A
female
age
41-50,
*amb
writes:the last few times i've had sex with my boyfriend (i have initiated it) i have felt objectified. one of those times we were engaged in mutual oral sex. when he came, i was close, but he stopped cunnilingus and penetrated me (even though he was going soft). afterwards i asked him if he wasn't enjoying going down on me. he said no, he just believed i preferred to be penetrated. i wanted to say i preferred to orgasm, by any method! but i didn't want to hurt his pride so i left it at that. the most recent two times we've been intimate, he came both times before penetration. he did not use his hands or anything to stimulate me. he pretty much just coaxed me into positions he liked and rubbed against me until he ejaculated. it was all over very quickly. i felt humiliated, unloved, and unsatisfied.is this what premature ejaculation is? i feel he is being selfish. i don't mind not reaching orgasm every time. in fact, sometimes i enjoy pleasuring him without expecting anything in return. but when i initiate sex i would like a mutually satisfying end! i would like for him to seem intrerested in my pleasure. i feel used! i wonder if this has something to do with the fact he is trying to go 8 weeks without watching porn (because i've asked him to prove its not an addiction). i'm scared i'm a replacement for porn!
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ejaculate, ejaculation, engaged, oral sex, orgasm, porn, unloved Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, AnalyzeIt  +, writes (21 August 2009):
Saying a man's addicted to porn or to sex is like saying he's addicted to breathing - sex is a strong basic human need for almost all young men. If he wants to look at porn I don't see what the problem is. Some women take it personally, but it's a shallow, non-emotional experience for men.
I don't understand what you mean by the connection between porn and generousity in bed, but he should be more considerate of you. Sounds like you should find a way of letting him know what you want without denting his ego. Hmmm... subtlety - Im a stereotypical male on this one, Im afraid! Not sure of the best way to go about it..
A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (17 November 2008):
 You've got to let him know!
Set the ground rules: Get me to come first, then let me watch you shoot your load! (And tell him you want to watch it. Lots of porn features men shooting their load, he should appreciate your interest :) )
Make sure he keeps with the cunnilingus until you come. Cunnilingus can lead to orgasm where penetration may not. He needs to know this.
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A
female
reader, Lamb +, writes (17 November 2008):
Lamb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust one more thing: i don't expect orgasm, that's not what i'm chasing necessarily. i want physical closeness, mutual enjoyment. i can have that without orgasm. but right now he seems uninterested in my enjoyment.
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A
female
reader, Lamb +, writes (17 November 2008):
Lamb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi peter pan, thanks for your thoughtful reply. you've given me lots to think about. regarding the surrogate issue, yes, he is coaxingme to do things that are his favourite porn fantasies. these are things i've willingly done inthe past, both at his and my own initiation. maybe i am bring hypersensitive to the porn issue.
he has always come pretty quickly, but has seemed more connected with me in the past. lately i feel like a masturbation aid. if its true he's ready to explode, what can i do to help him deal with his frustration while still getting my needs met?
re: expectations, if a man was initiating sex, i would naturally assume he wanted/expected release/orgasm. why wouldn't that same expectation apply when the woman initiates?
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A
male
reader, PeterPan  +, writes (17 November 2008):
 So here's the first question that pops to mind... if you are the initiator of your sexual encounters and you're expecting to be taken to an orgasm because of it, does he know that? In short, have you shared your expectations with him? If he's not aware of that condition or your haven't communicated your desires, then he's not going to know what he's expected to do. Just something to think about...
I'm not sure if your BF has PE or not... doesn't seem to be. If this is something new (as in since his self-imposed moratorium on porn), then it's definitely not PE. Here's a thought: if he's been getting off to the porn he use to watch and isn't getting that same fix any more, he may just be ready to explode more often then he use to be. Another thought question for you: has your love-making sessions kept pace with his former viewing habits? Regarding being the surrogate for porn... I'm not at all sure there... Again, I think that's something that you two need to be discussing between you.
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