A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Goodpeople, I need some advices here...The couple and my family used to live in same neighborhood. We go to the same church, but we are not that close. They are at middle of 50s and have several grown up children, and grandchildren. About a year ago, my husband and I run into that husband at a restaurant. He was with another woman. I also noticed that he didn't wear wedding ring as we sit 2 tables away. About a month ago, I saw that husband and the same woman again at hotel lobby and realised from body language they were intimate. It was almost 10pm, and they were waiting for elevator going up. Shall I tell the wife, and how? I am little hesitated to do so, because I know nothing about their marriage. The wife shows happy and seems very proud of her family though. My husband told me stay away and it's not our business. That husband may just look for replace sex. But it bothers me a lot. What do you think?
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female
reader, sammy1986  +, writes (25 June 2011):
i would really stay out of this it could backfire on you. maybe his wife knows but turns a blind eye to it. maybe its a open relationship and she does the same.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): Usually I'd advise telling.But, in this case, you don't have a lot of knowledge and you are not "friends" with this person.If you are friends, then you have an obligation in my mind. But not knowing them well, you don't know the dynamics of their relationship.But, I know I wish someone would have told me when my wife was having an affair, and the spouse is often the last one to know, man or woman.Sometimes it isn't so simple as "hey, she's hot, I think I'll fuck her and cheat on my wife".Why?Because my wife was acting strange, overall, and I noticed that, strange at home, strange toward me, strange in a way I'd never seen her act in all our years of marriage. Angry and strangely angry at me. I even mentioned it to her. What I found out years later, was that she'd been given a medication, antidepressant, and her dose had been increased that same month, within 2 weeks she was having an affair, her alcohol use had gone way up, and she was using marijuana daily on top of all that. She went "fucking nuts" in her own words, at some point I said to her (very timidly because at that time she would just blow up at me for no apparent reason) "aren't you drinking a bit more than usual" (after finding 7 empty wine bottles outside the back door). She thought about it a while, and she was tense, and she cut her medication back, stopped an affair, stopped drinking, etc.... But, she has very little memory of the affair, except the sex part which horrifies her to this day.Then she went on a probable lifetime guilt and shame trip after she started realizing what had happened. When she told me what happened, and we got her doctors records, and went through the old receipts, and credit card statements, it was clear that she was out of control.Also, I've known couples, who were in marriages because of various reasons, where one was lesbian or homosexual, and they remain 'happily married' but have their other relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey, thanks for your replies.
You all spoke out my worries, too many variables it could be. I hate to keep a secret but I don't want to get in the middle of the drama.
CindyCare reminded me another possibility, maybe the wife knows already but has decided to play dumb and close an eye until nobody knows and she can keep the appearances of an happy family.
If you were the wife, would you want to know?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 June 2011):
 If you aren't close then it's none of your business. Leave them alone to figure out their own lives.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 June 2011):
 No, don't say anything. You don't know enough about the situation to be sure it's the right thing to do. Maybe, regardless of what it seems, the husband had a legitimate reason to be out with this woman and she is not his lover. Maybe the wife knows already and does not even care. Maybe she does care, but has decided to play dumb and close an eye until nobody knows and she can keep the appearances of an happy family. There are too many variables and you are not close enough to your neighbour to think of them all.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): I think you should give her some hint, like you saw her hubby in such place twice, with someone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): No, butt out... she may be aware of it and allowing him to play on the side. If you confront her she may be embarrassed. You have no idea what's going on.
Personally I hate cheaters, and seem to be surrounded by them at work, but the last thing I'd do is get in the middle of the drama.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (25 June 2011):
 I agree with your husband. While it may be wrong, its not your place to butt in.
However, if I saw the cheating husband again, I might go over and say "Hi Neighbor!" just so he is aware that SOMEONE KNOWS.
Thats just me:)
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (25 June 2011):
 If you choose to tell her, I think it would be best received as an annonymous letter she receives when her husband is gone (probably out with the other woman). You should detail both examples of times you saw him with this other woman, and if you can recall what the woman looked like you should probably list those in the letter then leave it alone it's no longer your concern. What she does with the information is her business. She should never know it's you and it's probably better that she doesn't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): Everyone will tell u to mind your own business but if it bothers u a lot, then either do it anonymously (to the wife- a phone call is best) or when next in church tell him u saw his twin recently at a hotel....
It is really lousy that the wife is always the last to know. So perhaps even though you should butt out, the 50 something gran should be made aware that her hb MAY be playing around.
LoveGirl
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