A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am very much in love with this man and we are engaged to be married in a year. He treats me wonderfully and we are best friends. The only issue is the mother of his child hates that we are together and has drawn a wedge between us. She is violent and verbally abusive towards him and dangles his child over his head. She swears that if we ever get married or have children he will never see his daughter again. He has tried to keep the peace and will not agree to any of her terms if I can't be involved. He is paying child support and wants to be in his daughter's life but he wants me to be happy and not disrespected at the same time. She wants him to choose between me or his daughter and right now they are at a standstill. I understand that he has to communicate with her for the sake of the child but it's unsettling to me. She has stalked me and verbally harassed me as well as threatened to hurt me physically. She has been arrested for physically assaulting him in front of the child in public while I was present. I love him dearly and we have no issue besides her psychotic actions. My family and friends say I should just break up with him and cut all ties. My only issue is they are all unmarried single mothers and I wonder if I should listen to their advice. They tell me to find someone without kids. I don't have a problem with the child just her disrespect towards both of us. She swears and belittles him to everyone including the child and I know this is unhealthy for the little girl. We have started counseling with our church to try to rebuild the structure of our relationship. I have pulled back from him because I don't want to be involved in any way out of fear of causing another altercation. I know marriage isn't easy and no one is perfect. I just wonder if our marriage could ever work or if it's doomed from the start. Whose advice should I take? My family and friends or the church members and his family who says not to let someone else break us up?
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (19 October 2013):
 Sadly exes with children are like ugly sweaters: they never go away. I hate to break it to you: this is likely to continue and may get worse -- especially if you get married.
Unfortunately you can't deal with the crazies -- at least in a rational manner. They are who they are and for whatever reason she has a vendetta against your boyfriend. Being that she has already been arrested, I think it may be time to enlist a good and aggressive lawyer to work on limiting her access to the children and her influence over your lives. It may be the smartest investment that you make. Perhaps a restrictive restraining order would help.
Also keep in mind that many of her verbal threats may be just that: more bark than bite.
You may also want to consider leaving the area and putting some serious distance between your family and her, if legally possible.
While I agree with your friends and family members about not letting her break up your relationship, ultimately she will be a thorn in your lives -- at least for the foreseeable future. This may be time for you to do a serious gut check as to whether you want to live like this. While I would hate to see you lose your love, you could be gambling with your safety and emotional sanity. Marriage is a tough deal and it won't be made any easier with a vindictive ex. You may find it useful to talk to a therapist about your fears. Sometimes just having someone to vent with can relieve your tensions.
Ultimately the question you need to ask yourself is: do you want to live like this and what can you do to rectify the situation? Often times this is a matter of acceptance or it is time for you to move on.
That decision is uniquely yours, and yours alone.
Eddie
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (18 October 2013):
 Has your fiancé sought full time custody of his daughter? I'm guessing the answer is no and if that's correct, why not?
What kind of man is content to simply be a part of his daughter's life when he can offer her a safe and stable place to live? The woman is clearly violent and unstable in front of the girl. Do you think she behaves any better in private with no one about to stop her?
I'm inclined to agree with your friends and family. When you marry this man, you agree to accept not only him but everything about him. His assets, his liabilities, his baggage and whomever else is in his life.
This woman will always be a part of your lives for two reasons. One, their child. And two, she is a psycho. She will never let up. Nothing short of death or incarceration will stop her. And if she's cunning enough not to be in prison or have lost custody of her daughter then she is a force to be reckoned with.
And it's not just your well being to consider, but that of your future children, if you plan on having any (even if you don't accidents do happen). If the ex treats her own child this way, do you think she'll treat yours any better? You, at least, have a choice. They don't. Is this the life you would consign them to?
His family are clearly looking out for him, as, I suspect, are the church folks you've been speaking to. No one is really looking out for you or your future children.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (17 October 2013):
 Don't let someone else break you up. If he is a good man and you love him then don't fall victim to his ex. She wants to make sure that the two of you are broken beyond repair. That is her main goal. If you go to church, pray for her to let go of her anger. Find that inner peace or inner strength to deal with her in a zen like way. Be the better person. Her role in both your lives is to test your relationship and faith in one another, and also to test your character. Your role in her life is to teach her peace and love through your actions. If she swears at you, treat her with respect. I've always found that people who exhibit extreme anger like that often have so much hurt and pain buried underneath, that all it takes is a kind gesture or word and it opens up a floodgate of tears. I'm not saying that you have to endanger yourself with her, but the next time she treats you with disrepect and abuse, instead of reacting negatively or withdrawing, offer her some kindness. Baby steps. Hopefully in time she will come to accept and respect you. Pray for this to happen:)
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 October 2013):
 Hold on a second - if she's being arrested for assault, why doesn't he go to the courts and sue for custody? If you have evidence of being stalked and threatened, why not file a restraining order against her?
If her behavior is this erratic, she's unfit to have his kids. With the exception of her threats to you directly, this is his problem, his baggage. There is no "choose". There is only him standing up to her and making sure the law is on his side.
She can't dangle the child and threaten to cut the child off because that is not only against the law, but her actions that have been documented by the police actually gives your boyfriend the ammunition to tell HER "if you harass us in any way or threaten our child, I will sue for sole custody". Bottom line, she'll lose your boyfriend's kids. She'll lose his child support. She'll GAIN support payments of her own that will be due him. The more erratic she gets. The more arrests, and she'll lose her kid. It's that simple.
So he doesn't have to choose anything. She chooses to respect the law and be civil, or she loses everything.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (17 October 2013):
 You asked a lot of questions the telling question to me was this one, "I just wonder if our marriage could ever work or if it's doomed from the start." While there are no guarantee's in life, this one doesn't look doomed to me. It is very painful right now, but the truth is that the ex is rapidly running out of legal options. She can't continue to escalate. She has already been arrested once. Sooner or later she will either get in enough trouble to lose custody or she will give up and accept that she is not allowed to control him any more. Probably pretty soon. A lawyer's advice would be helpful on that.
In the United States your chances of finding a childless partner are not as good as your sisters think. I don't like your engaged but separated status right now. I think you should give it another year. Keep dating. Be a united front when dealing with the ex, as you have been. This gives him a strength that his ex does not have available. Her vow to take the daughter from him is not realistic in this country. Document threats and harassment.
I feel that you leaving him is a drastic solution to a temporary problem. Kind of like swatting a fly with an axe.
FA
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