A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 1 year has 2 kids, 9 and 11, who live with their mom and they are going to stay with him for the holiday in December. He’s living with his elderly mother and father for financial reasons – he had to give up his flat because he could no longer afford it. He wants to bring himself and 2 kids to stay in my flat for the holiday as his parents won’t be able to tolerate them for such a long period of time according to him.I live in a 2 bedroom 2nd floor flat in a block with mostly professional or elderly people without kids and very strict rules. I don’t think it’s a good idea at all, especially as he’s not got a lot of money to take them out, they’re going to have to stay at home a lot except for things like going for walks/to the park and so on. His parents live in a house with a garden. I’ve got to tell him this without sounding offensive. Ideally he should get his own place but that won’t be soon. The mom is doing a house swap and going away with new husband and baby, so they can’t stay at home with him living in either. He told me all of this without actually asking if it was ok, just assumed it would be, like it should be completely normal for them to come and stay and I don't even think he has thought of potential problems, just that I should as his girlfriend automatically help him out. Help!
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (15 October 2011):
 Here's my suggestion. You get him together, alone, in some nonconfrontational locale... and you sit him down, and look him in the eye and say, ' i believe that you think that you and your two kids are going to stay with me, in my flat, over the holidays. Ain't gonna happen!"
See how he reacts..... and, if it's anything other than a meek, "OK, honey, I understand just what you are saying." Then you tell him to pack his things and get out NOW... because YOU aren't going to be his MOTHER for another minute.... and, by the way, why don't YOU (your B/F) grow a set??????
Good luck....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): I can see where you are coming from with this - I really think that he should have discussed it with you properly and the fact that he didn't is not a good sign BUT please, I implore you, think of the children - I say this because I am a single mom and my ex husband was absolutely useless at helping me. On one very rare occasion when my daughter (then aged 11) stayed with him and his girlfriend in her 2 bed house for five days, the girlfriend made her feel totally unwelcome and this really broke my heart when I found out - she is such a sweet child and no way would she intrude, probably just sat and read quietly for five days solid! But this woman clearly didn't want her there and it clearly hadn't been properly sorted out with my ex beforehand.Why not start as you mean to go on and say that of course you are taking the situation seriously because they are his kids and you have been together for over a year. But tell him he must discuss this with you beforehand for their sake, so as to avoid confusion for them. then, you could say that you are happy for them to be there for half of the time after they have spent half of the time with their grandparents. One week is not so long and you can still plan some things in advance for them to do - okay a lot of it will be going to the park, but things like swimming are fairly cheap. If you make a point of trying to do one 'event' - doesn't have to be much - each afternoon and get them used to the idea that the morning may have to be T.V. or reading books or even doing homework (!) then the time will go quite quickly. If you can afford it, try to take them out at least one evening, maybe on the last night if you can afford it - to the cinema or somewhere. You can explain to them that this is a different kind of apartment, where not many kids are, but they are very welcome. Try to discuss it all with your partner and get him to start working as a team with you. The kids will really feel the difference - if you are feeling like you don't want them there even for that long then you must say so - there really is no way that they will not sense it and things like that can really hurt kids for a long time after.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 October 2011):
 Expect that he WILL be, if not offended, at least piqued, at first. Parents are like that :), they assume that THEIR delightful kids can't ever be a bother or a problem for anybody.Then again, you are right, he should have at least consulted you or simply ... begged for your help, if he can't provide another solution,- not just assumed you'll be fine with his plans. After all, if these kids may inconvenince elderly people, it's more normal they inconvenience their own grandparents, rather than perfect strangers ! ( your neighbours ).
Just tell him him politely and firmly what you said in your post, it's not a good idea because the strict rules of your building would spoil the kids' fun and freedom, and very possibly create friction and unpleasantness in the building where you have to live every day- even after Christmas. Which, on turn, could strain also the relationship between you two .
He probably won't be overjoyed at first, but if he is a sensible person he'll see your point. If he does not - it's a bit of a red flag, you two have just been dating for one year, I don't think you are at the stage yet where his kids should be basically your kids too and his problems likewise.
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A
female
reader, tb0721 +, writes (14 October 2011):
 This can become a very sticky situation depending on the demeanor of your bf and how he reacts to things. He definately could take it offensive because after all those are his kids and its natural. I think regardless of the fact that there arent kids around and its an elderly more professional area doesnt mean your life has to be a reflection of that. Have you met the kids? At that age they should know how to conduct themselves appropriately while still being kids...by that I mean they arent two year olds running amuck. It may hurt him if you didnt try at all. Whats the possibility of setting some rules prior to ensure courtesy and respect of the older neighborhood you live in. Then if the kids become too much to handle or a disturbance you can tell him its not working as discussed but you tried for him. All in all its definately your decision because its your place I dont think you should feel you have to. Unfortunately Im not sure theres any way to tell him no that will give you the favorable response you would like however if he is an adult hopefully he will try to understand your point of view too.
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