A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing my boyfriend for around 10 months. We’ve known each other off and on since we were kids and we’re surprised when we both realised we’d liked each other for so long.Unfortunately when we met he had a girlfriend and I don’t need to go into detail but we did wrong and both of us admitted this. And we’ve never done anything like that before, as soppy as it sounds and of course it’s no excuse, but we fell in love.Anyway I’m an insecure person and get quite worried that he will lose interest in me, he’s given me no reason to think that. But one thing we’ve discovered is the impact of social media and apps on our relationship, like he has so many friends and lots of female friends who like his posts. But the main issue is Snapchat. We used it at the beginning but both said we never bothered using it with anyone else. I noticed his score (I know snooping) went up a few weeks ago and this confused me as he’d said he didn’t use it so I calmly asked and he denied using it, which was a lie. He quickly apologised for lying and said he’d received a pic from a girl he use to talk to years ago. A picture of where she lives in another country. He has since deleted Snapchat saying it’s not worth causing problems in our relationship over. But I know feel wary and unsure. Am I being irrational?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (20 June 2020):
He’s never given you any reason to think he would cheat on you. I mean other than that time he cheated on his ex, with you. And lying to you about his phone app.
Still without trust a relationship can’t survive. You two need to sit down and have a long talk about boundaries and expectations. Perhaps see a couple’s counselor to help you work thru your trust issues
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 June 2020):
 I forgot to add that it's NOT the app that is the issue, I think you know that.
If you plan on staying together and make this work (regardless how of how it started) you TWO need to talk about boundaries and trust.
If he had MANY friends and many female friends that he chatted to on social media, you can't really expect him to do a 180 and not talk to anyone but you, now that you are dating. After all you FELL for who he WAS, but maybe what you really fell for what the IDEA of him. This chatty and friendly guy. It's a very different story when you are dating to have a partner who is "chatty and friendly" to everyone.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (19 June 2020):
 The way that your relationship started has contributed to your feelings of insecurity because you know how you got your man so you'd hate to have to lose him the exact same way. I'm sure he also did not give his ex any reason to doubt him but he DID betray her after all. You know what he's capable of, and that's what's got you stressing. This, in turn has you playing detective and snooping because in reality, you really don't trust him and you're scared that he may have the opportunity to get to know someone else like he did, you, while he was still with his ex.
With regards to social media. To each their own. Your feelings surrounding social media are a direct result of your many fears surrounding your relationship. The fact of the matter is that you can't keep your eye on your partner all day, every day so needless to say, if he wants to cheat on you, he WILL and won't need your permission to use social media to do so. Social media isn't and has never been the problem. It's deeper than that. Until you learn to trust him, you will look at every single thing side-eyed. If you really cannot learn to trust him then is it worth it being with him and stressing every two seconds? You know that this is deeper than social media and you need to address the basis on which your relationship started or you will never be okay in the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2020): Oh, the irony of ironies! You're insecure, but met your boyfriend when he had another girlfriend. So, does that mean the relationship was established on the unstable-foundation of cheating? The honest answer is...yes! Don't worry, I'll be kind to you. I will educate you, but my way is honest and frank.
Girlfriend, you set yourself up!!! It's like you sabotaged the situation to have a predictable outcome. Almost self-destructive! You know he is an affirmed-cheater, you have and are the evidence. Through self-fulfilling prophesy, you sought a relationship with a man capable of cheating on you. You don't just wonder if he will cheat, but when?
The heart can be so cruel! It wants what it wants; even if what it wants belongs to somebody else! This looks like a case of "you reap what you sow." Yet, it goes a bit deeper than what we see on the surface.
You knew you'd never completely trust him; but you also settled for a romantic-connection that has a built-in self-destruct device. You must have been hurt a lot; so you chose a guy who is obviously untrustworthy, because maybe you just assume all your relationships will tragically end. Maybe you just enjoy the drama?
How do you handle it? Are you being irrational? My question is...are you surprised???
Sweetheart, take it day by day. A known-cheater often resorts to their old tactics; but some do reform. It is yet to be determined which situation you are in; but snooping has now triggered the drama and ominous-possibility that you've always expected from day-one. If he cheated on her, the odds are high that he'd also cheat on you! The hypocrisy is that you were also complicit in the cheating on his ex-girlfriend. Now he has to trust you to some extent.
Repeat-cheaters suffer from a disabled-conscience. An over-developed sense of entitlement. Now you've become a first-offender. Inadvertently, and somewhat by choice. You thought you were following your heart. You sidestepped his girlfriend in the process. All is not lost, if you've learned your lesson. If you have some sense of remorse. We all make mistakes, and redeem ourselves by not repeating those mistakes. Let anybody without sin, cast the first stone!
Ride it out as long as it doesn't hurt you. There are telltale-signs that it will likely hurt you.
Don't allow past failed-relationships to make you believe love is not real; or you will never have one that will succeed. Thus being reckless with your heart, and acting out of character. You threw caution to the wind; and yet you know all the possible pitfalls of giving your heart to someone you know is capable of cheating. Maybe guys cheating on you happened before unbeknownst to you. In his case, you are both an eye-witness and a co-conspirator. Now your insecurity lead you to snooping, and you've opened the Pandora's box. You didn't breakup a marriage; but it doesn't make what you did to his girlfriend any better. She ended-up broken-hearted. Broken-hearted people deserve our empathy. Everybody knows how it feels!
My dear, you made this bed; now you gotta lie in it. You have to have a real heart-to-heart talk. You have to express your insecurities about the integrity and durability of your relationship; but you have to give him a tiny bit of trust; then see if he will sincerely earn any more of it.
Next time, don't let passions and hormones overrule your commonsense.
If you know you have insecurities; I suggest you work on them before you get yourself involved in self-destructing relationships through self-sabotage. If you don't believe love is real, and you don't really trust men; then you have to work on the insecurities that fuel those trust-issues. Even if it means seeking professional-counseling; and staying away from committed-relationships until you can trust yourself to believe love is real, and you actually deserve it. You do deserve it, and you also deserve better than this.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (18 June 2020):
 P.S. Deleting the offending app is a grand gesture but means nothing. He can easily reinstate it. Or use different apps for the same purpose. Or even get a secret mobile so that his "legit" mobile has no evidence of anything untoward on it. Don't be so naive.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (18 June 2020):
Interesting that you class yourself as an insecure person yet got your boyfriend by cheating. Talk about setting yourself up for heartache. Could you not have waited for him to finish with his girlfriend before jumping into bed with him? Did you put yourself in her shoes for one second while you were busy with him?
You obviously don't trust him, otherwise you would not be "snooping". I predict you will ALWAYS remember how he cheated on his ex and fear he will do the same to you. This relationship will drive you crazy. Meanwhile his ex will move on and find someone who is worthy of her.
Strange how things work out.
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A
male
reader, Justryingtohelp +, writes (18 June 2020):
Hear that sound? It's the sound of your chickens coming home to roost. Admitting you "did wrong" doesn't make everything ok. Get them by cheating, lose them by cheating. There's a first time for everything but never a last time. You are both cheaters and you are now getting your just desserts. You will never trust him completely because you will know what he did to his ex he can just as easily do to you. He has probably simply set up a new Snapchat account you know nothing about. You are already snooping because you don't trust him. Oh dear, how sad. Karma is a bitch. Remember that next time you are tempted to cheat.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2020): I guess you will always have this type of problem in the future, because its the way life is now, one day he won't delete images to please you. and he has proved that he is capable of cheating by what he has done with you.Very sad that many people today are so into social media and all that goes with it. I feel sorry for the youngsters who will know no different.I may be a bit biased about social media, and see it as poisonous if not used correctly. I hate it and just won't have anything to do with it. I would accept that social media will always open doors to negative experiences as well as some positives, either both stay away from it and just live in the real here and now experiencing YOUR realities or find someone you trust or accept that you social media addicts invite the world into your little mobile phone and have no control who steps into it. If you use it then can't expect him not to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2020): Oh girl...listen to me....if he cheats with you he will cheat on you.Open your eyes before you get to invested with him.Use birth control...Do not have a child with him no matter what you do.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 June 2020):
Well, if you relationship started out as an "affair", no wonder you feel a bit insecure. You KNOW what HE (and YOU) capable off.
Admitting you "did wrong" doesn't change the facts.
Your BF CHOSE to delete the app. Which I think is the right thing, however... an app isn't that hard to reinstall and there are a 1,000 more chat apps out there. So while it seems like a grand gesture, in reality it means little IF (and only IF) he wants to chat to other people.
You have decided to CHEAT with this guy and now DATE him, you (if you want to BE with him) need to work on trust. You being insecure is YOUR issue, not something HE can or should fix for you. THAT is for you to work on.
You have to decide CAN I trust this guy?
Having a lot of female friends is usually NOT a sign of someone who will cheat on you, being "friends with all kind of females he has slept with, might. You know?
I would also talk trust with him. He shouldn't lie because that is NOT how you build mutual trust.
The thing is, if you can't trust him, you shouldn't be with him. Without trust you have nothing. A relationship can't work without trust. It can trudge along.. but it's not healthy.
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