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Sister in law wants sex and my wife wants me to give it to her

Tagged as: Family, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 August 2013) 11 Answers - (Newest, 29 October 2014)
A male United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I'm not a young man anymore. I've had a good marriage so far, at least I though we did. First, my wife and my sister in law were both victims of being raped by their father as teens, it was kept a deep family secret. I'm not sure about this situation my wife and her sister proposed. My sister in law is a plain Jane, over wight and not attractive. She divorced her husband about a year ago and moved into our house temporarilly. She asked me to have sex with her, I said I can't do that to your sister, I never cheated or had any reason good enough to cheat. Then she told me my wife was ok with it and to ask her. My wife said she thinks it would be hot and that she wanted to watch us having sex. This is really out of the box for my wife and I. I like my sister in law, but don't have any sexual attraction for her and I'm sure I'm not into this. My wife has asked me a couple of times to get it on with her. I don't get it, I don't know why my wife wants me to screw her sister. When I ask her why, she just says it's hot and exciting, and to try it for her. My thoughts run wild thinking maybe it's because my wife cheated and wants to make it up to me, maybe she's incestual or maybe she's become some kind of pervert,I just don't know where this sudden behavior came from. My sister inlaw has purposely exposed herself on 1 occaision trying to gain my interest. I'm very doubtful this will ever happen,I have no interest and I'm more concerned why my wife seems so intent on be banging her sister. I don't know anyone who ever did anything like this. Why would she want me to do this?

View related questions: divorce, incest, moved in, sister in law

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2014):

Two issues here --

It's not tough to understand your sister-in-law's need for sex. How old is she? I find divorced women sometimes longing for the sex they would have been accustomed to (and probably taking for granted) before their divorce. If she's in her late 30s or 40s, she's probably sexually peaking too.

Secondly, some men and women do get turned on sharing their spouse with another, and watching it while it's happening. Haven't you seen porn focus on this theme?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2013):

I was raped as a child multiple times by family members and now I have really low self esteem so when i guy shows me some attention I like it esp if they want to have sex with me...don't get me wrong I don't jump in bed with every guy I meet...I've only been with 5 and 2 of them were serious relationships.

Does your wife want to watch you have sex with her? If so then I would think that would have something to do with the abuse but it also could be that your wife is trying to boost her sisters esteem by making her feel wanted to someone.

I do agree that your wife does need to seek help. If you plain out told her or the both of them that you do not feel comfortable having sex with your sister in law then she/they should respect that and not ask again.

I would try to talk to the both of them and tell them straight up you do not feel comfortable doing that and the if its still brought up afterwards then I would seek help for both of them...look around there is free to low income therapy you can get.

Try going to a sister was abused and the church she attended paid for it.

I wish you the best of luck!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2013):

it might be a trap. don't do that unless you know what they are up to.

if she needs orgasms, a $20 vibrator will give her as much as she wants. why count on the brother in law's 50 year old penis?!

and the fact that your wife is pushing for it makes it more fishy.

this story can't be true unless those girls are up to something.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2013):

You have no sexual attraction to the sister in law so its going to be gross to have sex with her. That's reason enough not to. Tell her to stop exposing herself to you, because it is unwelcome so it is sexual harassment. certainly if it was a man exposing himself to a woman who didn't want it, it would for sure be classified as sexual harassment!

Why does your wife want this? I think she's a perv. It is one thing to think it hot to have an open marriage, but to want to see your own sibling naked having sex with anyone is disturbing. You do not think of your relatives like that! Eeew.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 September 2013):

Honeypie agony auntGoodness no, do NOT go there. It sounds like it will escalate into weirdness. And into guilt and regret for you and hostility from her.

This is not a healthy way to deal with childhood trauma, to screw your Brother In Law.

Honestly it sounds like a realllllly bad porn.

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A female reader, MsSadie United States +, writes (1 September 2013):

MsSadie agony auntI think you do know what her motives are, hence why you began your question by informing us that your wife and her sister were sexually abused.

You're not comfortable with it, so just say no. Additionally, be a good husband and help your wife address her mental health issues by suggesting therapy.

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A male reader, Xearo Trinidad and Tobago +, writes (31 August 2013):

I don't think you need to subject yourselves to their miseries of sexual frustrations nor do you have to pretend to be the healer for their awful events in the past. While is it sad what has happened to them in the past, it is not an excuse for them to force something that you don't want to do, just like how they did not want to be victims in their past. I think you really need to speak loud and clear that you are not interested in such activities. Quite frankly I find their persistence disrespectful of your own opinion and feelings on the matter. If one is not ok with it, then it should not ok with both, such is marriage. If this keeps up then you should opt to have your sister in law move out so you and your wife can resume your life together.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2013):

WiseOwl said it right... Therapy therapy therapy. Please dont entertain this strange request that had come out of the blue. The fact that they both were abused could be where the thoughts have come back both women talking and somehow these repressed twisted sexual haughty came about. They are used to sharing and probably the sister since divorced may be needing some sex this may have been the scenario they came up with during their talks...its twisted and not healthy especially because the fallout post this scenario would be ugly on so many level. Discuss in private with your wife and get the sister OUT ASAP. Good luck keep us posted

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (31 August 2013):

Just make it absolutely clear to your wife, and her sister, that you have no intention of going through with it and that is the end of any further discussion.

Privately discuss with your wife that you have no intentions of sex outside of your marriage; and offer her an opportunity to explain how she can conceive of such a idea? If she has no logical explanation (because there isn't one) then inform her the matter is closed as far as you're concerned.

Your wife, like most sexually abused people, has some dark secrets and scarring from her abusive relationship with her father. That is 99.99% of where this comes from. If she is in your age-group, it is likely she never received treatment; and had to pretty much deal with it as best as she could. It probably wasn't exposed until she and her sisters were adults. Such things are usually buried as family secrets.

It's up to your wife, but I think she needs to see a therapist; if she doesn't see that it isn't healthy thinking. There are alternative life-styles and people do really kinky crazy things; but including siblings in the act, is still incest. It was derived from what she may have witnessed between her sister and her father. This is very

disturbing to you, I'm sure.

Have a talk, and suggest she consider getting some help.

Meanwhile; get her sister out of your house.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (31 August 2013):

janniepeg agony auntThe only ones who I know did this were Hilary and Jackie Dupre, the musician sisters.

I would say that the bond between sisters can be so strong that they are willing to share when one is deprived of happiness.

After rape, a woman's perception of men changes forever. Some become promiscuous. Saying yes to men is a way to feel in control. It won't be traumatic if you consent to it. By saying forbidden sex is hot and exciting is also a way to soften what went wrong in her childhood. Maybe this is what your wife is feeling. Especially when the rape comes from a family member one loses personal boundaries that a normal person has towards the opposite sex.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2013):

Some things are better left to fantasy and imagination (and cannot be undone) ...

Has your wife and sister had therapy after the abuse they were victims of (im guessing no , if this was a deep family secret)? Maybe this incest fantasy indeed has something to do with the abuse they suffered, it's very highly probable that the rape(s) has left some marks on them no matter how many years...

Don't do anything you're uncomfortable with, your wife and her sister should be respectful of your wishes... mayeb you can convince your wife to get therapy?

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