A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:There's been this guy that I had been asking questions about lately. He and I have known each other for about five years; have become really close friends for 2 1/2 to 3 years and have started really flirting back and forth since last summer.He was a former college prof of mine (I've since graduated). I did not know his exact age (I was guessing around 50), but finally came across on the internet the year he graduated from college. Not knowing exactly what age he graduated he's anywhere from 57-60; I'm 25. The idea that he was 50 was fine as we get along fine, but this new discovery is way too much for my comfort zone. He honestly looks 20 years younger, but that's beside the point. ANYWAY...I can't stop thinking about him, but how do I forget about him from a relationship-level? I want us to remain friends as I value his friendship deeply but feel a little uneasy about us dating. (Maybe that's why he's been ignoring me after we gazed in each other's eyes and flirting constantly with me over Christmas because he knows how old I am...on the other hand, even after knowing how old I am, he said the next time I'm in town we can just meet at his house). I still love him; he didn't screw with me or anything, which will make this even harder. I mean I guess with true love age is just a number, but this difference is a little too much for me...I was completely shocked when I found out. I really hope I haven't scared him away. I need advice!
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male
reader, tra40d  +, writes (31 January 2009):
 You are getting stressed about an uncertainty here - you don't KNOW how old he is, only going on an assumption from when he graduated.
Lots of academics graduate late and/or enter teaching late.
I was a College Lecturer, but only entered academe when I was 43 - I'm 65 now. As most of my students were in the 16-19 year range, it gave me a very young mind-set, too.
Similarly with him, I guess, being around young people for years.
I have lots of female friends from 19 upwards, some of whom I have dated - just forget your worries and give it a try.
So what if it isn't what you thought or expected? What have you lost?
You simply can't know what you might be losing if you don't go for it, do you?
Maybe a lifetime's happiness?
Hope that helped.
Ron.
A
male
reader, Leonardo  +, writes (31 January 2009):
The big question here is whether you are ready to challenge the traditional norms that our society has set up. In many other countries women and men marry each other with a large age difference. Since it is normal in the country where they live, nobody gives it much thought.The age difference can be beneficial to both of you. He has the enjoyment of being around someone who is youthful and impulsive - that will keep thinking and probably looking young a lot longer.You have a lot to gain as well - he probably has status and money to take you to places you may never see. You can live the life of a princess with jewelry, clothes and the love from a loving husband.It is a different lifestyle, that is all. It is not good, or bad, only different. If you are comfortable with it, that's all that should matter. However, as you know in the US large age differences in marriages are frowned upon. So you can expect people to talk behind your back. "TWO roads diverged in darkened woods, And sorry that I could not travel both. As a lone traveler a long time I stood, And looked down one as far as I could To where it hid in the overgrowth. "Then looked to the other, both were equally fair. One road having perhaps had better claim, For it was wide and showing wear, As though to be chosen by most passing there. Was this the road to bliss and fame? "The second road damp with dew that morning lay Narrow and green - few steps had trod that tack. Confused I pondered there a second day. Not knowing which road lead the better way, I doubted if I should ever come back. "I be telling this tale with an aging sigh After ages and ages I now can see: Two roads diverged in a woods, and I— I chose the road less traveled by, Making that choice has set me FREE."
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (31 January 2009):
 Falling for someone in a position of power is very comon and may seem like love, if not something close to love, and it can be very difficult to get that person out of your mind.
This person is no longer in a position where by a relationship would affect you or him at school/work but how comfortable you both might feel in public together would put a lot of pressure on and relationship or friendship - especially if finding out his actual age has freaked you out this much when nothing yet has actually occurred.
There is nothing to say that you can't be friends with this guy or go for lunch with him or anything but if it honestly makes you feel uneasy and you want to move on without taking that avenue of exploration then you really need to focus yourself on other activities, try just not to think about him or the situation - yes age is only a number and you really can't help who you love or want to be with but you have to also think of the implications that come with dating someone so much your senior such as children, the future, how many years you'll have together etc (im sorry, thats a little morbid but it has to be recognised).
How well do you even know the guy? Is he married, separated, have a lot of baggage or other things in his life that may cause complications?
If you're worried at all about anything being wrong with any relationship (not just this one) then it is always advisable to go with your gut instinct. If you are that freaked out by the age, stear clear, it will play on your mind and it may eat you up over time - i expect if he feels anything for you, he'll have the same problem with age but in reverse. Im sure he doesnt want to be seen as a cradle snatcher or a letch (even though there is nothing wrong in dating you, you're old enough to do what you want).
Maybe chill out about the situation, see if you can distance yourself a little bit emotionally and remember the grass isnt always greener on the other side but what will be will be - if you really can't move on, perhaps speak to him - a little conversation of truths goes a long way - maybe he isn't as old as you think, you never know.
Do what you think is best for you and go with your instinct.
Best wishes x
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (31 January 2009):
 Seriously? You were ok with 50 but not 60? No offense, but this guy is probably gonna pass away by the time you are 45 or so. Please, don't get me wrong, love is what it is. But age most certainly does matter in a lot of cases. His life experiences are miles ahead of you. And really, he has no business being with you. I know that some other people are gonna write and say that i'm stupid and that age makes no difference, but I bet they are very young and immature or old horny dudes. I'm not gonna say it NEVER works, but the odds are much against you and in my opinion are not worth it if you can help it.
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