A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been friends with a guy for about 9 months and I don't think I can be friends with him any more and would like advice on whether I should say this to him or just ignore him. I have already tried to explain and been met with a very sarcastic and immature attitude.I think he wants - and always wanted - more, but I am absolutely not attracted to him and am going through a very painful separation. I made this clear to him, as gently as I could, very early on.Things that he have done include: being negative about almost everyone else on our programme, making sexist assessments of other women on the programme, mentioning casually that he has a partner who is living in another country but failing to tell me that this is actually his WIFE who has now come to live with him over here. When I asked him about this he said that he was a very "private" person but everyone else knew except me! And they don't even go out with him from time to time! Telling me I am more charming than an actress that he likes and emailing me a photo of her and calling me "sweetheart", after I have made it absolutely clear that I am not interested in him at all in that way.We have just fallen out because he emailed me asking me out and I said I was too fragile re. my breakup and he said he was also feeling low. So I said things to try to cheer him up and he was totally sarcastic towards me and very self pitying, so I said I could do without it. He then called me "sweetheart" again and, to cut a long story short, I told him once again that it made me uncomfortable and that I had felt a bit like this all along and explained, very clearly, why.He basically said that I am imagining it all, that he doesn't see how he has behaved improperly in any way and that if I didn't want to be close to him why did I offer to help each other with our work...I did this purely because I thought we might be able to help each other as friends literally with aspects of our work, but soon after changed my mind because ultimately I just didn't trust him and I gently said that I no longer thought it was a good idea - I didn't say why.I am now really upset by this person, who has also been dropped from our programme because his work was not up to standard. My work is very highly regarded (not showing off, just saying I'm not in any difficulty like he was). He continually behaves like a victim and I have been incredibly patient with him trying to help him because he is not from this country. I mean, a woman knows, doesn't she, when someone is flirting with her and trying to seem as if they are not? I honestly found this so painful to experience because I am so cut up already about my ex.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): Thank you chickpea! I really appreciate your kind answer and will follow all the advice given here by everyone!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): Thanks both of you for your answers! I think you are right Honeypie, the guy has problems every which way you turn. It surely is true though isn't it, that you do just KNOW when someone is coming on to you, however subtly they try to do it and even if they tell you that you are imagining it? It is just instinct, whatever they say otherwise. Another thing he would do if we went for a drink together would be to buy a bottle of wine and then almost fill his whole glass with ice and continually top up mine...you could say this was just him being a gentleman but I found it really a sneaky way of trying to get a girl drunk!
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 Hi,
Sorry that you are going through a difficult time. Just want to let you know, you are not alone.
I agree with the previous advice. You already made it clear to him, and I also have to agree with you that you have been nothing but, lovely lady, and very kind to him. I also agree that you told him exactly how you feel in a very nice way, and I don't see what else you can do for this man?
When he emails, just say NO thanks. Short, simple, no explanation. Hopefully one day he will get it? I feel sorry for him, like you do, but it's not your fault he like you, etc...
You have your own issues to take care, and I think you need honest, positive people around you. Not people that will suck the energy out of you.
Hope this helps...
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 October 2011):
 Ouch! he sounds like a nutcase. You thought being friends could be mutually beneficial, however you discovered it's very one-sided and inappropriate from his side, so let it run it course.
Personally I would avoid him like the plague, ignore his calls ( or preferably change the #), block him from your e-mail and everywhere else.
You tried to tell him you aren't interested, he just can't seem to grasp it.
You don't need to explain it to him again.
You can't be friend with everone. And.. you don't HAVE to try. Friends are a choice. Friends are people we can lean on and lend a shoulder too. They are people who makes OUR lives better and we make their better too. It's almost symbiotic. He is not one of those people, for you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 October 2011):
 If you have already made it clear to him that you do not want a relationship and that his advances are not welcome I think you can basically let it go.Personally if he calls you can ignore his callsIf he emails or texts to ask you out... reply NO THANK YOU over and over... no explanation needed since you already gave him one... eventually he will get the message.
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