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Should I take the risk for Mr Perfect?

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Question - (12 July 2017) 2 Answers - (Newest, 12 July 2017)
A female United States age 18-21, *Vibez writes:

I've never met a guy who is finally.... finally the guy of my dreams acquiring everything! I could ever ask for (looks, persona, charm, demeanor, intelligence etc). At first when he came to me I would always feel like the situation is too good to be true but as time went by with him it became more less about the words and more so, showing me that he is what he claims to be.

The actions. And so, I fell hard. During the time we met I was going through an unstable living situation, living where my things were packed and I had nowhere else to go until one day I met him at work. I know what they say it isn't good to speak with co workers but he was a seasonal hire and our connection was mutual. As time went on I opened up about my situation when we began officially dating only just to discover he's soon to go through the same. His parents were moving out leaving the nyc apartment behind. Knowing that he couldn't manage having an apartment on his own he was planning to move out of state to Florida with them,. Instead it became his idea for me to move in because I had no where else to go and we could manage the apartment together (at the time I had a pretty decent full time job) and rent out the second room, it was either with him or the streets. Our plan worked out fine and things were going smoothly, though we had our ups and downs like regular couples. I didn't care if he didn't have thousands of dollars or money on a constant basis, I fell for his character as a person and was content even though we both desired plenty of things but wanted to stay focused on keeping and maintaining the apartment.The connection between us grew stronger we both knew but was a little afraid to admit it. Until..... I lost my job this was the first issue causing a heavy financial strain and stress on the relationship it hurt me because I no longer had anything to offer financially even though that was never a problem for him so we decided to try and make it work. It's been almost two months and I still haven't managed to find a job. And to make matters even worse our roommate decided to take up another apartment offer, food was low and bills weren't paid on time leaving certain things cut off.. It dwindled down to the point where we both knew or was so concerned to the point that it wasn't going to work out but haven't really truly and deeply spoke on it. Instead threw subliminal messages. I remember when I first met him he told me he was going to make me " fall in love" with him but I didn't believe it, I was in doubt because honestly I gave up believing in love or would give the excuse that I don't know what love is but I did. Analyzing certain things I've said, moves I've made, and things I've done pertaining to him maybe he was right or I'm just in denial it damn sure feels like love and I guess that what we are both afraid to admit but we both know it's there and it's damn sure ripping me up on the inside that I'd hate to see him go. Of all the heartbreaks, and past heavy relationship trauma which had given me a bad case of ptsd and anxiety, it felt good to get a full dose of something different, a shoulder to lean and cry on without me being judged or ridiculed. I know that I may not find a job quick enough or we may not find a roommate in time, so he's already spoke with him mom about moving to Florida with them as it is his last year of college. He asks me if I love him, I stay silent then tells me if I'm the one waiting for him to say it first, I just don't want to say I love someone and have to be forced to see them go. Imagine what that'll do to a person.

Now the question is he wants me to come with him to Florida but I have my college future and aspirations out here in nyc, my struggling family who I refuse to leave behind (mom, brother, sister). Do I have no choice but to let go and loose someone who is rare to come across, loose the guy of my dreams, loose someone who accept me regardless of my situation, loose someone who tells me everyday that he's grateful for me because I still accept him regardless of his financial status? Or risk it all and leave my struggling family behind to live well?

View related questions: at work, co-worker, money, roommate

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 July 2017):

I think you both should consider finishing your educations. It's best that you return to your family home and continue to pursue your degree; and he should go to Florida with his parents for the time being. An LDR is chancy, but you're wiser to chose practical and realistic options.

Neither of you can afford to pay the extortious and outrageous rents of NYC. They are no where near affordable for only two working-class college students. Even for a dinky closet of an apartment! That was an unrealistic proposal on his part. Roommates are unreliable and will flake on you and leave you high and dry, as you've found out. Now you've lost your job and he can in no way afford the rent by himself.

Neither of you should give-up on completing your educations.

You'd do best not to place any guy up on a pedestal; and there is no such thing as a "Mr. Perfect." I know you don't mean that literally; but the possibility of having some unrealistic-expectations at such an early stage is my point here. I know you feel strongly, but you also have to take some practicalities into consideration, and set your priorities.

Your timing was bad and your situation before moving in was worse. You were almost homeless, and you placed a heavy responsibility on him by taking you in. He knew he couldn't afford that apartment; but he has a good heart and wanted to help you. Now you're down to little food and I'm sure eviction is on the horizon. Losing your utilities is a dire situation in the northeast. No heat in the winter is vicious! No lights means not even a fan in summer! You broke my heart when you said you had little food. I'm too sensitive of a guy to handle two kids going through that.

If your family depends on you to help support them, I guess you have to stay put. I hope you are applying for grants and whatever tuition assistance you can get; apart from student loans. Minimize post-graduate debt by all means!

He should move to Florida; because he will be too distracted trying to support you and dealing with your family-problems. It will eventually become too stressful for your budding relationship.

You can move to Florida, but I think you will be overwhelmed with guilt and concern for the family you left behind. I think the relationship being so new, needs a lot more time before it can become better established. Time is your enemy.

You may not find work quickly, and his family may be only able to accommodate one of you. I think you'd be forced to give-up school to work; and he would have to make a decision whether to go to school, or work to support the two of you.

Living with his parents is only temporary. You're both adults; and they should not be responsible for providing you with food and shelter.

I think your relationship is too young to make such sacrifices between you, and I doubt it can withstand the stress and pressure a big move will cause. For you in particular. You are very young and at best you'll struggle in Florida even with a job; if you're still a student. Then finding the right school and transferring credits becomes an issue. It's really a lot to ask and expect from his family to let you stay, sweetheart. They don't really know you.

He has his own family to turn to. Your family will always weigh heavily on your mind. All your future plans and aspirations are there in New York. You're too young and inexperienced to follow love so far. You'd be putting your dreams on hold, and leaving your family behind.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (12 July 2017):

janniepeg agony auntI would propose to him. You don't need a ring or a ceremony right now but you two need to be in this for a long time. I don't believe in Perfect, just what works for now and for long term. It's not ideal to live with in laws. Normally I would say, "don't uproot your life for someone unstable." You sound like someone who would take any job to survive so it's not like you are too proud to do anything as long as it's not selling your body. New York is one of those places that you can't just work hard and make a good living. You need connections, sometimes underground ones too. Research about his new city in Florida. Do his parents own the place in Florida? If yes, that could buy you a lot of time to figure out what you need to do. That New York dream can remain a dream forever. It has been a dream for millions of people that never came true. Even if you can find two or three jobs you come home to a shoe box. Then you worry there's no job security because you can lose that job too. I would say go chase your dream in Florida and don't stay struggling in New York. You have a big heart for your own family but if I read it right, it's the streets or Florida. What's the point of staying with your struggling family if you have no means to help them?

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