A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This Christmas my boyfriend's family have very kindly invited us (me and my two children) to their house for 3 days. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years and he is really great with my two boys,and he is a fantastic dad to his own daughter who he sees regularly. This sounds so picture perfect and it is. But now my boys dad has kicked us a fuss because we will be 200 miles away at Christmas, and he won't see the boys over the few days. Normally I wouldn't mind and say no oh course, we will stay here but he only sees them when he feels like it and my boys don't even like going to his house for their once a month sleepover. I encourage them to go because it's important they have a relationship with him. Last Christmas, my boyfriend stayed with us and this meant he only saw his daughter over new year, and this year his ex had agreed we could have her over Christmas if we stayed in my boyfriend's hometown so she would get to see her on the day. Which was perfectly fine. Normally my ex doesn't see my boys over Christmas, he just drops in for a few hours the next day with presents from him and his family. I've offered to drive back on boxing day so he can still do that but he is telling the boys I'm taking them away so he cant get them anything this Christmas. My boys are 7 and 9 so they understand that this isn't true but I know they are upset by all this and I don't want to ruin their Christmas. They say they want to spend it with their 'sister' but don't want their dad to be lonely. I feel like I'm stuck. I don't want to make my boys sad, which I think I will either way and I don't want my boyfriend to spend another Christmas without his daughter, but I know he won't go without us. (The reason why he wouldn't last year). I feel no matter what I do I will hurt someone. Suggestions?
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (27 November 2016):
 I don't mean to change the subject, but I find the behaviour of both these Ex's infuriating, but more so the Bf’s Ex. How is it you’re perfectly fine when Bf’s Ex dictates the terms of how he’s to have his daughter? Yet when it comes to your Ex you conveniently smear his efforts as it doesn’t measure up to what others do with their child? Your Ex although he’s an idiot for saying what he said… he is still endeavoring to see his boys, yes he’s slack but not a complete deadbeat from what you’ve written.
To be perfectly encouraging, and fair each family would take Xmas in turns. Your Bf’s Ex had their daughter last Xmas, did she not? So why can’t he be entitled to have his daughter stay wherever with him over Xmas this year? Conveniently and coincidentally this year it’s in his home town.
I’m aware Xmas is especially a sensitive time for any Dad who’s separated from their children (and vice versa)… even for those Dad’s whom just drop in for a few hours the next day with presents from him and his family.
I’d like to see what is fair for all concerned so there’s no need for these 2 game playing Ex’s to kick up a fuss or that the wee cherubs feel their Dad lonely or miss out on seeing their sister or your Bf see his daughter only over New Year.
From experience; perhaps and since it is you who has written here, you could suggest to your Bf about having alternate Xmas… Both Ex’s and the wee cherubs will then have a whole year; 364 days to get used to this fair arrangement. This means his Ex is to let go of her home town conditions.
Of all the Adults it appears your Bf’s Ex is the one who’s most unreasonable; “we could have her over Christmas if we stayed in my boyfriend's hometown.” Now that’s a bribe!?
Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 November 2016):
 Aww bless your boys they have hearts off gold. Yes off course they don't want to see there dad lonely. They are so innocent and sweet. He is just being awkward and wanting to paint you as the bad guy. Explain to your boys that santa will be coming to your boyfriends house for them and that daddy won't be lonely. Shame on him for bribing his kids. I would say if he sees them every year then it might not be fair taking them away but it sounds like he does not make an effort with them as it is so who is he to make demands? Go and have your perfect day, your boyfriend sounds like a good role model for them. It will be nice all three kids spending time together. Once a month seeing his kids is just a joke. Follow your heart and what is best for all off you. Your ex is just heartless and selfish.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (24 November 2016):
 Your ex, as you know, is an arsehat!
Remind your children that their Dad didn't see them last Christmas and that he wasn't lonely because he was with (list them!) Granny and Aunt Lucy and Uncle Mick and Sandy and Fred etc. Tell them he will be with them again this year, and it doesn't sound all that lonely does it.
Tell them if Daddy can't get them a present then they can make him something extra special to make up for it (like an A3 size card or something).
Don't be blackmailed and bullied by your ex, just keep reassuring your kids that their dad will be okay and let your ex know that he can have his children overnight for next Christmas. (He probably wont be interested).
I hope it all goes well, and that everybody, you, your boyfriend, his daughter and your sons have a truly magical time.
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