A
male
age
51-59,
*ate2051
writes:I am 40 and married to a 53 year old woman. I love her. She has since the beginning of our marriage... roughly seven years ago... never really accepted my love for her...held herself back from me... been distant... and this last year i became involved in an affair with a woman my age. I fell completely in love with this woman and have never related more with another person in my life. She feels the same. I am also a Christian who believes that first.. i shouldn't have cheated on my wife... and second.. you shouldn't divorce except for adultery...I love this woman and am struggling with whether or not to leave my wife for her. Thank you for your answers.
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affair, cheated on my wife, christian, divorce Reply to this Question
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male
reader, nate2051 +, writes (4 January 2011):
nate2051 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for your answers...i currently intend to take about 30 days separate from both of them to "find myself" and hopefully figure out what i really want and then be open and honest with all.... this is soooo hard and I soooooo appreciate you sharing... if you would share more i would really appreciate it...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): Do what God expects of you as a husband in a Christian marriage. Let's face it, temptation wouldn't be temptation if it wasn't tempting. But the choice to yield to the temptation is what must be examined deep within yourself.For the sake of this 'connection' that you formed while married to your wife, you have committed adultery, lied, deceived, stolen, and used. One temptation leading to a thousand sins. A thousand choices to defy God's law.That is the nature of temptation, sir. Christ himself had to fight temptation. Every living, breathing soul on this earth must decide for themselves. They must decide who they are and which camp they are in when the herd is culled. Are we facing an end time? Well, whether Revelations predicts and end to this world or an ascension ... only time will tell.Your temptation was this woman and your desires. In exchange, you created a cascade of persistent acts of heartlessness. The illusion is that you have convinced yourself that you have sinned for a good purpose because the temptation feels so good. But what if temptation is merely a test of character and an opportunity for you to show your true colors if the payoff was grand enough. Even Job was tested ... however he was tested in the reverse...As a society we mask things. We cover them up and color them whatever way we like so that we do not have to face what is deep inside of us. Perhaps your Christian values were put to the test. God asks more of you than to create adultery... and then to seek divorce for the very act you created.What if everything on this earth plane is merely a stage? What have you uncovered about your true self? What have your temptations revealed? The darkness that resides with is on this earth knows precisely... with the precision of a surgeon's scalpel... how to get to our Achilles heel. It has found yours.Now, you must live according to God's laws and see your choices as your own... own them... and either make it right... or continue.It is really that simple.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 January 2011):
I think the kindest thing you can do is get divorced from your wife. She's clearly not a happy woman deep down, and maybe has been through a lot in her life. She doesn't need the added problem if knowing that you were having an affair too. So, the best thing to do here is to divorce her so you're both free to move on.
As for being a Christian, well, we all make mistakes and if there is a God, hopefully he's kinder than we are. I'm pretty sure, though, that he'll be angrier if you stay with your wife and continue to cheat and live a lie, than if you leave and never make the same mistake again.
The right thing here is to leave your wife.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 January 2011):
I think the kindest thing you can do is get divorced from your wife. She's clearly not a happy woman deep down, and maybe has been through a lot in her life. She doesn't need the added problem if knowing that you were having an affair too. So, the best thing to do here is to divorce her so you're both free to move on.
As for being a Christian, well, we all make mistakes and if there is a God, hopefully he's kinder than we are. I'm pretty sure, though, that he'll be angrier if you stay with your wife and continue to cheat and live a lie, than if you leave and never make the same mistake again.
The right thing here is to leave your wife.
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A
female
reader, !!Sophie!!  +, writes (3 January 2011):
I think you should definatly leave your wife. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Chickita  +, writes (3 January 2011):
Hi nate2051Well, where do I begin? Firstly Im also Christian, and can somewhat relate to the question you ask - from the "other womens" perspective.I think the first question to ask is - are you happy in your marriage, minus the new love/other women? Basically do you still intend to spend the rest of your life with your wife, when u answer the above questions forget about the new women for a second.I caution you to forget about the new women when making this decision because new love/an affair is always "better" - great sex, great chemistry, you relate better, you connect on a spiritual and emotional level - everything is perfect. The way you've always wanted it. Why? because forbidden fruit always tastes nicer, and you and the new lady are in the honeymoon phase, both on your best behaviour only because you cherish every second together (you're afraid that she might get back to her senses and "suddenly" decide to leave, and she's afraid that you'll go back to your wife), everyday could be your last, you just never know. Reality is a foreign concept in such romances...I know, I've been the other women although it wasnt to a married man - he was committed elsewhere though, its all the same, isnt it.If you dont see yourself with your wife 10 years from now...and are completely unhappy, then maybe you should re-evaluate why you're still married to her. Whats key here, is that the other women shouldnt be the reason you're leaving or thinking of leaving - you're decison should be based on you, where you see your life going and whether or not you are currently happy and see yourself aging with your current wife. The other women isnt a factor - there's no guarantee you guys will work out and you could meet someone else who makes you even happier. Christianty has rules that dictate how a model citizen should live and behave. God sent Jesus to forgive us for not living the "model" life...my view. Once you've taken time away from both women to make your decision - what ever that is - God will love and forgive you still. Warning: the other women may leave you if you choose to go with her and leave your wife, yep she may - why? Cause when reality sets in, and you are no longer forbidden fruit, and the honeymoon phase is over - she's gonna take one good long look at you and wonder if you'll do to her what you did to your wife? Yep, she will...she'll question if you're relationship material and whether she really wants a serious committed realtionship with you, yep she will...who knows what the outcome of that will be Worst case scenario, you'll loose her and your wife. Its important that you dont base your decision on the realtionship you have with the new women. and if you stay with your wife, well, you both will have to seek counselling. She's already withdrawn, you've betrayed her and she probably feels that she was "right" all along, that you confirmed her suspicions. That trust and relationship has been completely compromised. She might decide to leave you - even though you've decided to keep her. Marriage comprises of two people - remember that. The fact that you'll want to stay doesnt mean she wont leave, even if its not today.Either way, it'll be a difficult journey...cheating never has a genuinely true happy ending. You will suffer the consequences of cheating irrespective of which women you opt for...no doubt.Take a couple of days away to think about your life and where it's headed, pray that you may be guided and granted wisdom as you make this decision. Then communicate your decision to both women.All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): Perhaps she held back all this time bec she feared you would rip her life apart, you will cheat and you will leave her. She did not have to look into a crystal ball to see her future. All her fears and concerns were not actually unfounded bec you have done exactly that.So called Christians always try to justify their cheating and they use the Holy book to their advantage. Being a Christian or any other religion should not be a concern. A lot of people here on DC say -I am a good person. I am a decent person. But that very person rips their better halves lives to piece and it leaves me wondering, where is that good, decent person:e/she claims to be.In Church yesterday our pastor spoke about the man/woman in the mirror. That person looking back at us has to account for our lives. Sadly we sometimes cannot.LoveGirl
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