A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello,Around 9 months ago, I got drunk and slept with an ex boyfriend. It was a complete mistake - the relationship ended badly and it was one of the first times we'd hung out alone since we broke up. Ended up having way too much to drink, getting nostalgic and making the worst decision of my life. These things happen, right? Except the problem is that he's got a girlfriend now which is awful enough. But it happens to be one of my friends. The guilt I feel is immeasurable. He's begged me not to tell her, telling me it was a mistake and he'd never, ever cheat on her with anyone else, it was just the fact we have history together. I haven't seen her in a really long time (in fact, I've only seen her once since it happened) as we've been working in different cities, but whenever I receive texts from her checking in with me and being friendly I want to die. It's getting harder and harder to avoid meeting with her. I can't look her in the eye. I feel SO bad and so ashamed of myself. If he had agreed, I would have told her after it happened but now it feels like I've left it too long and he still insists on me keeping my mouth shut. Also, I know it's cowardly but I'm scared.What do I do, and how, HOW can I have a relationship with her after this? Please help me. I feel terrible.
View related questions:
broke up, drunk, my ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (29 October 2014):
 Would you want to know if it was you?
She has the right to know what her boyfriend's like. If she forgives him, that's her prerogative.
Many people think they can do what they want in life, lie about it and that makes it alright. Wrong! If everyone told the truth, they'd do the right thing in the first place because they'd have to face the consequences of their actions.
Good relationships are based on trust not lies.
A
female
reader, ohbabycakesxx  +, writes (29 October 2014):
I would say definitely let her know. Her boyfriend sounds like he's only trying to save face, I doubt he cares much about what happens to you, despite being your ex. If anything, what if HE ends up telling her and you end up a bad friend?
Let her know that her boyfriend is a cheating a-hole, and own up to the mistake that you made. Drunk or not, you must have had SOME longing for him if you slept with him, and he for you. Calling it a mistake doesn't really fix it.
She's your friend, it'd be easier for her to find out now, rather than later by someone else. Try to ease her into it. Let her know you WERE drunk, but you know that's not an excuse.
Just keep in mind that she MAY not want to be your friend any longer, but rather she not talk to you than think you're a cheating, lying b-word right? Telling her will not only clear your conscience, she might forgive you. If worse comes to worse, at least she'd know what kind of guy she is with.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2014): I should add that last time I saw him, he cried. He too feels a lot of remorse - he's not really a heartless, horrible person.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2014): Hi guys, poster here...
Thanks so much for the answers.
I'm going to have to have a think about this for a bit longer (not that I haven't thought about it like a million times since it happened) and come to a decision. I think Melanie is right. There is no way I can have a friendship with her now. I have to avoid her and just try and slip away...
I obviously know in my heart telling her is the right thing to do. It's really difficult though because she is the centre of a very large group of friends I made while I was at university and they, too, would never forgive me. I know it's exactly what I deserve but that doesn't make it any easier...
I sound like a complete brat, I am far from the victim. Believe me, I'm completely disgusted with myself.
Thank you again for writing!
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (28 October 2014):
 If you can think of an "upside" to telling her all the sordid details of a drunken mistake then by all means create a huge drama mess that will melt down everyone's past and future relationships.I'd clam up a let the past be part of the past.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2014): Tell her,you owe it to her, the truth always outs and it'd be humiliating for her for it to come out later. Literally it will eat you up if you don't anyway. Just grow a pair and do it. you can do it by text to ease it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Melanie0517 +, writes (28 October 2014):
I don't think you can have a relationship with her after this. I would never forgive you, but she may be kinder than I am. The waiting so long just makes it worse. Either get out their lives, or tell her everything, like right now because it's not going to get better, only worse. I would warn the guy, then don't answer any text or calls from him because he will talk you out of it. Don't be surprised if she forgives him and not you, girls do crazy things when they love a guy sometimes. Let her have it, she deserves to be angry and hurt. And I would obviously never speak to the guy again if she can't forgive you. If she does then don't ever be alone with him if you can't control yourself. A mistake doesn't make you a bad person, alcohol can make anyone do really dumb things, letting her know will be the first step to forgiving yourself and moving on. You feel so bad because this is not the type of person you want to be, and that's good. Hopefully she will see that.
...............................
|
