A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok everyone this is a big question I have and it might be a decision that I could regret but I wanna know what you all think.I've been with my girlfriend for 7 months and she's a great girl and all...but I have noticed some problems. We get along great but I seem to be the one putting all the effort in, she says she wants to be with me but doesn't act like it sometimes.Another thing that she said has bothered me, I asked her if she could do without being close and affectionate and she said she could, I'm one who likes to show affection and to also get it, but she never showed too much.One of the last things is she doesn't like to talk, I have given her all this time and she hasn't seemed to have changed too much.So please I'm asking anyone for advice here, I have many doubts in my mind about her and I am not sure I want to continue with this heartache, but at the same time I don't know if and how I could ever find someone else to be with.My question to any of you is this: Should I end this relationship I have with her? Please this is very hard for me and I need to know what others think! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much everyone, I really appreciate your input!
A
female
reader, Queeny  +, writes (3 June 2008):
 Oh you have really made it clear. it is very unusual for someone not to want any affection in a relationship and not even want to talk, i agree with Tisha's advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): You sound like a very sweet guy... I'm sure she is, like you said, a great girl :)... before getting in a relationship, I think we all have an idea of what we would like... there are some main things we would all like to have and tend to look for these qualities in others...(of course this changes from person to person).. you seem to like being affectionate towards her and you like affection too.. You need to let her know how you feel as well, make sure you know how she likes her relationship to be and make sure you let her know how you like yours. Do not discard what you like and need to have in a serious, meaningful and ''real'' relationship..because in the long run it'll probably get worse...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2008):
 Well, you still have my answer on this one. You have to decide if what you two have now is what you want in a relationship.
There will be other people out there for you, so please don't think that you have to stay in a relationship on that account...
xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Tisha-1 and again to answer your question...its all kinds of affection...even when her and I are alone
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionQueeny you wanted to know what I meant by being close is like...holding hands, being close to each other without anything sexual, hope that helps
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2008):
Thanks for the clarification, that helps! (And good for you for not pressuring her!)
Does she show affection in private at all? Or is she referring to PDAs? (I should have thought of this question earlier, sorry.) If she is not going to show you affection in private at all then you two may be incompatible in this area... In public, well, some people just aren't comfortable with that, I know my now husband took months to even hold my hand in public!
Sorry, back to the question at hand.
I would seriously back off on her, and let her feel your absence. If she closes the space between you, wanting to talk or communicate, you'll have your answer. If she doesn't, you'll know that she's not really into the relationship...
But before I did this, I would let her know that you're about to change the dynamic of the relationship, so that you're not blindsiding her, just that you're looking for a bit of a change in the balance of who seems to be doing all the 'work.'
If you think you can manage that, then give it a try. If this is going to be too difficult or too much work, hmmm, well, maybe it is time to move on. But you should give it one last try with her.
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1, just to clarify...I haven't pressured her for sex but she just doesn't like showing affection and she says she most likely never will show it
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2008):
Hi,
I think that it maybe that you are trying too hard with her, and that you should give her a little breathing space. She might not want to be with you all the time, so if you give her a chance to miss you a little bit, that might make a difference in how she's treating you.
In terms of being close and affectionate, are you talking about holding hands and kissing or do you mean more than that? Most girls like the cuddly stuff like hand-holding and kissing, but if they are not really ready for sex, and that includes handjobs and blowjobs, sorry to be blunt, they will tend to keep you at arm's length. I'm not suggesting that you've been pressuring her for sex or more than just holding hand/kissing, but if you have been wanting more from her than she's ready for right now, that might be a reason for her distance from you. I'm not sure exactly what you mean, so please don't take that the wrong way.
As far as talking goes, well, I think that most relationships have one person who wants to talk more than the other. I guess I really don't have good advice to give you on that, other than to listen to her when she does want to talk. It's good practice to listen, then repeat back what you think she said, so that you can be sure you're really understanding her. And of course, be clear yourself about what you're trying to say to her.
So I'm not sure I'm telling you to break up with her. You're still young, and you WILL meet other people and she really is not the only person you'll ever be able to get close with in your life.
Just have a think about what you want, try to talk with her about it, and consider my points as you do.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Queeny +, writes (3 June 2008):
wat are some of this efforts?? well as to the way you describe that she says that she is ok without being 'close' (define this pls) and affectionate it seems that she doesn't feel the same. on the other hand, could it be that she is afraid of giving her heart wholeheartedly due to some experience or she is probably still finding trust in you. trust takes time especially for girls. they are normally careful. maybe just ask her if she still wants to be in the relationship and tell her to stop playing games.
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A
female
reader, PurplePayne  +, writes (3 June 2008):
you're doubting the relationship and that's a bad sign. Have you told her how you feel? You need to talk about where you stand with her so you can make a more clear decision
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