A
female
age
51-59,
*mac
writes:Nine months ago I met a man thru our dog club who I was instantly attracted to as he was me too. He is difficult person, not well liked, drinks but brilliant trainer and respected in that way. I not bad trainer either, we similar in so many ways, in and out of dogs. We hit it off. Got on SOOO well. First time we met, spent 3 hours out in the grounds talking to each other. Trouble was, he married me too. My marriage separated but live under same roof. He, loveless marriage but secure, plenty money. Wife works he pensioned out after nervous breakdown and mental issues. But between us there was something small and fragile but gentle and special. Over months it slowly grew, but slowly. One stage, he backed off for about a month. Rude to me at the time. I guessed he confused and scared. I left him alone. Then back he came to club, same as before. Relationship/friendship grew much stronger. Then came club xmas party. We out late. He drinks a lot. Some of us go back to friend's house. He asks me to take him home. I do. He drunk but not THAT drunk. He takes my hand on the way home, asks about my marriage, says he likes me, has done from moment he met me etc. etc. Kisses my hand, says how he hates most people (true) butdoes like and trust me, how much he does. He basically says all I've been feeling and I believe him. Then we get almost to his house and he nervously directs me into a nearby dead end. We kiss, we go further but don't have sex as I say no. He is fine about this, gentle, kind, loving, tells me how much he wants me to ring him etc. etc. I had no reason to doubt. I can tell when he lying or big-noting himself. I know him well. Then he obviously goes home and goes 'oh no, I've just brought my dog club life and the girl I wish I was with into my SAFE, REAL LIFE where I live in a little apartment separate from my wife but am well off and safe.' So he gets totally blotto again. Then he kind of cuts me dead. Says he doesn't remember, doesn't want to remember. He has this huge over the top reaction and won't answer my mails, tells me not to mail or phone him. Wouldn't even agree to meet up to sort out and just return to being friends. Didn't come to dog club for ages. When did, actually kind of HID. Was there for ten min then quickly left, like guilty schoolboy. This man 60! This is SO out of character in every other part of his life that I know of. He not known for seducing women at all, either. Not ever. I saw him at comp. I fronted him. He told me to go away. We had huge argument, almost physical, in front of at least a hundred people. He very upset and sorry afterwards. We kind of made up and agree to go back to what was before, few months ago. But he has not come back to club again. I feel this has ruined it for him. I am heartbroken. At 43, I have never loved anyone like this. It has destroyed me. I can't seem to move on. I am torn apart. I see it has done similar to him. What can I do?
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female
reader, Amac +, writes (8 May 2008):
Amac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionrestarting a friendship... another update. This man, he definitely is not over me EITHER. I need advice on how to restart this friendship, even if just on a friendship level. The other morning just before dawn I out working with my dog, 'tracking'. I was in a 15 acre park alone, not another soul about. I was by myself setting out my track for my dog to follow, bending down concentrating on what I doing. When I look up, there is the guy. he has obviously come to track too with his dog but realises I am there. I never see him there before and nobody else but ME goes there as far as I know. He does not know I see him but he sits and watches for ages. Then I go to my car to get my dog. I turn and let him see I see him and... he drives off in embarrasment. What the? He come to club without his dog and I see him watch me in my competition again. Yet he cannot approach me. He watches from afar. How to let him know slowly, over time is okay for him to approach me? WHY is he interested enough to do this yet he can't bring himself to come within 20 metres of me? is he embarrassed? He has given up drinking after many years too, because of this. He made sure to tell someone so I would find out. Hmmmm. Why so weird? I don't want to just go up to him, think it would scare him. Any suggestions?
A
female
reader, Amac +, writes (20 April 2008):
Amac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh dear, another update. I need help! What can I say. I thought I was over this man. I am not. He has begun to return to my dog club again. He acts so weird. I have hidden ANY kind of feelings I have from him. Really hidden them. I do not look at him. I am pleasant and act relaxed and do my own thing just the way I always did it but I don't look, don't give anything away, ignore him. HE, on the other hand, someone tell me what they think. He comes to club, first week parks separate place, sneaks in like before. Then I see him sneakily watching me when he thinks I don't see. I see him start and look over with sad look on his face when I call to someone else to come work their dog with me in a particular exercise (as if I would call him!). This week, he comes again. Club comp. He not enter his dog but comes anyway. Gets courage up to park in old spot again, near me. Still 'runs away' when I nearby but watches, watches. Then when someone else asks him for a hand which would require him to stand in same ring as me, this makes him go home quickly! Someone else tells me he told them he has quit drinking! What can I infer from this? On one hand, I see him watch. I see him slow his car down to watch me in the work ring. I see him watch from a distance. On other hand, he treats me like I have a twenty metre exclusion zone around me. He acts scared. I NEVER NEVER give anything away. I careful not to hassle or even look his way... I'm not scary! Is this the best way to proceed? Thought I really had moved on. I haven't. Dont think I ever will. Dont know what to do :( Keep going doing nothing? I could not possibly speak to or approach him. This sixty year old man would run to his car and drive away, I'm sure. In saying this, I really haven't done something to deserve this. Nobody else ever would treat me like this at club. I get on with everyone and everyone, male and female likes to talk to me. They all feel sorry things like this and would never say anything to him either, in case they made situation worse. Everyone just being pleasant to both of us. Any suggestions on how to move on with this. I can't just 'get over it'. Maybe it will die out and wear off with time and seeing him more? Maybe, since he getting more courage, he eventually will speak to me again one day? What? Why would he act so strange? Why hasn't he just got on with things and moved on? Hard to deal with :( It's not nice to be treated like this. It is hurtful. It makes me shake and want to cry, but I hide it. I do. Nobody else sees and I'm sure he can't if I have my back to him. I'm afraid to say anything to him. I think it would make it worse, not better.
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A
female
reader, Amac +, writes (11 April 2008):
Amac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again Ask oldersister. You were so right!!!! I really appreciated your advice :)
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A
female
reader, Amac +, writes (11 April 2008):
Amac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Ask oldersister :) :)Yeah, you live and learn. It just wasn't meant to be and I guess it has left me with a few trust issues but that's perhaps not such a bad thing. I guess I shouldn't feel sorry for the guy. His problems are his own and he didn't have to act like that. His own emotional/mental issues and he made the choice so he can lean on his wife if he needs support I suppose.I can't help but feel sorry for him as I know how screwed up in the head he gets about things and how miserable but that isn't ever going to help me. I have to just keep rolling on and look after myself. One thing I learnt from this is the value of your friends. It would be so easy to blame yourself when things go the way they did for me. What did I do wrong? How could I have done things better? Lose all self-respect. But the respect and kindness of my friends made me realise the problems were not with me. I loved this guy and let him know it, I was honest to him and to myself, I held out olive branches to try to put things right afterwards to help him because I cared about him. Well, I needed to care more about myself. He is a big boy. He said 'go away', he didn't want that, so that's what I've done. But I do hope he is happy with his choices and if he doesn't come back to dog club well, that's his own fault in the end.
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A
female
reader, Amac +, writes (10 April 2008):
Amac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere is update on my situation, wondering what others think??? I have moved on. I will never forget this man and find I cannot change the feelings I had for him and will always always love him, but what I did was put my feelings aside and figured perhaps we were lucky to have that tiny bit, forget the bad stuff that went after and just remember the good stuff and then MOVE ON. So I did. Won't have the same again but probably different and just as good with someone else. Just different. I just put my head down and got on with life. But sadly, he did not! I saw him at a competition we were both in and he acted so weird!!! I had lots of friends there and did not approach him as did not want to talk to him, but he checked into the comp and then went and kind of hid in his car. When his turn at the comp he made nervous mistakes. I left the area so I was far away and did not put him off so he could not see me. I had my own dog to compete with.When came to my turn in comp I saw him standing at the next ring, watching me compete. I saw him looking at me later and then he bent over and *kissed* his dog!!! He talked to nobody he knew, acted like he was 'under fire' or something. So as I went past I smiled at him and wished him good luck for the afternoon comp and just kept walking, show no hard feelings move on, hope it would help him. I went on to win my comp which was hard, as I'd love to have shared that with him but it was over, gone, as far as I was concerned and my other friends were happy for me. He went away during lunch break instead of talking to people he knew. Then he came back and I stayed FAR AWAY so he couldn't even see me nor I him. But I heard later his dog hurt himself in the comp and he had to go home, which was sad. His dog fine now but he has never come back, withdrawn from competitions and also not come to dog club. Sad. Very sad. Obviously he could not move on for some reason so ended up having to stay away. Maybe for the best. Hope he has someone to talk to anyway :(
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A
female
reader, Amac +, writes (9 March 2008):
Amac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo Askoldersister, why has he made such a big deal about it then? I have repeatedly tried to tell him, just go back to dog club, just go back to being friends. I have even emailed him and said that I would even leave the club and go somewhere else if it would make it more comfortable for him. I did all this so he could just go back to doing the one thing in his life he is good at and he loves. My assumption comes from not what he did on the night but all that led up to it. I don't understand!!!
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