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female
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anonymous
writes: Should I tell him now or never?I had a short duration (3 months)of a long-distance marriage. My ex was impotent at the time of marriage so this marriage was never consummated. I moved to a different state, later we both moved to different countries therefore the legal paperwork has not done yet until now.I met my current boyfriend in June 2007, 9 months after I and my ex decided to annul this marriage and seperated. The current boyfriend is 3 years younger than me(he is 24, I am 27), the age difference bothers me a lot in the begining, he also gave me the impression that he never got over his ex-gf and constantly compared me and her which hurt me a lot. We broke up 3 times last year. I thought to mention my previous marriage to him but hesitated to do so because he made me upset almost every other week, I was not sure about this relationship. Due to the embarassing reason why my previous marriage did not work out, I want to tell someone when we get serious.Now he becomes serious but I worry he would be mad since it is a bit late. Should I wait to get the annulment finalized (2 weeks later) or should I tell him now? Whats the best way to tell him? I love him and really worry it would hurt him that I did not tell him about this embarassing past. When I met him I already seperated from my ex for about 9 months. He never asked about my past either. He was obsessed with his ex-gf and could not get over her until this Feb. Some girlfriends suggest never telling him as annulment means the marriage was never happened in the first place. Its so unfair that people dont care about the break up even you engaged once but so care about the divorce/annulment. Any great advice would be much appreciated. Thanks!
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male
reader, WastedLife  +, writes (3 June 2008):
If he never asked about your past, and never asked if you were ever married, I'd leave it alone. An annulled marriage never happened, according to legal and church doctrine, so I'd let it be until either he asks, or you two are in a much more secure relationship. Some guys take a very long time to get over a relationship - I'm not sure I'm over someone I have known from decades ago. It's important to never mention her, or he will have to respond, and that can get into an argument. Take him at his word if at all possible - unless he compares you to her, in which case you two both need couple counseling.
If he keeps mentioning her after you gently ask him not to, then counseling is in order too. I don't know what country you are in - I'm in the USA and if a man cares about your past, he will probably ask. For me, a woman's present and possible future is important - the past is gone. If it were me, I would neither ask nor tell unless there was a mighty important reason or he asked.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2008):
 Dearkelja is right on this one. He's going to find out at some point, and you might as well tell him now about it. There's just no way that you can keep this under wraps forever, because someone will tell him eventually.
I'd go ahead and deal with it now, even if it is a bit embarassing. You can tell him in a private, quiet conversation, reminding him that he was still getting over his ex until just recently. And again, the marriage was never consummated, so it was never a true marriage.
I'd be more concerned with the on again off again nature of the current beau, if he's comparing you to his ex and still really hasn't gotten over her. Again, dearkelja is right in this. If he can't deal with it, then he might not be the man for you. Breaking up three times in a year is not a great sign of a stable relationship, I'm very sorry to say....
Hope things turn out well for you.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (3 June 2008):
 Honesty is always the best policy. If you don't tell him and he finds out, he will resent you more and he also will not trust you.
So, the sooner you tell him the better. If he has an issue with it then he is not the man for you. We all have a past and the best way to move forward is to make sure he is aware and that he understands. Sometimes sharing an intimate detail such as this may make the bond between the two of you even stronger.
Good luck.
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