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Telling him about a drunken mistake could cost our future together

Tagged as: Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 November 2010) 13 Answers - (Newest, 9 November 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I am 27 years old and been with my partner for nearly 7 years. Last year we were going through a really bad patch and arguing a lot. One night we went out with a few friends and we had all had some drugs and acholol. We have now distanced ourselves from these friends and dont go out with them anymore because we are saving up to build a happy life together.When we went back to our house with our friends there was a girl outside who was very drunk. I walked in the house with my friends and my partner stayed outside talking to this girl to see if she was ok. When I went outside the girl had her boob out and I automatically thought what the bloody hell have they been up to. Deep down I knew he wouldnt do anything because he isnt like that. Me and my partner had an argument and he left but my friend who was a girl stayed and my partners male friend stayed. My friend fell asleep on the couch n my partners mael friend kept trying to kiss me, i said no for ages but i ended up kissing him back, we then had sex for the whole of 2 second. throughout those 2 secs my mind was sayin no n just i was going to push him off and say no this isnt right he had alreday ejaculated. i started crying saying what have i done, he soon left. the following day i spoke to this friend and said i was going to have to tell him but he said no please dont. Every day since I can not stop thinking about it, we are talking about getting married now we have chnaged our whole live, we want children, but if i tell him thats it my whole future is ruined. I know what i have done is completley completely wrong but i am so in love and happy with him, We are both different people now and are really looking foward to our live togther, i know he will end it i just know n i will ruin the rest of my life. we have been trying for kids n want to get married. I cry alot about it but i think why ruin the rest fo my life for something that lasted 2 seconds?? please dont be to harsh on me, just advise please i cant feel any worse for what i did.

View related questions: drugs, drunk, ejaculate, kissing, want children

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A male reader, Odds United States +, writes (9 November 2010):

Odds agony auntTo find the strength, just ask yourself, what's more important to you, your reputation or your man? If the relationship is really all it should be, and worth your future, the answer should be obvious. You can fix the damage from this incident, you can't fix the moral harm of lying to him, or of letting him propose without knowing what he's getting into.

Do what's best for him, and what he deserves.

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A male reader, JayJay101 United States +, writes (9 November 2010):

we all make mistakes in life that's why life is a long road that we have to travel and also learn from our mistakes and to never repeat them i am pretty sure u want time to rewind so this would never have happened but it did and it seems like you are really sorry and hurt this ever happened. in my opinion i believe you should tell your fiance i think its absolutely the correct thing to do and its up to him if he forgives you or not but i don't think you should go by anybody else opinion but yours not anybody else so make that decision on your own not what anybody else tells you and don't let anybody else make u feel like a horrible person because we have all made mistakes especially the ones that act like they are on there moral high horse so just take your time and make that decision.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010):

"but he said no please dont"

This is another issue that you need to consider. This type of thing gives the "other man" (or in the case of another woman the "other woman") potential power in a relationship, because they have knowledge about the relationship that one of the primary partners does not...which is a violation of a serious long term relationship.

By telling, you eliminate their potential influences.

If you don't think this will happen, then think again. It does and can happen. I've been through this. You don't want to put your future spouse through it, believe me, tell him now.

You can't control what he will do, he may leave, most men do. He may come back. But, you can only do the right thing by him and let him be fully in the relationship or do the wrong thing and leave him in the dark (the dark that others know about).

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A female reader, Natalie:) United Kingdom +, writes (8 November 2010):

Natalie:) agony auntI think it's necessary to say that it's not you telling him that would jeopardise your future it's what you did that will. He deserves to know!! Don't wate his time let him know because it will come out one day.

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A male reader, serenity80 United Kingdom +, writes (8 November 2010):

I can feel you are genuinely remorseful.. I know you would never do it again. But I agree with LazyGuy.. Can you really ever live a happy life together whilst you have this big secret? If your boyfriend had done the same... had sex with another girl. Would YOU want to know? Doesn't HE deserve to know?

Have you thought about finding a counseling therapist and talk the issue through with them? They can probably help you more than this website can.

I know you've learnt your lesson but I'm curious.. you use the word friend to describe this man who pressured you in to sex.. He was just using you to get his end away, and didn't care about your feelings, or your boyfriend's. Friend?!?

I don't know you but I SINCERELY admire you if you do tell your boyfriend. I know if you do, there is the chance it would end your relationship BUT if you are in love and he is a forgiving person, it isn't impossible that he will forgive you. It will take time to repair such betrayal. It might seem like the end.. but maybe there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.. and maybe you will both be strong enough to work through this. Maybe, it might even make you stronger.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

I really appreciate you all taking the time out of your lives to help me I really do. Your comments have been great and very supportive thank you for not judging me. I feel alot of strengh from your kind words. How the hell do i get the strenght to tell him this? my partner is taking me away at xmas and i have a feeling he may propose then, i may be wrong, buit he will never propose if i tell him this now. he is so kind and lovely he is my best friend, fair enough he wasnt always as lovely as he is now, but we have always loved each other emmensely we grew up together. I just know how yo postion this and how the first word is going to come out of my mouth.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

I really appreciate what you are all saying and really appreciate you taking the time out of your life to help me. I swaer im trembling i dont want to hurt my best friend and gorgeous lovely funny boyfriend. You are all t=right though, i think about it on my way into work in my way home whenever im not busy. how the hell do i do this? xx thank you for your advic eon how to tell him, that another thing though, he has been friends with this person for so many years, im goping to break this friendship also. Please god i hope he fogives me but will he evr trust me again?

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A male reader, C. Grant Canada +, writes (8 November 2010):

C. Grant agony auntHon, I don't want to pile on here, but I do think the first answer is quite right on. If you try to keep the secret, you're setting yourself up to live in fear that he'll find out from someone else.

You're quite right that you're taking a risk by telling him now. I'm not sure I'd have been mature enough to deal with it at his age. But if that indescretion, and its disclosure, was 20 years in our past it wouldn't bother me a bit today.

And keep in mind that his friend has a good-sized share of the blame here. He took advantage of your being angry and impaired, and continued to pressure you despite your saying no. Yes, you gave in and that's not great, but it's a whole different thing than setting out to cheat, which you didn't do.

If you do decide to come clean, think it through before hand how you're going to present the news. Rehearse. Be calm. Start by saying, "there's something that I'm not proud of that I have to let you know about." Don't tell him you "had sex" with his friend -- if there wasn't penetration you didn't have intercourse. Do not let your b/f get the wrong idea. Do tell him that his friend took advantage of you, pushed you despite your saying no. And that you were pushing him away when he ejaculated. If you are honest, forthright but also smart about how you present the information, your b/f may very well be understanding. His friend, however, is going to get his ass kicked.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

If you don't tell him this secret is going to be with you for the rest of your life and will probably tarnish every good moment of your future together.

No one here should judge you and I can tell you are deeply, truly sorry for the mistake you made.

If your relationship is strong enough hopefully he can work through this with you. Show him this post if you have to- to show him how you were feeling and it really does show how sorry you are.

You can only be honest, tell him the basics of what happened and then its up to him how he reacts. Keep yourself calm and be prepared for him to shout, cry or walk off. It'll take a lot for him to overcome this but in the long run I personally think you owe the man you love the truth.

Good Luck X I hope you can take some of my comment, but its up to you ultimately X

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A male reader, Noslonomo United States +, writes (8 November 2010):

Was going to comment but LazyGuy said it all ... Go with Option C and do it soon if you want to possibly keep your relationship and not hate yourself for the rest of your life. The longer you wait the more he'll feel like he's been living a lie.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

First of all, he deserves to know and you need to thoroughly discuss what happened, why it happened, and all the surround issues.

This is going to be painful. However, this is not harsh, I hope it doesn't come across this way.

What is harsh is going onward in the relationship without clearing it all up and understanding what happened and dealing with all the guilt and damage later.

Drugs and alcohol can lead all of us to do things we wouldn't normally do. Some of us, particularly women and smaller sized men, are more susceptible to this.

Try this test: http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm

Also, take it seriously.

I know, I've been to 5 AA meetings in the last week that I'd rather never have needed to go to, but I need them...and I don't need anyone else to tell me that I need them either...and I don't drink but my wife did.

Finally,

"but if i tell him thats it my whole future is ruined",

This statement is not true.

Not telling him could lead you into a relationship of marriage that will never be what it could be if you enter it fully honestly and openly. You will never know what you missed, but you will have missed a lot, and if you ever find out what you missed you will regret it. Remember also, you have no control over what others will do and you are not the only one who knows this happened, better to tell him yourself rather than him find out from someone else when you have a house and two kids and bills to pay.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

I appreciate what your saying and thank you for your advice but im so scared, im crying thinking about it. Iv never done anything like that, I was off my head and i know thts not an excuse but i was just gonna push him of so it wasnt even like full intercourse. he will never ask me to marry him and i dont want his family to disrespect me either. We are best friends n i adore him, i dont know whether i can risk not having him in my life

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (8 November 2010):

LazyGuy agony auntOkay, you got three choices.

A: You don't tell. Lie for the rest of your life. Can you do it? If so, I would say that says a lot about you and your love.

B: You are found out some other way. Someone tells or you tell later on. Nothing you say then can ever be trusted again because once a liar, always a liar.

C: You tell. You cheated on him, that is bad. But while people hate being cheated, they hate being taken for a fool far more. What hurts most when someone else cheats is NOT the betrayel of trust itself so much but the fact that the other person, who you love and trust clearly thought you were a complete idiot who could easily be fooled by their lies.

THINK about this, if you buy something for say a tenner and find out it was a scam. What hurts most? Loosing ten bucks OR that someone thought "Hey, here is a sucker, lets fleece her for a quick buck, because she is so stupid she will never figure it out."

Oh, you are not trying to cheat him like that... just fool him into thinking you are someone you are not... see how nasty it can be?

But it isn't like that? No, but is how HE will react, how anyone reacts when they find out they been cheated on.

Option C at least restores your trustworthyness, shows you don't take him for a fool, that you value his honest trust in you more then holding up some fake image of yourself. He still will most likely be hurt, but at least it will be with honesty, rather then deception.

But of course, it is the hardest road... far harder then lying the rest of your life to a person you claim to love.

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