A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I came out of a long term relationship and after 5 weeks I met Lucy. She had come out of a 9 year marriage just 4 months before. Her husband walked out on her and her son. We hit it off straight away and the chemistry was electric. We didnt go out that much but had an amazing physical relationship and very loving. I was introduced to the family and friends and her 7 year old son (bbq's/parties etc). After 3 months of total bliss i went on holiday with friends and when i returned things were different. I asked what was wrong but she said nothing. Eventually she said she couldnt tell me she loved me anymore because she thought she might still have feelings for her ex husband and wanted to make sure it was over before it got anymore serious between us. She said she wanted to be honest with me. This ofcourse broke my heart and we didnt speak for a week. She kept texting nearly everyday of our breakup asking if i was ok and saying she missed us. I ignored her texts for a week but gave in and replied. She said sorry and she explained that she was overwhelmed with her feelings for me and was scared to commit to someone again so soon after her marriage plus she thought her husband was having second thoughts about the break up and she thought she should speak to him about getting back together for the sake of their son. She said that she loved her husband but was in love with me. I loved her so i took her back but my trust for her was gone and i felt like her second choice. Everytime the phone rang or she got a text i would wonder if it was him. I hated who i became, a horrible jealous insecure monster. I kept my mouth shut most of the time but every now and then i would say something insecure and she would freak out. She used to say that she had so much going on in her head at the moment she didnt have the energy to argue with me or have to explain herself to me all the time. She was already on Prozac for depression and drinking heavily which i guess doesnt help her think straight. She said once that she thinks she is Bipolar aswell. After a month of us getting back together things were ok but not as good as they used to be. She did tell me she loved me but normally when she was drunk. She said this was becuase she was scared of saying it to someone for them to dump her again. Her Dad became ill and i supported her through his hospitalisation but unfortunalty he died. She started to push me away and get moody. I tried to understand what she must of been going through with a marriage break up and a death of a loved one in the space of 6 months. She neglected me, pushed me away and we kept arguning and breaking up, (mainly because of me expecting loving and affection from her but didnt get it very much and always questioned her). The last straw was when we arranged to go out to visit my friends but she cancelled at the last minute. She said she wanted a quiet night in so i went on my own. When i returned the next morning one of her male friends was asleep on her sofa. They were both still drunk from the night before and it made me jealous. I dont think anything happened as they are just friends but i was annoyed that she partied with him instead of me. She said she got lonely without me and wanted some company. When we went to bed i asked her if anything happened between them and she went mental. We had a big row and broke up. That lasted a week but she has since come back to me and said she wants to be friends with me as thats all she can offer anyone right now with everything going on and her head in such a mess. Her dad has only been buried 2 weeks. Her family all like me and think we are good together but my family think i am being used. Our friendship has turned into having sex twice a week aswell when her son is at his dads. I have several questions- Does she love me? Am I just being used for sex? Am I expecting too much from her at the moment. Should we slow it right down and just date for a while and see what happens? Someone help!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers so far. We actually sat down and had a chat last night. I told her i couldnt be just fu#k buddies and she said she couldnt be in a serious relationship with me. I said that we should just be friends but she said she feels more for me than that. God this is confusing!!! She said that she doesnt want her husband back or does she want someone else. She also said that when she sees me, she wants to hold me and cuddle me but doesnt know why she feels like that but cant be in a relationship with me. Strange. I know the un-written rule is the first person that comes into your life after a big break up will just be good for you at that time but wont be a long term partner but i also wonder if us going through this might bring us closer together in the end. Its tricky because i dont want to walk away from the women that i love but i also dont want to set myself up for more heartache in the future. She invited me over for hot chocolate lastnight once she had put her son to bed. We chatted for a bit and eventually agreed to just date casually for now and see what happens. Half my friends think i should walk away and the other half think i should stick with her and be there for her. Still confused!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would just like to add that i feel i have been selfish expecting anything from her after the year she has had and understand she is pushing me away because she is grieving. I love her more than i have loved anyone and i think i am going to stick with her through this. I have been too wrapped up in what i want and what i feel. She has been showing all the typical signs of someone grieving and i just didnt see it. I would still like to hear others opinions on this and if they think us sleeping together is going to help or confuse things for her and me. Would i be selfish to move on now because i am not happy?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): You do have your hands full!
This girls head is a very busy place. You are trying to build a normal strong relationship, in a very unstable and weak environment.
I wouldn't say you are being used for sex, but yet you somewhat are. I feel it safe to say that she does have feelings for you, but there are so many other "variables".
Her mental condition. Though I don't have great experience with persons who are bi polar and having other illnesses, My experience was a limited experience. I finally threw my hands in the air as I couldn't keep track of where I was in their life from one day to the next. Today they love you, tomorrow they don't. It's very taxing! Mix alcohol with meds, and you've got a random selection of emotions!
I think you're accurate when you ask if you're expecting more than she is capable of giving. With the loss of her father and the divorce, she's not thinking clearly.
Time has taught me that overlapping relationships usually don't work out. With the divorce process being as emotional as it is, I can understand the feelings and emotions you are experiencing.
When we are on the outside looking in, we see it as simple! The two of you didn't work out, get a divorce. It's that easy.
BUT, when you are the one who's getting the divorce, it's not that simple at all. There are years of your life that you are looking at as just throwing away. Wonderful times,kids, and the whole thought of walking away from everything. There is fear,guilt,anger, the wondering what could have been done differently, the list goes on. So no, she cannot give you what you need and deserve!
The question that you have to ask yourself is, can you sit aside, and watch her go through this whole range of emotions, where one day she wants you close, the next day she wants nothing to do with you. Can you handle it if you find that the two of them had sex? That happens frequently in the divorce process! Emotions are all over the place. Today they are throwing things at each other, tomorrow they are in the sack. Next thing you know, they're fighting again. Another is, even if you had nothing to do with their separation, you may find yourself being the blame!
I went through a similar experience a few years back. All the things that you described, I was there! Needless to say, we didn't survive. After the divorce was final, another guy came in to the picture, he was fresh and new, he didn't see any of the ugly stuff that gone on. He was like a breath of fresh air to her.
Personally, I would step away from the whole situation, just be her friend (if possible) and see what happens.
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