A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I grew up being abused by my dad on a regular basis (physical, emotional and he once also attempted sexual but then had to leave suddenly. If not I would almost certainly have been molested). He also however gave us all a great expensive education and was nice in the periods between abusing us which led to some of my siblings forgiving him. My siblings have also sadly been quite emotionally manipulative and controlling over my life at times. I'm the youngest.I however grew up, distanced myself from the family, went to college as then law school. I learned early in law school, which was at the other end of the country, my dad had developed MS. I was sceptical at first but the next time I went to visit he could barely walk, talk and was permanently disabled. He was able to talk to me and say he was sorry but he ruined my entire childhood, ruined my mental health as a kid for my educational achievements and at times left me wondering if I'd have to go homeless or contemplating running awayLong story short: I have recently started a job as a lawyer on the other side of the country from my family. My father's health has also rapidly gone down recently. My sister keeps on calling me to inform me of this; she expects me to drop everything, tell my firm I've got family affairs to attend to and travel half way across the country to see him every time he ends up in hospital, as there's a chance he might end up dying. This is severely affecting my career and also my MH (I have anxiety, which my family don't know about). I also simply do not care past a certain point; the guy nearly ruined my life. But my sister will call with some story about how he's "struggling to breathe" or "in a really bad way" (which tbf I don't think she's making up but she has always overreacted to things and been quite manipulative and dramatic). She'll then start talking about having a funeral, insist I come over and say some "last words" to him on the phone because "he is still your father". She is strongly religious and believes in forgiveness. This has happened three times over the past months. For the record, I don't doubt he may actually have been close to death all these times. But I'm an adult woman, with my own life to live and I cannot risk losing my job, nor constantly having my sanity affected by her constant dramatic phone calls updating me on the state of his health. One day he will be recovering, the next apparently about to pass away. She's also stubbornly incapable of understanding I consider him my father biologically only due to the level of abuse inflicted on me.I know this may sound cold hearted, but it's the truth. How do I tell her "no, Sis, I cannot leave my job and my life in the middle of the afternoon and fly over yet again"?!
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 March 2020):
 This is a hard one because your sister CHOSE to forgive him and you didn't, so there you are already on two different path and places with your relationship with your father.
Do I think you should drop everything whenever you sister think he might croak? No.
You obviously fought and worked had to make life and career for yourself. That is your priority, YOUR life and your future.
What I would say is this, talk to a therapist and work on forgiving your father (not for him, but for yourself). Work on letting that part of your past go. I can feel your anger towards your dad so clearly in your post (not that it isn't warranted) but holding on to that kind of anger and resentment will keep hurting YOU as long as you do.
And like that anon mentioned, there are travel bans going up here and there, so not being able to travel because of the Coronavirus is a short term excuse. I think you might also need to work out with yourself HOW to best explain to your sister that you do NOT want to see him. Your sister is caught in the middle, she wants you to let go of your anger (like she has) for YOUR sake, for her sake and perhaps also for the sake of your dad. But you are not your sister. You haven't reached the spot where you find holding on to anger is dragging you down.
Talk to your sister, let her know you are thinking of her and thank her for taking the time to do what you can't and won't. Looking out for your father. You might feel he doesn't deserve you or her attention or affection, but your sister does what feels right FOR her. And yes, it is hard to constantly feel guilty for not into doing things (like flying out) when you don't want to.
Focus on HER when you talk to her. If you don't WANT to fly out, then don't. You can without doubt make up excuses as to why you can't. No more vacation time or the work load doesn't allow it.
You sister is trying to "redo" the bad times by "making things OK" at the end of your father's life. It's kind of her. But if that is not what you want or need, stand your ground. Just don't make it a sister versus sister due to something your father did.
It's OK to not want to see him. I don't think you owe him . You do OWE yourself to put yourself first, and your mental health first.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2020): Do not go.Do not feel guilty.Block sisters number of just let it go to message.There is no reason to risk your mental health or your job to see a dying child molester.That is what he is.You owe him nothing...nothing at all.So what if he put you through school....he owes you that for being your parent that is nothing speical.I personally would not even attend his funeral.He is not worth it.I hope the sisters that forgave him never let their children around him.It happened to me.Not my dad but a relative.I was four years old.My parents took his side and called me a slut.If I had the money I would dig his dead body up cremate it and then put him in a dung pile.I would not give your dad the time of day except to spit on his face.Your sisters are stupid this is how abuse goes on generation after generation.He should be in prison dying alone.Show your sisters my thoughts...they have a lot to learn about life...especially if they expose their kids to him.Some people are just so stupid it blows my mind.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2020): People who have been abused often have difficulty with establishing healthy boundaries and being assertive in day to day life, and often veer towards careers that make them feel powerful somehow. I think you fit this pattern; you have felt that your own boundaries could easily be trampled on, and that if you are assertive to a normal, healthy level, this will be ignored - so, your solution so far has been to put very extreme boundaries in place between you and your family and to very obviously seek a position of power within your career, because you have been made to feel powerless.I believe you when you say you've been abused. I don't 100% agree with WiseOwlE's approach to your situation; I don't think forgiveness can or should be 'instant' for it to be meaningful and I think you can be forgiven for either taking your time with this or not being able to do it because the religious undertones of forgiveness simply don't have meaning for you. I also don't think you should feel remotely guilty for being more intellectual than any of your family or siblings or for accepting money to go to college - if that's what you did. Women historically are often put down for being intelligent and, more importantly, historically absolutely have not had the same opportunities to gain good employment and / or personal wealth, so there's no way you could be expected to magic this up out of thin air. There's no hypocrisy in accepting things that your father may have given you in his capacity as your father and then rejecting him for abusing you - fathers are there to provide, it's their role, and it's not something you should feel guilt about and not something that should be used against you to bargain for you to accept being abused - I say the latter because I reckon that is what this will feel like, until you find your own way to 'forgive' or whatever you want to call the process of healing that you may experience.With that said you could try to see things slightly differently, if this helps things a little; your father was an abuser who then seemed to show some regret and wo started what may (and I accept it may not) have been a longer process of healing, for both of you, when he said he was sorry. This has been cut short because he is now chronically ill and dying, Would he have had the same regret if he'd stayed in good health? We don't know. Ill health can have a way of making people confront things they'd otherwise shy away from, and speeds up the process of reflection. So, he at least had something on his conscience. My mother, who was abusive, died without saying anything remotely like this to me. Ditto my father. It would have meant a lot if they'd at least shown an ability to reflect on their own behaviour and see at as damaging, but they didn't.Also, perhaps try to see that your sister's recourse to religion may be her own way of feeling powerful in a situation that she has felt very disempowered by - and that could be why she may seem / is manipulative - I'm not saying that makes it okay, but from my own siblings' extremely manipulative behaviour, I sense that even if they were not the one's being directly abused, even if they don't seem to care that much about whether you were or not, they too have in a way been indirectly abused because their chances of having a fully functional, loving relationship with their sibling has been complicated sometimes beyond repair and one reaction to that is to become manipulative and / or find related ways to feel empowered.I'm not quite so sure about the 'hate eats you up' if you hold onto it idea. I think it can seem that way if the people around you don't share your pain with you and help you to overcome it, and instead lock you into it through guilt tripping and / or undermining your self esteem. I do think it's important to fully understand why people behave the way they do, find your OWN ways to process your anger and to focus on finding positive relationships and ways to relax, have fun and take pleasure in life' your feeling of inner safety and trust has been compromised from a very young age, and you are trying to find ways to restore that feeling; drawing healthy boundaries with your sister, remaining assertive but in touch with her can be the start of building better relations and healing. Ask her to recognise that you are different, have different ways of doing things and can't be the same as her or cope with things in the way she does. Ask here where she thinks a healthy compromise might lie and keep trying to talk with her, finding a pace for this that you can both handle. Whether you forgive your father or not is your choice, and it can come after his death, it doesn't have to be now, and it doesn't even have to be called 'forgiveness', you may have another way of thinking about this and another name for it.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (18 March 2020):
 It’s not cold hearted at all, you told us yourself the guy ruined your childhood. You don’t owe the guy anything. He may have helped bring you into this world but he didn’t act like a father to you did he? So why should you be expected to forgive the past and be there at the drop of a hat because he’s dying? He was moments away from sexually assaulting you, he doesn’t deserve shit!
I’d just be straight up, very firm and clear how you feel about things. Just tell her what you told us here! He ruined your early years, you’re busy with a job and your own life and haven’t forgiven what he did! If they don’t like it then so what? You don’t live near any of them, if they want to get over his sadistic ways then so be it, you deal with this however you want.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2020): I meant to say:
"She can't make you do anything. By even trying, she will have fulfilled what her faith demands her to do. God will bless her for it."
"Holding-on to hatred is toxic;, and it eats you from the inside."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2020): First, I want to agree with Code Warrior from the perspective of how you feel about your sister; and what kind of relationship you wish to maintain with her. You characterized all your siblings as emotionally-manipulative and controlling over your life. Your father is described as abusive, and sexually-perverse; because he attempted to molest you. We have a full profile of your family; and what everyone does, or has done, to you. Unfortunately, we don't get but one-side of the story. It's a doozie! You are a victim, and that is fully understood.
As victims go, people so emotionally-traumatized and psychologically-injured usually have some very serious social-issues; and are capable of doing emotional harm to themselves or to others. I hope your trauma and anxiety is being properly managed and treated by effective therapy under a competent therapist.
Social-disorders and mental-health problems cause people to do things they don't mean to do. It is usually due to behavior that manifests from what they've endured, brain-injury, birth-defects, or chemical-imbalances in the brain. Would it be presumptuous to believe that over the course of your lifetime you may have caused emotional-injury to others? Have you never broken someone's heart, disappointed someone, or unintentionally (but seriously) hurt someone's feelings? Have you never broken a promise, told a lie, or betrayed someone's trust? Have you never caused anyone physical injury?
Then never will you ever require anyone's forgiveness. Never will you abuse your skills and education as an attorney to deny someone justice who deserves it, in order to win for your client. Since separating from your family you have now become the embodiment of perfection. I am glad I don't know what it feels like to not need my family. Frankly, I never want to know!
In spite of all you've been through, you've been a model citizen? Not friend, family, or foe can say you've ever done anyone wrong to them, or caused any trouble whatsoever? Each of your siblings can attest and confirm that you were the perfect sister, in spite of their controlling and manipulative ways? That's quite extraordinary. Everyone hurts you, but you've never done anything to anybody else.
I do commend you for being a survivor. You even have the academic aptitude to earn a Juris Doctorate Degree (J.D.); and even passed the bar exam. Did you actually accept your father's money to pay for your education? It would seem to me you would want nothing from the man who totally ruined your entire childhood. You can take his money, but you could never forgive him for ruining your childhood. Legally, I would have to say for "allegedly ruining your childhood." I have your word, and no evidence that he did; or how he did it.
Seems your father is now paying spiritual-restitution and moral recompense for all he has ever done to you. He is now trapped within a deteriorating body, he will likely lose brain function, and his vision. He is suffering from an incurable disease. If his disease is in the final-stages, he suffers everyday. Your sister is not dramatizing; quite often he is near death. Even under the circumstances, and facing his mortality; he told you he is sorry. He is probably holding-on hoping to seek your forgiveness.
You say your sister is strongly religious, and believes in forgiveness. If that be the case, she is concerned for your immortal soul. She is correct that he is still your father. He is paying for every awful ungodly thing he has ever done to anyone; and still faces the final-judgement of his soul in the afterlife. You're probably too intellectually sophisticated to even consider such unscientific things; but your sister is in the difficult position of loving both of you, and concerned for both your souls. There is more to it than that. She wants you to have the closure you deserve when you make peace with your father; before he meets his death. Her faith has freed her of her pain. She can make you do anything. By even trying, she will have fulfilled what her faith demands her to do. God will bless her for it. Darkness will cloud and poison your spirit; but it can be easily lifted. Non-belief delays and hinders God's actions. He does nothing without our permission. We are not puppets. He tells us what is righteous, and it's up to us to follow.
If she is a Christian, by faith, she knows that if we don't forgive others, God will not forgive us. He says so several times in the Bible. If God can forgive wicked sinful people everyday, even when humanity crucified His son; forgiving your father for the past is a piece of cake. You can't turn back the clock. Your unwillingness to forgive hasn't cured your anxiety disorder. In-fact, you harbor a lot of resentment and rage towards your family. Any mental-health professional will tell you that letting-go and making peace with your father at this point in your life will free you in so many ways. Holding-on to hatred is toxic, and he eats you from the inside. It paralyzes your progress, and you're frozen in time.
You probably won't be able to travel coast to coast due to travel restrictions. It would not hurt you to pick-up a phone to console your sister through her pain; and maybe offer your father forgiveness, which will bring closure for all of you. He remains your father, no matter how far you run from him. Your sister grieves for the both of you.
You don't have to care about your father. He doesn't need your punishment, he's facing death. Your sister and others will be by his side, with or without you! God will forgive him, whether you will or not. Nobody can move your life forward but you. Moving forward includes forgiving your father. Otherwise, carry it around with you for the rest of your life. He'll be dead and gone.
You're still in your 20's. That's a long time to wonder what it would have been like if you had just forgiven your father; while still carrying all that poison in your soul leftover from the past. The irony is, God may forgive your father if he has prayed for it. He may not forgive you because you prefer to subsist on hatred, anger, and resentment. I think your father will hold-on and will finally pass when he hears from you.
Suit yourself. Just make sure you never do anything to ever require anyone to forgive you! If you think you can hurt people and never need their forgiveness; it's only a matter of time before fate teaches you a lesson that we all have to learn. You reap what you sow; just as your father has learned so painfully.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2020): With the coronavirus nobody is supposed to be traveling anyways, try using that as an excuse if you don't want to be up front about everything.
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