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anonymous
writes: MY HUSBAND & I HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING IN OUR MARRIAGE FOR ABOUT 2 YRS. IT STARTED NOT LONG AFTER THE BIRTH OF OUR DAUGHTER. MY HUSBAND DOES NOT SHOW AFFECTION VERY EASILY & SINCE HE NOW HAS TO SHARE HIMSELF BETWEEN ME & THE BABY I SEEM ALWAYS TO BE COMING SECOND BEST (IF AT ALL) WE DON'T CUDDLE OR KISS, WE HAVE NOT HAD SEX WITHOUT MY HUSBAND BEING DRUNK FOR AT LEAST 6 MONTHS. I HAVE GIVEN TO GOING TO BED MUCH LATER THAN HIM SO AS TO AVOID CLOSENESS, BECAUSE I RESENT BEING MADE TO FEEL UNLOVED & UNATTRACTIVE. SINCE THE BABY'S BIRTH WHICH WAS QUITE TRAUMATIC, I HAVE PUT ON 3 STONES IN WEIGHT & SO I DON'T FEEL SEXY OR PRETTY & THE FACT THAT ANY ATTENTION ONLY COMES WHEN HE IS VERY DRUNK JUST CEMENTS IN MY MIND HOW REPULSIVE I AM TO HIM. I HAVE BEEN TREATED FOR DEPRESSION WITH MEDICATION BUT MY HUSBAND DOES NOT TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE. HE HAS MADE ME FEEL SO WEAK ABOUT THE TABLETS, THAT I GAVE UP TAKING THEM ALTOGETHER. THIS CHRISTMAS WAS SO AWFUL FOR ME THAT I DID TAKE AN OVERDOSE, WHICH DID'NT WORK(UNFORTUNATELY). THE EASY WAY WOULD BE FOR ME TO JUST NOT BE HERE OR JUST TO BE ABLE TO LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP COMPLETELY. BUT I DON'T HAVE THE COURAGE FOR THAT & ALL IT ENTAILS. I ONLY WORK PART TIME & SO DON'T HAVE THE MONEY TO SUPPORT MYSELF & THE BABY (& MY OLDER SON) ON MY OWN. I DID HOWEVER ASK FOR A TEMPORARY SEPERATION, WHICH STARTED THIS WEEK AND TO BE HONEST I DON'T MISS HIM AT ALL. BUT HE DOES COME BACK AND FORTH TO SEE THE BABY & I CAN'T DEMAND THAT HE LEAVES HIS OWN HOUSE, SO IT'S NOT TRULY A SEPERATION AT ALL! IF I'M HONEST I REALLY DON'T KNOW IF I LOVE HIM ANYMORE, HE'S JUST HELPED ME TO FEEL SO BAD ABOUT MYSELF, BUT I DON'T WANT OUR DAUGHTER TO HAVE A DIVORCED FAMILY & I'M SCARED OF FINISHING IT & COPING ON MY OWN. HE SAYS THAT HE'S ALWAYS TIRED AFTER WORK & THEN WORKING ON THE ATTIC CONVERSION WHICH I DO UNDERSTAND, BUT IS THE ATTIC(CAR,BIKE,DOG,WORK,ETC) MORE IMPORTANT THAN OUR RELATIONSHIP? IT WOULD SEEM SO!. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT, I CAN'T THINK OR TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT WITHOUT CRYING. I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS TO TALK TO SO THAT IS WHY I AM WRITING THIS. ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GOOD. THANKS.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A reader, I Know, writes (8 February 2005): Boy where do I start. I am in your situation only I have twins. The first thing you need to do is feel better about yourself. I did a personalized atkins diet that allowed me to eat what I wanted in moderation and lost 30lbs. I started to feel better about myself and that helped. As for your husband, I can only tell you time will help. It took me a year before I could get back in the mood, and then he had to get used to the fact that I was in the mood. Having a baby is a big change and after they start sleeping through the night and not needing so much attention you can spend more time together. Make time in the evenings for him, make a nice dinner or get a movie and show him that he is just as important. Let him know how you feel and express your feelings about wanting more attention yourself. Hope this helps a little
A reader, f, writes (5 February 2005): Hi,Your letter struck a chord with me, because I had difficulty as a father after my 3rd daughter was born. I truly felt like a 5th wheel in the house; fortunately, those feeling passed after a time, and I felt better about my situation as a husband and father.It sounds to me that the birth of your daughter made a bad relationship worse. It appears your husband is eroding what little self-respect you have left, and pushing you into a deeper depression. Perhaps it is good that you have some separation. All I can suggest is that you look for a good mental health professional, since you need to confront your feelings toward your marriage and husband, and unload your unhealthy thoughts. A good doctor has helped my wife deal with issues in her life, and it has mad a big difference in our relationship. This is not something that can be solved by sharing with friends - you need direction, guidance, and some positive reinforcement that you are a good and loving person. Best regards,F
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A reader, Rachell, writes (5 February 2005): I think you feel this terrible since putting on lots of weight, so I think what would make you happier would be to loose all of that extra weight, this does not have to cost a lot, you can get a cheap excercise video from a boot sale or just run then walk up and down the stairs 30 times a day, take children swimming or out on bikes or just push them on the swings, the more effort you put into loving yourself the happier youll be, how on earth can you love someone if you hate yourself. I think you have jumped a big hurdel writing to this website and admitting you need help, also try to have little conversations with everyone you see like shop assistants other mothers in the park etc the more you act like a happy person the sooner youll become happy, put on your best casual clothes and apply a bit of lipstick please try to make yourself feel better you are not the fattest person in the world but shedding a few pounds and starting the day with a smile will make you feel more attractive and then your husband will see that the love of his life is back,once you have overcome this it may take months, then you can start thinking about spicing up your relationship by cooking him a candlelit dinner etc you may fall in love with him again or you will have more courage to leave him and stand on your own 2 strong feet and if you ever feel so low that you want to take your own life phone a helpline or seek counselling, its not uncommon and if that is what you need then do it.Or if you want someone to talk to then e-mail me i have also suffered from depression in the past.
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