A
female
age
30-35,
*annahMar
writes:A little over a year ago my husband and I went on Tinder looking for another couple to have some fun with. We found a couple , texted back and forth in a group text and after a few weeks we finally met. We ended up switching partners and having sex in separate rooms. That happened a few times then we did things together as a group and stuff like that. It was only suppose to be a one maybe two time thing but it turned into a weekly thing and then the other guy and I started texting and talking to each other alone and then eventually meeting alone. It’s more then just sex and we talk a lot and have a lot in common. He recently told me he loves me and has asked me to leave my husband his only condition was he didn’t want to invite people into our bedroom. I didn’t realize how much I could care for someone besides my husband until I met this guy.But part of me wonders how replaceable I would be if another girl came along. Has anyone been in a similar position
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male
reader, Welltraveled  +, writes (23 March 2021):
OP, please disregard alot of what is written here. as none of these people have ever been involved in anything similar to what you are experiencing. their advice on how to deal with such is severely lacking. I have been in your situation as well as your husbands. if that helps at all.
What you are doing is cheating. Period. cheating doesn't occur when you have sex with someone else if it is within the agreed confines of your relationship. the relationship is yours and no one else's. Being so, it is unique in and of itself. your rules are allowed to be very different from others.
I have a lifelong friend who has been married for 24 years and they are required to call one another if either of them decides to spend more then $100 at any given time. doing so requires a 2 party consent. it is how it is and has always been. my wife of 18 years and I don't have the same rules or guidelines. does that mean his are wrong? are mine? Personally I don't want my wife to call me if she decides to spend a few hundred dollars. I feel that is a decision that she is qualified to make. the right answer is that both of these are right. because in both scenarios it happens within the agreed upon guidelines of our marriage.
What you are doing does not.
another example...
If you have an agreement not to talk behind each others backs and you do anyway. that is betrayal. if you are allowed to talk about each other in front of each other but not behind each others backs then don't do so or it is betrayal. very simple concept I think and although talking about one another is very different from sex the logic is the same.
I leave you with two very simple thoughts, you know what you are doing is wrong when you cant share it with your husband! its as simple as that. if you cant tell him what you are doing then you shouldn't be doing it.
Lastly just a little food for thought, I am willing to wager any amount of money, on the fact that your new guy and affair partner is lying through his teeth. you are vulnerable and he's a predator. he's simply telling you what you want to hear so he gets to continue to get what he wants. the easiest way to prove it is to have an honest conversation with his ex. Again, I will wager that the reason he is saying they split and the reason she will say that they split are not the same.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 February 2021):
 Yeah, Op there are certain lines you can cross but there are long lasting consequences. Things like swinging is one. Crime is another. Think if all the people you have heard of figuring they could make some fast money smuggling drugs... end they end up in some Turkish or Indonesian prison for life. You just CAN'T come back from that.
Can you reset your marriage? I don't think so. I actually think that is why it was so "easy" for you to get involved one-on-one with the other guy.
I think YOU really need to cut the new guy lose. Regardless of what happens in your marriage. Because this swinging thing/ deceit/betrayal will ALWAYS be the beginning how how you met. It will be that HUGE elephant in the room that everyone tries to ignore. And trust will be VERY hard to maintain.
As for your marriage. YOU have to figure out within yourself where it needs to go. End it or rebuild (if that is even possible). For me, personally, the marriage would ended the MOMENT my husband suggested swinging. I wouldn't have gone through with it. Because it's against EVERYTHING I believe in. Now, if HE wanted to be with other people, he would be FREE to do so, RIGHT after the divorce.
Unfortunately, YOU thought it would improve your marriage instead of working on whatever the ROOT of your issues were. There are SO many other ways to "spice" up the sex life than screw other people. Ya know?
I also think you need to talk to your husband. I think he NEEDS to know how this experience made you feel.
Life is full of lessons, I'm sorry this was one of yours.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 February 2021):
Maybe you need to be polyamorous? What you're doing is obviously not okay because you're violating your husband's trust. And I don't think you know this guy well enough to risk your marriage for him do you?
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A
female
reader, HannahMar +, writes (24 February 2021):
HannahMar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has actually already left his gf months ago. He didn’t like the idea of swinging and she didn’t want it to end so he left. He said that the only way he would ever be in another relationship if it was 100% monogamous
As for my husband we don’t look at each other the same, I don’t think our marriage will ever be the same again. Ever time we have sex I picture him with her, ever time he touched me I wonder why he would let another man have sex with me . Yes I know I agreed to it but now that it’s done I regret it. I cry almost daily because I feel like we threw our whole relationship away.
I hate myself for agreeing and ask myself why I let it happen.
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A
female
reader, HannahMar +, writes (22 February 2021):
HannahMar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBelieve me I never once thought my marriage would be like this ever ! I have never cheated or even considered it before this. We solved some problems by adding excitement and I fully regret it. If I could go back in time I would. We don’t look at each other the same way and it has caused a lot more problems in our marriage then it was worth. just like one of you said “what kind of man let’s someone else fuck his wife” when I look at him that’s what I ask myself , I feel less loved, less admired and just all around worthless. I feel like a complete whore. When we have sex I picture him with her. Every time he looks at another girl I question my worth and our marriage. It was his idea to add to add another couple. As for the other man, he has already left his gf months ago, he didn’t like the swinging lifestyle and she didn’t want to stop. He said the only way he would be interested in a relationship with me if it was 100% monogamous. I agree we don’t know each other well enough to plan a future but I also don’t feel like I know the man I married anymore. We don’t talk about what we did because honestly I think we are both ashamed we did it. I’d love to have my marriage the way it was but I don’t think that possible.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2021): TBH I don't know much about swinging such as how wide spread it is or what kind people go for it etc etc.. so I did some research on the UT frankly I couldn't bear researching much as I found what I saw extremely disturbing and revolting. the feeling I got is almost in all what I saw is the husband is in charge of things and is the more confident and willing partner while the wife ashamed and hesitant of the affair.
In this particular case I suppose if the guy is not married he can simply dump his gf for you but you are married you will have a legal battle in your hand to get a divorce. Anyway frankly I think that will be the best thing to do. Divorce this husband who doesn't mind sharing you with other men as long as he can get to a fresh vagina each time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 February 2021):
Yikes all around.
I know there has been a push for more "openness" in sexual matters, of "sharing" partners, having more partners etc. since the 1960's and with that... there has also been a rise in divorces and single mothers (and fathers) and of grandparents raising the children while the actual parents are busy "partying".
What I don't get is WHY enter into a MARRIAGE when you want more than one partner. A marriage is an agreement under God (and/or) the Law to "bind two people together" to RAISE a family together. THAT is marriage.
Why marry? Why not JUST stay single or in a relationship IF you feel a NEED to include OTHER people into your beds?
I know my thinking might sound really old fashioned, specially today world where anything goes, but I just don't get it. I am sure you will say, oh we are not religious so it's "just a piece of paper". Then it makes even LESS sense to marry!
So you marry a dude whom you say you love. Then you (pardon for being blunt) FU@K around with OTHER people and then fall in love with another dude who claims he also LOVES you.
Ok, what is the next step? Divorce your husband? Date this new guy? Who claims to want monogamy but OBVIOUSLY you meet through ARRANGED sexual meetings!
HOW can you trust him?
He might want YOU to not sleep around but does that mean HE won't?
And let's say you divorce and start seeing this guy. Your new relationship will be build on lies. On deceit. Because you DID and you ARE deceiving your husband with regards to this guy. He is deceiving his GF.
Funny that he ASKS you to divorce your husband, YET has he left his GF yet? My guess is no. In case you don't leave your husband HE will still have her...
You have to decide WHAT kind of a person you want to be going forward.
YOU have to decide WHAT you want going forward.
You reallllllly don't know this new guy all that well. You know him from having sex with him and some texting, and hanging out. It's NOT hard for a complete ASSHAT to put on a "nice" façade and say sweet nothings and come off as sincere. NOT hard at all. You might be ending a marriage for nothing. For a guy who is NOT as great of a guy as you may think.
And then there is your husband. What kind of man wants to share his wife sexually? I can tell you what kind. The kind who wants to FU@K other women. Which means if you stay, he will probably suggest more swinging. So HE can FU@K other people. What happens when HE meets a women who just DOES IT for him? Who he can see himself being monogamous with? You can't even trust him.
You and your husband F'd up your marriage. For what? A bit of "strange" on the side?
Think about who you are, who you want to be.
Do you want to be an honest and trustworthy person?
Do you want a healthy relationship/marriage?
Do you want a family & kids down the line?
How do you think that work with swinging?
What do you see a marriage as? What does it mean to you?
You don't mention ANYHWERE how you think might affect your spouse, it's all about "me, myself and I."
You got some thinking to do...
We can't fix your mess.
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A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (22 February 2021):
 I have not been in a similar position, but this is classic text book stuff as to what happens when you introduce a third party, or another couple into your relationship/marriage.
There are so many posts that come through dear cupid asking if its a good idea introducing other people into the relationship, and the answers are always it's a very bad idea because it can spell the end of a relationship/marriage when people start to develop feelings that are stronger than their own partner.
I know you are not writing in asking if this is a good idea, because you have already done it, and already peoples feelings are at stake, and love is already being declared.
How replaceable would yo be if another woman came along?. Very replaceable I should imagine, as he is considering leaving his partner for you.
Alternatively, how safe would he be if another man came along, as you are effectively doing the same thing he is doing.
I suppose the only positive is he said he never wanted to invite others into the bedroom. Would you be ok with this.
I think the damage has been done now, you can't unscramble scrambled eggs. If the feelings for this new guy are reciprocated then be upfront and honest with your husband and leave him.
Of ditch the new guy, and carry on with your husband, letting this be a lesson that introducing third party's in the bedroom can often lead to unnecessary compications.
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