A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HiI need advice as i have no one to confide inMy husband had a year an a half affair with a workmate 5 years ago. We did not have sex very often because of me, i was suffering depression after my children and i think he felt regected and very sad about this.He would be out late all the time but i trusted him completly and never suspected.Until i found a txt message which i still thought there would be a justifyable reason for it but he confessed. I felt stabed in the heart he finished it by text to her and we worked on our marrage .it took about 2 years for me to feel i trusted him again. I thought we were soild, best friends , lovers again .Then i found more txts from both of them , meeting in the morning when i was at work very sexual content 3 years on. He said it was over and they were old texts but he was sometimes txting her after this split when drunk. The worst one i cant get out of my head was 'im still comming but not as exciting as u'I am now another 2 years on from this but cant stop crying about it.I thought we were best friends, and so close she could not harm our family again.Will i ever feel better, can i trust him?He does appear to be trying hard.But i just am at a loss.
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male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (15 October 2010):
 This is indeed so sad. The first point I would like you to consider is that none of what happened is your fault. A real good man, an understanding and loving husband, would not cheat on his wife under any circumstances. You were suffering from depression, which meant you needed all kinds of support, and I believe he should have helped you through this, instead of looking elsewhere for sex.
Next, the phone. I have to admit that I am not a huge fan of people snooping on someone else's phone, or computer. I think that no good ever comes from that sort of behaviour. Having said that, whats done is done, you found some texts and he caved in. 3 years later, there are more texts. Like everyone else, I have a lot of total rubbish in my phone, but I do not have 3 year old texts. Who keeps a TEXT for 3 years? WHY keep a text for 3 years?? He is blatantly lying by saying those were old texts.
You really need to decide how you want to go on from here. Do you want to forgive him? Do you want to make your marriage work? It's all about what YOU want. He has little or no say at the moment, if you are going to find a level of trust again. There are certain things that you need to be satisfied about. Like that he isnt meeting her in the mornings. Like all the texts are gone, along with her number. Like nothing is going on at work. You need to be convinced that he is past all that. HE needs to convince you, and change his life, even leave the workplace for a similar role elsewhere. He needs to put the family first, second, third and fourth.
Men cheat because the opportunity arises, and they think they can get away with it. You must be sure that if the opportunity arose again, he will not even consider it. Talk to him, tell him your fears, your doubts, and your demands. TELL him he needs to regain your trust. YOU have done nothing wrong.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): Telling you they were old texts that you found, sounds a bit made up. Why would he keep texts on his phone for years. He has proved he cant be trusted by cheating for such a long time. Then keeping it going after you found out. When someone gets caught out and they are genuinely sorry. They will move heaven and earth to prove it. They dont generally continue contact with the third party. Its hard rebuilding trust once. Let alone twice, as you are trying to do. Try asking for a break. Let him pursue this woman. It wont be half as exciting once no one cares what hes up to. And i think with him out of the house, you can concentrate on making yourself happy. Youve done nothing wrong and shouldnt have to spend years crying. Its bad for your health and anyone that truly cared about you, wouldnt have put you through that once, let alone twice. He made the decision over and over, that his sexual gratification was more important to him than you. Trying to settle for that, wont make you happy x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): Get professional counseling help.
Also, think about the drugs and alcohol involvement in your family life.
http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm
Good people do terrible things under the influence when the very things they inhibit from happening are no longer inhibited.
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A
female
reader, elite123  +, writes (15 October 2010):
i am sorry you are so sad. but please remember "this too shall pass"! honestly, i would pack my bags and move on. if he did it once... learn to forgive. twice??? that is insane. you deserve to be happy. you only have one life. living it with someone who clearly does not respect you will not make you happy. are you independent? do you have a job? kids? what is keeping you with him other than fear of losing him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): It is so sad. And it will only get sadder if you do not get over it. You need to make a decision. Forgive and work along with him to repair this badly damaged trust, or forgive and move on. I think not forgiving is not an option as it will only burn you up in the long run. You will make yourself suffer longer if you refuse to forgive. If you feel this relationship is worth it, work on it. If not, move on. Take it more matter of factly, forget the emotions for now, they are not helping you. You cannot pull your weight to repair the marriage if you have not healed yourself. Go and get help if you need it. It can be very healing to just talk it over out loud with someone and you often can sort out a lot when you verbalize it. You are worth healing yourself and you need to do so whatever choice you make.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (15 October 2010):
 unfortunately even though you have forgiven him this doesn't mean you can entirely trust him all at once.
He is going to have to rebuild the trust, this is his fault not yours.
This will take time but if he is dedicated to you and you see his change you will start to love him and trust him all over again.
I wish you both Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, stingbat +, writes (15 October 2010):
hi there u sound in so much pain. its bad to think that you feel like youve moved on so far only 2 hit a bick wall and go 2 steps bac. u have to speak to you husband honestly and see wot he feels about this relationship and where its heading. being drunk doesnt give him free reign to txt explicit stuff to a woman he had an affair with and why did he still have her number?. i think you need to have a good look in ur heart as why u still want him around you and your family after that much time you should have drawn a line in the sand and moved on. obviously u havent and obviously there are still difficulties in your relationship. your not ova the betayal and he hasnt helped you move on, seek professional help i u can. otherwise he needs to help this situation himself by giving up his mobile fone, u checkin his mileage etc until u feel reassued its ok. but a word of warning dont do it to much cuz he will run for the hills if you do
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