A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a man for 4 years and he has 2 children with his ex-wife. We have lived together for 1 year. She doesn't want them to know that we are dating and have a one year old child of our own together. I have met the children when they were very young and didn't know who I was, and his ex didn't know about me at the time. Now it has become out of control that they don't know about me and our son...he says he doesn't want to hurt them any more than he already has. How do I cope with this? Even the shrink told him he can't hide it anymore. The ex is making impossible threats....What do I do???
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female
reader, elsie  +, writes (3 May 2007):
 i really sympathise with you.how awful to be caught up between a coward of a boyfriend(sorry but thats how he sounds)and a bitter ex.you have gone way and above the call of duty on this one.how dare he take so long to resolve this issue with telling his kids about their new sibling(all of them his own flesh and blood).id say the real problem pulling all the strings is this twisted ex.how can she justify not telling her own children that they have a little brother.what exactly is she shielding everyone from.the kids have obviously figured out that mum and dad arent together,mum obviously hasnt.
i believe that it would be a hell of a lot easier to tell this kids now whilst there still young.so they can grow up not being lied to.who will they blame when they are older?i know the effects of these sorts of lies.my fella grew up with a stepdad believing he was his real dad(to protect him) and this did untold damage when all was revealed when he was in his late teens.the mother should be the first one to tell the truth.what example are they as parents setting?his ex need serious counselling and your partner needs to grow up and start acting like the father and partner hes supposed to be.you are all living a half-life and she is the saddest for making her kids lose out.the fact that youve had a son together should spell out that theres no chance of them being together?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2007): How incredibly sad! Are you telling me that his 2 children don't even know they even have a new little brother?? I think it's time that your bf..stands up to his ex-wife and tells her...that his kids have a 'right' to know their new baby brother and share in the joy of experiencing this child grow up, with 2 loving siblings. This child is family to them-blood related and those kids will deeply, deeply resent their parents someday, for not being respected enough to partake in their new brother's life. Gosh--how the kids suffer for the mistakes of of their parents! *sigh* She needs to respect your bf's new life and his new family.
This is the painful downside of how some exes behave. The crazy thing is..some exes to do this just to compete with the new love interest. It's very immature, disrespectful behaviour. And...it is his responsibility to deal with his ex and tell her 'enough!' She needs to fully understand, his committment to you that the connection to her was broken with the divorce. It's done-it's over. It's obvious she feels threatened by you. Sadly, when you began a relationship with him, you took on the ex-wife, as well. No, it's not fair she's controlling the situation like this but this a reality when you marry a man who has a bitter ex wife and other children. And what of the the kids- I am especially concerned about them. I certainly hope they don't have be through the emotional work out of being witness to all this toxicity. Children do not gain strength of character in uncertain trying circumstances. Instead, they get confused and scared. It's time, both their parents understood this and put the children's happiness above their own. He can't make his ex-wife improve her behaviours...neither can you. But he can take a stand and let the ex-wife know that the kids are one-half his, and they should have the opportunity to meet their new sibling. She will balk...and loudly.
Your bf has to get this straightened out with the ex-wife, asap. This is not your issue but you and the kids have thrown into the middle of the fray and that is very unfair. His children deserve to know their new baby brother. And your bf has to tell the ex-wife that. It might not work but hopefully some day, your bf will stop allowing his ex-wife to yank him and you around. He really needs to detach emotionally, talk to her and be clear, that he will not tolerate any more of her poor behaviours. But, this will take time because the adversity you and he are facing is common when there is a lonely, bitter ex-wife. I just hate to see innocent kids suffer, because of all this unhealthy crap going on around them.
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A
female
reader, lillady55 +, writes (2 May 2007):
 I think the ex isnt over him yet and is jealous of your relationship, and maybe tellin the kids would make it more final. The children would be more hurt if they found out that everyone had been lyin to them, is it really the children he doesnt want to "hurt" and not the ex. I think if the 2 of them sat the children down and told them about you and your child they would probably handle it ok, and maybe even be pleased to have a little brother . I would explain to your partner that you are in a commited relationship and if he respects you he should include you in the childrens lives. As for the ex i would just tell her that for everyones peace of mind, everything should be brought out into the open as secrets only cause "disaster".
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