A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure what to do about this guy i was seeing. He never actually told me that he didn't want to see me any more. He has just stopped contacting me. He did tell a couple of his friends that he thinks the world of me (if he feels that way, why won't he talk to me?) , but i did upset him once recently apparently, as he told one of his friends .And he has also had financial problems for quite a while too, but he recently got a new job working nights(he lost contact with me just after he started that job),and he has a part time job that he does some mornings. He goes out drinking most afternoons though , then goes home to sleep for a few hours before he goes to his night job. When we were seeing each other, he just had the part time job in the mornings. The last thing he said to me by text message was that he needed to talk to me, but then he just stopped contacting me. I know the places that he usually goes in to drink, so i'm wondering whether to see if he is there and try to speak to him about it. It wouldn't look odd if he saw me there, as it's a very small town, and i like those pubs too. I don't want to come across as desperate, but it's the only way i can think of to try and get him to talk to me, but even if i do see him, he hasn't spoken to me on the phone, so there is no guarantee he would talk to me in person, and even if he did, i might not like what he has to say, and he might not tell me the truth. I did bump into him once recently, but i was going to catch a train, so i couldn't speak to him for long. He asked me how i had been (as if he cares!), and he asked me who my uncle and his friend were, as they were with me at the time(he might have thought i was going out with one of them, and may have been jealous, but i'm not sure. Do you think he might still like me ?. He said he would call me the next day but he didn't. What do you think i should do?I wish i had had more time to speak to him when i last saw him. It upset me when i saw him, but it also upsets me when i don't see him or hear from him .
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 June 2011):
 Yes, his past relationship history would seem to confirm that he is not a relationshipy kind of guy. By choice or by necessity, anyway he got used to be by himself and I am sure he'll value his independence. Your humongous age difference explains a lot too, what 50 y.o. guy would say no to an obviously interested girl half his age,- but from that to making it a future-oriented thing, eh, that's different.
Look, all in all,- age difference, his dating status, his job and family problems, his sudden vanishing act - that 's really not a match made in Heaven, do not regret anything, it 's all for the best.
Sure, if you live in a small town and you'd bump into him, you can talk to him if you want to, no problem- but please do not go for an emotional heart-to-heart because it's really not the case .
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): I know he has only had two relationships, if that helps ( three if you include me, but we weren't seeing each other for long, so i'm not sure if you could call it a relationship ) . The first one he had lasted for seven years, from when he was 24 until he was 31. He lived with her. Then the next one was two years ago ( he's nearly 50 now, so yes, we do have a big age gap ). I'm not sure what has happened all the rest of the time though, whether he didn't see any women at all, or whether he had flings or something. His second relationship didn't last very long though, so the first one would have been his most serious relationship. As we have a big age gap, i wonder if that might come into it too, but it didn't seem to bother him at first . He also had problems with his family, and i know how that can affect people too. I think it would be hard for me not to speak to him if i saw him soon .
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 June 2011):
Sure it's possible. He can think the world of you ( as a person, nice personality, you treated him right, etc.etc. ) and just not "feel" you , not enough for dating you regularly.
No you haven't done anything wrong. Well I can't write it and countersign it for you, but I really don't think it's about you, some men ( many ) see relationships as a big huge WEIGHT in their life and will adjust to one only if they are literally crazy about the girl, nothing less.
Why then did he even start going out with you if he was not ready etc. ? Ah well : human nature. Man ( and woman,of course ) is selfish and into instant gratification. The correct, moral thing would have been.. to not ask you out and leave you be; the normal thing is to note a girl you like and ask her out without too many plans," we'll see what happens, we'll play it by ear"
As for him asking about the two guys with you, who knows, maybe he was only curious, maybe a tiny bit more, some guys are sort of "territorial " toward all their women, including exes.
But, like you wisely say yourself, no point on dwelling on so many details, it will only delay your moving on. It's normal that if you liked the guy and did not expect him to cool down, now you feel bad, but - it 's just temporary, it will go away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): Thanks for your replies. Do you think it's possible that he does think the world of me, like he apparently said ?. I'm not sure in what way he meant it ( whether as a friend, or something else ). I guess it's possible that he thinks i'm a nice person, but, like you said, he doesn't want a relationship. I'm not sure why he started seeing me in the first place, to be honest, as he was having the financial problems even when we were seeing each other. And, obviously, he introduced me to his friends too, and has talked about me to them. I also don't think that him having two jobs is the only reason that he has stopped contacting me. I just hope i haven't done anything wrong.It is awful not getting closure, but i guess i am best avoiding him as much as i can until i am over him. I'm sort of hoping that i won't bump into him again yet as it might upset me.I'm going to try and just focus on myself for now. I feel a bit embarrassed about speaking to him when i bumped into him ( i was walking past a pub to go and catch the train and i saw him stood outside smoking and i stopped to speak to him ) . Do you think he just asked who my uncle and his friend were to be friendly, or could he have been wondering if one of them was my boyfriend ?.I know i shouldn't dwell on this, but i still care about him for some reason, and it's hard for me to get over him at the moment.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 June 2011):
If you should get hold of him and corner him , 99 out of 100 he'd tell you " I don't have time for a relationship now ". Which is half truth half lie :
yes, it's true that with two jobs and
night shift too, he has few hours to himself and including a gf in them would put quite some pressure on him and it would take some effort.
Also true, that when people are in love or STRONGLY attracted, they MAKE time for everything and no inconvenience ever deters them.
But, we can't really fault his guy for not being in love with you- it just did not happen, nobody's fault. We can fault him for having been coward and elusive, he should have told you something rather than just stopping contact. .. It happens. For some reason, even strong men get terribly scared of telling a girl, sorry, I can't see you anymore.
Don't feel bad, and don't chase after him. Focus on yourself, your friends, and maybe new dates, and you'll get over him quite soon.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011):
"The guy I was seeing never actually told me that he didn't want to see me any more, he just stopped contacting me! What should I do now?"
Actions speak louder than words
Its awful when you don't get closure but, I would leave it and wait for him to get in touch and focus on you... sounds like he's focusing on his work and finances now - nightshifts are bad enough but to have 2 jobs must be draining him
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