):
 The relationship is dead. No trust. It's over.
You've been advised many times to end the relationship. You've also been advised to get some counseling.
Do both those things and you'll be closer to the peace you are so frantically and mistakenly trying to find in snooping.
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results." --loosely attributed to Albert Einstein
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reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (20 October 2016):
 Are you the same person who posted a while ago, asking if it was possible for someone to be in a store for an hour and a half and not purchase anything? And you actually checked out with the staff in the store whether your boyfriend had been there and they did not recognise his picture?http://www.dearcupid.org/question/would-the-average-guy-spend-15-hours-in.htmlIf so, why are you pretending this is a recent thing? Ironic that you needed proof for "peace of mind". Did your stalking and snooping give you peace of mind? Quite obviously not. If you have sunk so low that you are obsessed with stalking your boyfriend and finding out his every move, then you need to either get professional help or get out of the relationship. To be honest, I would go with the former, as this is not normal behaviour. If your gut feeling tells you something is wrong, why do you not just finish the relationship and walk away instead of torturing yourself in this way?
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