A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in love with a guy and I know that he's in love with me too (don't want to bore you with details).We are both married (he has kids) and work together. So it is totally inappropriate. We never acted on it and I never plan to act on it. I really respect the fact that he has never crossed the line. I am not saying that I would do anything, it's just that it shows what kind of a man he is. I applied for a job transfer (it's sort of a promotion) and I will hopefully get it. In the meantime, I started looking for other job opportunities. I've never told anyone about it (not even my closest friends) as I don't want to "feed" the feeling and I basically try to suppress it. I don't let myself think about him let alone dwell on "what ifs". Not that it doesn't happen.But... the feeling is here. And I am not talking just about the desire, but the longing to get to know him and simply be with him. I've never fallen for anyone like this since I got married 16 years ago and it's hard. I feel that there is something wrong with me, even though I try to do the right thing. My marriage is not flawless. I know that I've been missing certain things, but nobody's perfect and I am grateful for what we have.I just wish I could do something more to not feel the way I do about this guy. I have no illusions about him. I do not idealize him. Trouble is I really like him the way he is (and I have seen him in all sorts of situations).Any advice?I know I sound rational, but right now I feel like my heart is breaking. Truth is, if we were both single, I have no doubt that we'd give each other a chance. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (6 May 2016):
 It will 100% help to get out of that job. I have had two similar situations (although I was not married--one of the times I was in a relationship, and the other I was in a relationship and he was married) and it was physically painful not to be around the person, even though I both loved and dreaded being around the person because of how much I felt towards them. In the end, full separation and just not seeing them helped so much. The second time this happened to me, it took months to get over. Almost a full year. Do your best to cut him out completely. Sounds like you're already pretty good at that. But if he's on your social media, I'd get rid of him there, too. Know that the feeling will not last forever, just like other forms of grief and loss of a person. You may not forget, but it gets more manageable.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2016): Thank you so much for your answers and your support anonymous and femmenoir! It really means a lot.
I know he's in love with me because he told me so (one of the details I didn't want to bore you with). But I do know that in our case that is not enough. Life is complicated. He has his own obligations and I have mine.
Maybe I was hoping it'll pass, maybe I was hoping to get a transfer sooner... I wasn't prepared for these feelings to last that long.
Thank you for reminding me of the importance of the control of one's thought process.
The image of the beach and the hidden misery is so powerful...
Thank you all again!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2016): I admire your honesty. I think you sound too hard on yourself. You sound in touch with your emotions and choose not to act. This is what separates you from those who cheat and create untold misery from the fallout of their selfish impulsions. When married people have affairs it often is not the fantasy escapism they build up in their mind. The milk soon turns sour.Its like looking forward to that amazing long haul beach holiday. You arrive and the beaches and sunsets are out of this world. You are on an incredible high. Then bit by bit the poverty distracts you. The reality sets in. You keep noticing those young girls draped around creepy tourists and squirm. Every day you puzzle at those same emaciated dogs chained up in the heat with no shelter. It can soon turn sour.See yourself as human, flaws and all. Accept your situation as a crossroads in life. Carry on down the road of, "what and if", and it soon becomes "when and where."Take the fork of realisation and it becomes "could have" but "didn't"Take pride in the person you are and that you have the strength to be true to yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (2 May 2016):
 Hi,
the fact is exactly as you've mentioned very clearly.
Yes, this man is married, has been for a long while now and he also has a family.
You may love him and you may assume he loves you too, but i can almost guarantee that it's only infatuation on his part and nothing more.
I am glad that you have come to the important realisation that he is totally off bounds and off limits to you, as he is married and most probably happily.
You are in full control of your own thoughts, so always remember this.
You are aware that you cannot have this man, you are aware that you would never cross the line and you are in the midst of trying to find a new job, all of which are great and will definitely help you to get over these feelings that you are feeling.
Time will help and time will heal. You may never forget him completely, nor do you have to, but you have to accept that you cannot be with him, for you know that this isn't the right thing to do.
Look at it like this.
If you were not interested in anybody and you found out that another woman was very keen on your husband, or if you found out that another woman really liked your husband and even started flirting with him, how would you feel?
I know you are not flirting, because you've not stated this, but you have admitted to being in love with this guy.
This is a fantasy that is playing out in your mind.
A fantasy in which you really like a man, yet you know and accept that you both cannot be together, because you're both married and he has children to his marriage.
It's just like forbidden love.
You must be in full control of your mindset and your feelings pertaining to this man.
Again i repeat.
Do not assume that he really likes you too, certainly not in love with you.
How can you make such a serious claim?
Has this man actually looked you in the eyes and declared his love for you?
If not, then he is not in love with you and the quicker you come to the realisation that this thought is your thought alone, the better you will be.
I would say the fact that you are in love with him and you think he's in love with you, is quite disrespectful of you, because as you and he are both married and within committed unions, you ought know better.
Be strong, be focused, be realistic and know that this is just your thought process, it's an impossible situation and you can get through this and instead focus on what's truly important. YOUR OWN MARRIAGE.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2016): Thank you so much Honeypie!We don't text or see each other outside work. But our work is somewhat unusual. For several months a year we do fieldwork outside office, which means sharing an apartment and working from morning to late afternoon out of town (more often than not somewhere in the country). After I usually find something else to do that does not involve him. But in a way we live together for a couple of months a year. Sometimes, but very rarely, some of our colleagues would join/visit us. My husband visits very rarely as his otherwise engaged. His wife has visited us only once and found a whole thing too uncomfortable. Sometimes his kids would come and stay for a week or so if they're on a holiday.So, that's why I think that for me it is the key to change my job...
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 May 2016):
 I don't think it's entirely uncommon for this to happen. The fact that you both haven't acted on it is (IMHO) a good thing.
What I would suggest is you starting to nip it in the bid EVERY TIME you think of him or the "what if's".
And you start having a weekly or by-weekly date or family night so you can reemerge yourself in your family and your marriage.
Truth is.. that IF you were single you'd give it a go. BUT you are not. And there is NO certainly that you and the co-worker would EVEN work out as a couple. One thing is the "fantasy" another is reality. And reality is, you are both married, both committed to other people, partners who DOESN'T deserve being a lower priority than some co-worker crush.
So if you two talk/text ( non work related) stop it. If you two spend time together (like go for lunch) stop it. OVER all minimize the amount of time you DO spend with each other and focus on what's REAL.
It happens that a person catches feeling while in a relationship or marriage, that in itself is not at all a "unnatural or bad" thing and it DOESN'T make you a bad person - it is what DO with those feeling that determine what kind of person you are. And you BOTH seem to have a backbone, which means you know it's not a good idea and maybe THAT will also help you let go of those feelings.
Also... for a few minutes PUT yourself in your husband's shoes. HOW do you think HE would feel knowing that you are pining after someone else instead of making your partner and kids the FOCUS?
...............................
|
