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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I will soon have been dating for 2 years. He’s got a job he loves (with a modest salary) in one city, and I am a grad student with a decent assistantship in another city 1.5 hours away. As time goes by, distance gets harder, especially for me. Even though most of the commuting falls to me for practical reasons, the real difficult part is that I just miss him more during the week than he does me (or than he shows). He’s very independent and self-sufficient, but I know he loves me more than anything. As fall scheduling starts, we’re looking at doing a third year of seeing each other about 3 weekends/month (more during holidays, of course). Today, I was talking to him about it, and I was a bit upset. He just kept trying to stay positive (“We’ll make it! We’ve got this!”) and give me pep talks (“Chin up! It won’t be like this forever!”) However, when I try to get him to tell me when it will stop being like this, there are no clear answers. I finish coursework next year, so I could hypothetically move to his town then (where I have many friends). He says he “wants to be with me,” that when I’m done with school “we’ll be together,” but he never seems to give me any clear idea about when we might get married. He knows marriage is a must for me, and we’ve talked about having kids, we agreed on a timeframe for them (next 2-4 yrs – mostly based in the fact that he’s older and I want him to still be “young” for them). He has (albeit drunkenly) confessed that his own friends have put pressure on him to marry me. He says he can’t imagine his life without me. Should I just ask him “Look, when are we getting married?” The problem there is that I feel like I’m more or less proposing/putting extreme pressure and A) he likes to come to decisions on his own terms, and B) I think we’d both prefer that he do the proposing. Should I just wait and hope he’s getting on the same page? We are planning a trip abroad for summer 2012 (he’d be leading a summer study program for the university and I'd be his translator/tour guide). Honestly, I would love to make that a working honeymoon – meaning, I would love to get married next spring. Is it a bad idea to tell him that if we’re gonna do another arduous year of commutes and distance and heartache, that I want to know that we’re working toward something – something like a wedding in the spring?Any advice?Thanks, - V.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (21 March 2011):
 1,5 hours of difference isnt that much. U shouldnt see each other only 3 weekends a month. Heck, I know a couple who lives 2.5 hours apart and see each other EVERY weekend + during the week.
You can't and shouldn't pressure a man to marry you.
The "when are you marrying me?" question is a dead end.
When you're about to finish school,make him realize YOU MOVING TO HIS TOWN SHOULDNT BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED. Do you wanna move where he lives,without knowing that he will marry you? No. I think that's the foundation of your situation.
So just relax. Guess what will happen,when you finish your grad program,and he expects you to move to his town the next exact day?and then he sees you are not willing to move so quickly? HE WILL BE DEVASTATED.He will want to know what changed.
You need to realize you have a long way to go with this one. It's not a matter of a "one conversation and it's solved".
This guy clearly has the typical marriage issue. He will want you to move to his town,and will postpone proposing until you go nuts. So my advice? Shake things up.Like I said,be unpredictable. Do not talk about the future with him. When you finish your coursework,stay in your town UNTIL HE BEGS YOU TO MOVE TO HIS. Show him youre not willing to move and give up on ur daily life...until he really means it is serious. Then he will consider discussing a marriage plans.
Good luck. You're smart. You need to work hard on this one.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): So you want to suggest he propose?...have you considered that if he wanted to propose he would...Why do women put themselves through unneccessary heartache....I do not believe a man should be pressured into marriage...A lot of women who have pressured their men into marriage before he was ready end up hurting when he does indeed act like someone who is not ready for marriage...Listen honey, you are him are dating for now and that is about it...If he had plans for the future you will both be talking about getting married without you trying to force it on him...Be honest with yourself, you are both in different places right now, make your decision from there.....If you want to continue dating then fine, if not , as painful as it is you may have to move on but it is up to you to asses your relationship to see if both of you need more room to grow or you need to see what other options there are out there...Goodluck
Ps:Just because you want something doesnt mean he should want the same thing...A lot of women think that way without taking into consideration that men to know how they feel and what they want..
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